You told me you cared.

And I asked you, why?

With your hands holding tight to my wrists you said,
No one deserves to go down that dark road.
Not alone at least.

I'm not dragging you down with me so I pushed you away.

Too late, you replied.
As we began falling.
I've already followed you down the rabbit hole, you said while smiling.

It's always either too much
or not nearly enough.
I cringe at the echo
of voices that carry
and words that slip
over my teeth
like molasses,
but the silence
can be deafening
in an empty room.

I vacillate between
thoughts that fill up spaces
like black balloons
and smiles that sink ships-
twisting between
tepid emptiness
and emotions that press
on all of my soft spots,
intent on seeping out
through my pores
like little pinpricks
of madness.

Caught somewhere between
a *****, a child, and a housewife;
I want deft hands to
wrap up all of my
loose ends
and in the same breath
I want to shave my head
and curl into cold corners.
I want to run through
fluorescent meadows
and twirl round in cotton skirts
before receding into
the bleak landscapes of my mind.
I want to make him breakfast
and fold his laundry into hearts-
then get drunk on cheap wine
and **** like that's what bed springs
were made for.

I want to say the words
that are festering inside
of my worm-eaten skull,
I want to see the disgust
on their contorted faces,
but on the other hand,
isn't it nice to be a pretty face;
seen, but never heard.

I want it all,
I want none of it.

To the almost love of my life;
I'm sorry I never made it that far
Or had the guts to say
That all I ever wanted was for you to stay.
Or maybe that was the 'all I ever wanted' of my yesteryears

Because now 'all I ever wanted' was for my fears
To disappear, and fade away
Just like you did so many, many, many, days ago
I never saw you in the halls, or dreamt of your smile

The only thing we said with eyes was, "it's been a while"
You filled me with joy and wiped my liquid sadness away from my face
And I'm sorry, I was too exhausted from the chase
I tried to make you love me, and evidently- our stars never aligned.
The universe never gave you the signs.

Oh darling, you made me lovesick
But now I think of you as no more than my once almost lover
And just a friend from the weeks I try to remember
But all I remember out of those weeks
Was trying to be strong when you made me feel weak
And sometimes, I still think about how our bodies could have crashed like waves.

Ironic, isn't it?
You gave me power yet wore me down
You made me happy when I flew too close to the sun and you made me sing sad songs and form frowns
And this is true, because you will always be, the once almost love of my life..

And maybe this will always **** me.

I remember the way it felt.
The way it felt to be set on fire.
One simple look...
One simple touch from you and it was as though I could see the flames coursing over my body.
The electricity running through my veins.
You ignited me in the most beautiful way.
You made that spark reappear in my eyes.
You reminded me how it felt to be alive.

Feathered, protected
You take me under your wing
Holding me close
To your beating heart
I hear your breath sing

With the illusion of silence
You shatter my hope
Swallowing hard
I wonder who you are
A mother bird
Entrusting me
Encouraging me far

I love our mutual interest
The light in your eyes
Captivating
Embracing

From a distance
We are held, in motion
A deep meditative waiting  
For the sweet sensation
Of freedom
As we say goodbye

Cutting loose
The ribbon from our feet
Hearts on high
Wings steadied against the wind
All expectations fall to Earth...
Fly.

Life Is A Trip.
Call me Alice-
The one in Wonderland.
I eat a piece of this cake
And watch myself
Become too tall.
I nibble the other
And feel shame
When I get too small.
I hope one day
I find the right amount
To make me
The same size as
You.
(Gerry Aldridge 2016)