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hope garthwait Mar 2019
20 August 2018 4:46 PM
Haunted by the plague of empathy:
Filtration in a house of human emotion.
I am dampened by the tears;
the walls swell with empty apologies.
Paint chips fall with cancelled plans
the mirror cracks upon reflection of wasted time.
Hinges creak with a wilted will:
the taunting of unopened doors.
Tattered floorboards chance comfort
scuff marks of a dance never felt.
Shadowed by the doubts dragged in from my visitors
Will the beauty in my woodwork show through?
Every step towards the attic clouds grow in my chest
And soon it won’t just be the rain, but a storm of all my rage.
I’m sick and tired of the wires and the walls holding me in
This isn’t home, it is my hell, my own head is like a prison.
You’ve picked at everything I’ve built, so don’t dare call me a friend
So please, dear, do me a favor and don’t ever knock again.

-newportsmooths h.g.
hope garthwait Mar 2019
16 November 2018 10:28 PM
I am your warmest winter jacket
In the bitter cold of your heart’s winter
I am what you seek for comfort
Only to be left hanging in the dark of your closet for the sunny days.
I’m sick of feeling used as a pill to ease the pain.
I’m not your binge tequila shots or ******* lines
Call me a human out loud; I think you’ve forgotten what I am.
I folded up easily into your box for half a decade
Now I’m sick of the dust I’ve built up.
I will shake myself clean of what you’ve made me feel.
You will never wear me like I’m yours again.

-newportsmooths h.g.
hope garthwait Jan 2019
October 18, 2018 5:09 PM
I’ve eaten more pills this week than meals
an unintentional version of self destruction.
My windows are open in the tornado of my mind and debris is scattered in my skull.
Lost in the wreckage of my limbs and life I’m losing my will to walk any further.
I’ve become a resident in illness: overly familiar with the territory.
Yet I wander every single day lacking a clue for where to turn next.
Clustered into bones and flesh is my human mess
Not contained to my head the current runs red to my chest and I’m bleeding out of my rib cage.
A cage that could not withhold the pressure of a thousand screams never let go.
Now I’m tattered in the aftermath of a bad year and one can’t fathom materials to fix my wounds.
I lie here on the floor: hoping the dripping faucet of optimism will refill me soon.

-newportsmooths h.g.
hope garthwait Feb 2016
January 26, 2016 9:58am*

She had bones of coil
bending and twisting through lies
drinking to forget each night.
This sure isn't the first time
always *** into a rut.
She's got eyes like the bottle,
empty, but filled with sorrow.
Her head is heavy, chest is hollow
since liquor never helps tomorrow.

-newportsmooths h.g.
hope garthwait Feb 2016
January 26, 2016 1:39pm*

I wrap around your memory like ivy
I just can't help but blame it on timing
still aware of your independence
but you're still stuck in my chest like cement
failing to inhale, I start to choke
as hands of nostalgia grip my throat
you fill my lungs with toxic smoke
the mark you left has become scarred
I just can't do love anymore

-newportsmooths h.g.
hope garthwait Feb 2015
February 11, 2015 9:55am*

Everything is constantly floating within
I'll often find myself in motion
or moving my mouth in meaningless conversation
coming back to reality isn't helped by meditation
when the daze inside is caused by medication.
Swimming in synthetic dopamine
am I twitching from the Focalin
or the anxiety it's causing me?

newportsmooths h.g.
hope garthwait Feb 2015
February 26, 2015 12:43pm

Last night I felt the moon drop it's light on me.
Swinging upside down, I saw the world from a new perspective.
Tall towers illuminating the highway horizon,
I remembered why I breathe.
Stars and ****** stories on swingsets
pushed warmth into a February evening.
Why have I stayed locked up in my room?
Hopes come high with revolutions of the moon.
The nights are dipped in ink
drawing life inside of me.
Lurking in the Tulsa twilight,
tangled dreams at seventeen.

–*newportsmooths h.g.
dedicated to the other kids
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