there are invisible children hidden behind
miles of above ground swimming pools
and wooden swing sets. they've seen
life sized doll parts scattered across
their front lawns and were taught how to
take their first steps
as though they were being sent off to war;
knees straight. head tall.
don't flinch at the sight of blood.
a few weeks ago i turned on the local news,
the upcoming story took place in the west side of Detroit.
a photo of a young, colored girl wearing
butterfly shaped barrettes in her hair comes up,
the headline at the bottom of the screen reads,
3-YEAR OLD SHOT IN FRONT YARD
the news reporter talks about the situation
as though she's being forced to discuss
the weather in the middle of a heatwave;
it's the same. ****. thing. every. day.
i'll tell you what no one pictures
when they hear about another ******
in the same city that might as well
start building their front doors
like cemetery gates.
picture the mother
trying to sell a cradle so she has the money
to buy a 3-foot long casket. picture her
walking into her daughter's room
to tuck her into bed & remembering that she's
got nothing left but empty hands.
dear america,
tell me why some of us were born
with targets sewn into our backs, tell me if it
disturbs you at all that there are children
who want to chip off their skin, that want to be painted
a new color because they want to see if the light
will hit them in a different way,
& make them less invisible.

Go ahead and lie to me
Try to make you feel mine  
I won't tap my back
I won't want to cry
I might simply look at you
And watch you lie
C'mon lie to me
I want you to make me fly
Go ahead and lift me up at least for the night

I will never love you like I loved him
So don’t treat me like I am yours  
For you will never claim me

Don’t hold my hand
Or touch my leg
Don’t kiss my forehead
And tell me I am pretty

You will never compare to him

I can’t lead you
To believe that this is
Anything

You are not him
So please
Stop

Because it pains me to be touched
By someone
Who isn't
Him

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

I can't write tonight,
but I'll force a couple lines
and hope to see revealed
all the answers I'd like to find.
I can't fight tonight,
so I'll sit here and smoke.
If I can't forget my sorrows
perhaps I can make 'em choke.
Just full of strife tonight
and all alone I wallow.
So I'll just grab another,
I'm seeking company in bottles.
I can't write tonight...

She wore flowers in her hair
And anger in her eyes
Had a strong hate for her father
And thought birthdays were stupid

He memorized every notch in her spine
And made a home for himself in the gaps between her fingers
Playing dot-to-dot with her freckles,
Became his new favorite hobby

Tattoos adorned his arms
Expressing himself in ways words never could, for ink could not stutter
He smoked too many cigarettes, and gazed at her through hooded eyes
The kind that could only be found in the depths of the alleyways you avoided

She looked at him as if he had hand selected the stars,
And was responsible for the moon
Right next to her love for the Rolling Stones, he was there
Swimming through her bloodstream

He had deceived himself into believing he did not love her
For she was his Abigail Williams
And she always said,
"God damns all liars"