love,
for me /
is where it starts /
it grows from there /
or it benjamin buttons its way down /
to a lukewarm spark

i begin my descent /
upon the first hello /
upon the first charming smile /
i fall
and fall
and fall

there is no hollywood slow motion /
it is not head over heels /
it is skull crushed into pavement /
i kiss my own ankles

everyone says /
you can't possibly love someone /
as quickly as i can /
and if you beat the odds, somehow /
you can't possibly love with /
the ferocity that i do

(i am a rare breed /
my passion is feared)

i love and love /
i continue to adore /
until my affections are too much /
until the object of my desires /
decides my devotion is suffocating /
and i understand /
it does not hurt any less --
it is bone crushing devastation, i have finally hit the ground --
but i understand /
why they come and go like the rain

i dive /
headfirst into love /
headfirst into heartache

DEAR HAPPINESS //
you raised me from birth in your light
you never left me; i sit in your glow; a smile stretches on my face
i have always felt so warm

DEAR HAPPINESS //
i wish to know you
we have never met, but i've heard the greatest things about you
i want to feel you on my skin, but i'm afraid i cannot feel you beneath my scales

DEAR HAPPINESS //
i can count on you always in the corner of my brain
watching over me
you shine on me; i know nothing other than your grin
i will always be this warm

DEAR HAPPINESS //
i've been looking for you
seeking you out like you're a prize to be won
you are the riches that are lost at sea
i do not know you
but i wish i did


WHERE COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE, HAPPINESS?
WHAT IS THE SECRET TO KNOWING YOU?
I WISH YOU WOULD WRITE ME BACK

HAPPINESS, I AM SO GLAD TO KNOW YOU
MY CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND
I WEAR YOU LIKE A SLEEVE
WE ARE UNBREAKABLE

DEAR HAPPINESS //
I FEEL LIKE IN A PAST LIFE, WE WERE FRIENDS

I WANT YOU TO KNOW ME /
i want you to know /
my favorite novel
i want you to know /
why my eyes light up
when i look at the ocean
i want you to know /
that when i wrap my hands around your neck
it means i want your lips on mine

I DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ME /
to remain liked
i must be unknowable /
to keep you next to me
i need to hide

I DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW /
about the way that i shut down;
i break /
i shatter /
the breeze blows by /
and i put myself together again /
whiplash

I DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW /
that my feelings hit like a hurricane /
and last half as long /
i drop,
drop,
drop /
through the floor /
through the ceiling /
where is my head?

I WANT YOU TO KNOW ME /
i want you to know that
i believe you hung the stars

I DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ME /
i don't want you to know that
when i'm feeling that i don't fit /
i steal those stars /
and swallow them

YOU, LIKE THE OCEAN /
are going to swallow me whole

LIKE THE TIDE /
you will be drawn to the sad moonbeams in my chest /
you will rise /
higher and higher /
until my heart is in your hold /
until you've got it captive /
and then /
you will shrink away

YOU WILL RETREAT /
to the depths of the sea /
you will spit out my heart /
like a sunken ship /
or a beached whale /
leave it shriveled up on the shore /
and roll back with the waves into a place where i can't follow

YOU WILL BE BETTER WITHOUT ME /
you have always been better without me

YOU ARE A FORTUNE /
i sat down with a teller
i told her to read me
she saw you in my dreams
she saw you standing in the doorway of my desires
your face was in all of my cards

YOU, LIKE THE UNIVERSE /
simply happened
i stumbled across you on my way home
and realized that i was meant to be going in your direction all along
followed you like a compass
off-road, into the trees
you radiate warmth and i'm drowning in it
home

I AM NOT A CHAMPION /
you are not a prize i won fairly
(unworthy,
unworthy,
unworthy)
i don't deserve this
but god, if it isn't everything i want

I AM ONLY TOUCHED BY YOU /
MY RIBS HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG /
FOR SOMEONE TO PRY THEIR WAY INSIDE

MY SPINE GROWS STRONGER BY THE DAY /
I THOUGHT I FELT IT CRACKING

THESE HANDS WERE MADE TO HOLD YOURS /
THE SMALL BONES INSIDE
FUSE

MY KNEECAPS SHAKE LIKE AN ADDICT /
YOU'RE THE EARTHQUAKE IN MY LEGS

YOU TAKE THE ARMS /
I'LL TAKE THE LEGS /
THROW THIS BODY OVERBOARD /
I DIDN'T WANT IT ANYWAY

My demons cannot be found under my bed
They are not hiding in my closet
Or dwelling in my basement
They used to be there when I was young
I was thirteen years old when that changed
They slithered up my neck and gnawed through to my brain
Curling around it and sinking their claws in
Their eyes resting behind my eyelids
Their forked tongues controlling my words
They became a part of me
A disgusting ugly part
I gave them different names
Anxiety
Depression
Borderline
Anxiety is the smallest of the bunch
Crimson like blood
Always jumpy
Always ready to ruin my day
Depression is a real ******
Pitch black from head to toe
Beady eyes always filled with tears
He tells me daily that I’m not good enough
I believe him
Borderline is by far the ugliest
She is scaly and green with long sharp talons that are always covered in blood
Milky white eyes
She makes me blind to all of the love that I receive
Ugly mood swings and whispers of, “They’re going to leave,”
I wish she would just go away
I’m sixteen now and they’re still there
My brain being ripped to shreds by their talons
They are dark and they are evil but I will not let them **** me
I am a fighter
I can slay these demons
Even if it takes years
I know I have what it takes

The world lays within
a tranquil subdued sleep
all the while I'm marking my skin
with the silver tip digging in deep.
And although I drown in tears as I cry
and wish to go beyond the veil,
the world just keeps on going by;
and instead, I put an end to my tale.

Explosions of blue and purple cover my skin;
like fireworks where raining punches have been,
and my scarlet gashes are dolorously healed;
harsh memories of my war on the battlefield.

i am not a human, i am a mirror.
i have no identity, there is no 'me'
do you like what you see?