Oh, duplicitous lover of mine—
who are you, lying beside me?

The father, whose pride rings from your mouth
like the bells of liberty?

The husband, whose arms once lifted my soul?


Or the traitor who razed his own kingdom—
a castle turned to rubble at your feet?

So cunning, you are-
the parasite at the bottom of the glass,
a shadow shifting in the room,
with poison on your tongue.

Do you love me today?
Or them?

How long will your eyes cling like cobwebs
to strangers who were never yours to seek?

How long before you feel
how cold our bed has grown?

My touch?

How long until you notice
I am not asleep—
just lying beside a memory.  

I’ve heard your denials,
your guilt already etched in stone.

Your hands hold me like a promise.
Yet,  your eyes betray me like a curse.

And still—
I feel the echoes of our late-night dances
stream down my face as I cry today.
Different tears.  

Same man.

I am the witness to your storm,
and still I reach for your warmth—
like a ghost returning
to the scene of its death.

I do not know the man who holds me.
But I remember the man I love.

So I lie still in this haunted bed,
wondering if I am mourning
you—
or myself.

I'd like to thank personally                                                       ­                   
                                             ­                                                                 ­        
For all the years of misery                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                     
That you have inflicted on me                                                               ­         
                                                       ­                                                                 ­  While I gave of myself endlessly                                                        ­            
                                                                ­                                                      
You always treated me like ****           
                                                                        ­                                                         Telling me that I deserved
it                                                               ­                   
                                             ­                                                                 ­          
And yes, it hurt quite a bit                                                              ­                  
                                                                ­                                                
I'm glad to say I am past all of it                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                
                                ­                                                                 ­                
 You really hit below the belt                                                             ­         
                                                                ­                                          
Making me hate even myself                                                           ­           
                                                                ­                                      
Oblivious to how I felt                                                             ­                     
                                                                ­                                                  
You lit the fire, watched me melt                                                             ­           
                                                                ­                                                      
I absorbed your every blow                                                             ­                 
                                               ­                                                                 ­      
I didn't have the sense to know                                                             ­         
                                                                ­                                                
That I could just turn & go                                                               ­               
                                                 ­                                                                 ­
  and in return I would then grow                                                             ­                                                                 ­        
                                                                ­                                        
Through God's strength & mercy                                                            ­                                                                 ­                                     
                                                                ­                                                  
He had a different plan for me                                                              
                                                                ­                                                  
He opened my eyes so I could see                                                              ­        
                                                        ­                                                        
That you weren't worthy of me                                                               ­ 
                                                               ­                                           
  Looking back on those dark days                                                             ­           
                                                                ­                                                      
  I can't imagine why I stayed                                                           ­                                                             
   ­                                                                 ­                                              
  and let a man treat me that way                                                              ­              
                                                  ­                                                                
­  and told myself it was okay                                                             ­         
                                                                ­                                                      
I have learned from my mistakes                                                         ­         
                                                                ­                                                
That real love is about give & take                                                      
      ­                                                                 ­                                                 
  the next time, that I fall I'll make                                                             ­                                   
                             ­                                                                 ­                  
**** sure my heart isn't at stake

Isn't it unfair? I mean,
why does your heart grow back bigger?
I mean, it grows - why? Experience?
Is it a version of 'what doesn't **** you,' etc.
Is it cos it gets stretched to breaking point?
Or maybe it's more like how water
expands when frozen
(that makes no sense, ignore that last bit.)
But your heart does seem to grow
back after a while, and it feels bigger.
Or maybe it just feels emptier
because it got used to being so full.
Anyhow, I'm left with this bloated heart.
So, I'll keep writing,
hoping to keep the excess in check.  
Or at least it'll give it a workout.
Till it has something better to do.

“I deserve better”
“Find someone who wants and deserves me”
The sentences I’m sick of hearing
Inside of my own head

The thing is
I don’t want any other person
I just want this person to be better
For me
Is it too much to ask?

For the longest time I thought I was hard to love
When he appeared he showed me love
He showed me I was someone
I felt cared for

I got drained
Things did not work out
Until they did again
(Or so I thought)

What was once an obsession for him
Disappeared without a two weeks notice
Drier answers with long deliveries
Always tired for me
But never for his friends

I am doing everything
Asking to be with him and to talk
Feels like I’m begging tho
And I was never a beggar

I’m scared
To start over
To try and love again
To move on
To see him move on

This is the fear that gives me a tiny bit of hope

I just wish I was fearless

Because
“I deserve better”

You left when I needed you most                                                             ­                                        
   When I was desperate & needed hope                                                             ­                                               
You didn't think that I could cope                                                                   ­                                                 
But I made it & cut those ropes                                                            ­                                        
  Now that you see that I'm free                                                             ­                                                   
You suddenly still love me                                                                       ­                                               
Now who's desperate & pathetic                                                                       ­                            
  How does it feel to be rejected?                                                                        ­                                                 
  I'll do the best that you did for me.                                                                            ­                                                     
It doesn't take much to give nothing.

The look in your eyes,
The words say goodbye,
Your break it off with me.

I still love you,
I see your smile,
I hide my troubles,
And go to call you mine.

You told me you were happy,
And that you still loved me.
The **** in your head is too much for you to call me yours.
You say its not fair for me,
Its not fair that i cant be with the one i love,
Because i love you.

You say i did nothing wrong but i still wonder,
I wonder because i want to know what was wrong with us,
I need to know,
I need to know how to fix it,
If you’ll let me that is,
Because i love you,
I cant be with no other.

You may have moved on but i will never,
Because i love you.

We don't even talk anymore                                                          ­                                                                             ­                                                  
No goodbye kisses at the door                                                             ­                                               
  I've got my life & you have yours                                                            ­                                                
                                                                ­                                                  
  We are still together, what for?         
                                                   ­                                                                   
You pretend that you still care                                                             ­       
                                                                ­                                                   
   Your mixed messages aren't fair                                                             ­                                                   
                                                                ­                                                      
I can see through the blank stares                                                           ­                                                                   ­                                          
 You're still here, but you're not there                                                            ­                                         
                       ­                                                                 ­                        
    What the hell have we done to us?                                                                       ­                                             
Broken hearts, broken trust