Wanting. Waiting. For it to happen. So you can finally count on someone, who might actually stay there for a while. So you don’t have to write at 2:51 about the pain you feel. About how you made the shower hotter than normal. Just to deter from making yourself bleed. How you sent that picture to him, the boy you thought you were going to marry. And you still remember the exact moment when he said “Disregard everything I have ever said to you”. You still remember how you gave him everything you were willing to give and he gave you the half *** version. You still think about your first kiss. How lying next to your first real love on the living room floor crying at 530 in the morning. And you want so badly, to feel that again. Everything all of them had said to you. Every single “I love you”. All the times that they told you the miss you, called you princess, bought you flowers just because. You want it. But you are scared that if you fall again. Fall into the wholeness. Into the realness and Trans parity of having someone right next to you. That you will be the one to say the wrong thing, or you will be that girl who just “gets around”. But in the back of your mind. Something is telling you that it is what you are supposed to be doing. That this is the right thing to do. That you want and need this in your life. You need commitment. You need something stable and steady. And he is going to be that for you. That he isn’t just another one of those stupid flings, but the one that just might never go away. In the absolute best way. He will hold you and let you cry. He will tell you good morning and goodnight every day. He will go through all the hoops your parents lay out. And when he says I love you. He means it. When he says he misses you even though you saw him two hours ago. He is serious. When he doesn’t call you princess because he knows how much that word has been used to hurt you in the past. He knows you. He wants you more than you can comprehend.