I awaken in darkness
still terrified and running
from the mountain lion.

But what if I’m the prey
of my own judging
captive of my comparisons?
At times I feel those verdicts in my gut
like when I can’t concentrate on a task
I SHOULD be doing.

When I notice my tight gut
and my mind wanting to flee
I can stop trying
and lying to myself
set my imagination free
roam a wilderness I choose
like right here on the flat and fertile plains
of this poem’s lines.

I am inspired to do better, desperation sets in when I am stalled

I am inspired to be the flame, desperate when all it does is rain
I am frustrated when you don’t want me to think, desperate for the freedom to string sentences that speak volumes

I am frustrated when you box me up and put a label my existence, for I am desperately still seeking the real Me

I am frustrated when my *** determines my potential, so desperate to break the chains that define a good girl

I am frustrated when you see just my body, for I am desperate to show you that I am more than just these flesh and bones

I am frustrated when you sympathise with me , desperate for you to empathise with me instead

I am frustrated when you think when I express myself, I am hormonal,
desperate for you to know that my ****** and brain are two separate entities

Instead Inspire me, make me desperate to want to create a brand New version of me, a version that is comfortable in her skin, not frustrated because of the layers of ambiguity I have had to put on

I am not a role, We are not role-playing, I am not just an employee, your mother, sister, wife, daughter, etc

Don’t get frustrated when I challenge the status-quo, because thats when desperation sets in

For we now realize that the sky is the limit for all of us , and now we are desperate for the wings to fly

So dear friend, boss, brother, father, and husband, help me desperately fight against my daily frustrations, hear me out, guide me, but don’t think for a moment that just because I am frustrated I am desperate too.

For I know now, that I live to be one with who I am, and nothing will change that for me, now or ever, and we are all going to live happily ever after!!

For it’s really the oxygen from the frustration that has flamed my desperation to be all that I could and should have been.

Bold, brave, kind, courageous and unapologetic-ally ME!

You’ll see me here again.
In the world full of mist,
With full spirit,
and to desist,
from being a dramatist.
You’ll see me here again.

And who am I to think I should be loved
[When I’m not even sure what it means
Being me
Anymore]
So I’m tucking away the parts of me
[The Kate Lyn you know and love]
That shouldn't exist That love you
[You won’t have that frustrating child at your feet
Tugging on your shirt for reassurance
Anymore]

I’m closing off the eyes I only had for you
[Forever]
And
[In the meantime]
I’ll learn Braille
[So when you’re ready]
I will trace your spine with my fingertips
To see the name you’ve made for yourself
[Maybe you’ll even let me read your lips
With my own

But I get too far ahead of myself
By wishing that
Don’t I, Love?]

And who am I to think I should be loved
[For all that I am]
When I don’t even know what makes up all that I am
[I have yet to discover my favorite flavor of ice cream
And every stable person ought to know something like that,
I think,
Just in case.]

Who am I to think that you would love me

[I suppose that you did press your lips to my pages
Leaving kisses in the footnotes of my story
Burning away the definition of ‘just friends’]
There are four holes in my story now
[I counted]
When I tell people what happened to us

But love is more than that

[I think
That’s what I would like to learn
At least
By tucking myself away into an envelope for a while
Or perhaps into a bottle
I'd look prettier then
Knees against my chest
Watching my breath fog the glass
Taking my finger to draw hearts in the condensation
Letting it dry
Just to trace it again
Until you choose to see it
Getting drunk off my own message]

There’s more to me than the parts that love you
[I hope]

So I’m tucking myself away
Like I’ve said
[But hopefully not all of me
Because that would mean I can’t find any part of me
That cannot live without you]

Until I know the meaning of me
Until I can say I’ve left my hand on a stove for too long
[Experimenting with other love
Getting truly burned by a person that isn’t you]

I will not let my pencil be my driftwood anymore
[In this tempest we ignore]
I will wash myself up onto white beaches
Exploring the farthest reaches of my mind
[To fill those empty places I never take time to think about
With useful things
Like white roses and garden gnomes
Every yard ought to have those,
I think,
Just in case]

I’m going to stretch myself
[Until I’m thin enough to spread across a page
To be read like a book
Full of poetry that isn’t about you]
I hope you know how much it will hurt to do something like that
To let myself be put on display
[In some foreign library in a distant country]
To be looked through and seen
By eyes that aren’t yours
Because you’ll be somewhere else
[Doing useful things
Like matching socks
Or playing cards
Something like that]

I’m going to live without you
[For a while,
My love]
All those places that I’ve been wanting to see

I’ll see alone
First



[I feel that every person ought to be alone
At least for a little while
At some point
Before they can truly be happy with another]

And if you ever care to find me
[You know where]
Open me up on your card-playing table
[And if I've got white roses resting in my hair
And burns on the palms of my hands]
It will mean
[That I’ve seen all I need
And learned Braille enough]
It will mean
That I have learned what it
[Truly]
Means
To live
[Without you]