5:07pm
Don't even look at the name of this text just know that someone is out here with burns in her heart and you caused all of them

6:47pm
Just know that for some reason I still think of you all the ******* time and it's disgusting I want you to leave me alone

7:52pm
I've never felt so weak

8:23pm
I keep telling myself grow up and get over it, get out of bed and move the hell on but I've been saying it so much now that I don't feel ******* anything anymore and when I do it's only because I have you inside my head to help me feel

10:50pm
You're the only thing left that I know and I don't know when that started but I can't find anything joyful if it doesn't somehow tie to you

11:06pm
You're haunting me it's terrifying

12:01 am
I always thought ghosts and demons were scary but your haunting is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum

4:00am
You scare me, how the hell are you everywhere?

6:00am
Get out of my head

i remember watching the people around me, fascinated by their stillness

no matter how loud and vast my thoughts were
everyone would remain unchanged
my thoughts would swirl around the room like a snowstorm, getting tangled in hair and caught upon eyelashes in intricate tiny crystals
my thoughts would make the hair on their arms stand like a nostalgic ghost, like a deadly spirit
my thoughts would rain down on others, soaking them in unidentifiable feelings of uneasiness
my thoughts would nudge their shoulders like invisible children

my thoughts would never solidify
and no one could see
they could only feel the density of the air thicken as my head would swell to the size of the room, trapping all bystanders in my engorged mind
stuck in a nameless world of confusion
an endless orb of fantasy and illusion
unsure of the conclusion
i watched, as my thoughts filled the room full of oblivious people
bouncing off the walls and flying over heads, staining the carpets
but who was watching me?

when i think of us together

i used to picture us standing side by side, fingers interlocked as the train approaches forcing us to let go but only for a second to allow you to step on but just as i am about to follow you up, the door closes, and you look at me through a foggy, fingerprint encrusted window mouthing the word "goodbye" over and over until the train is no longer in sight as i watch your pink lips and fair skin disappear

but now when i think of us i see you standing on a solid white line, fifty or so feet away from me whilst progressively getting further and I'm trying to run towards you but the line just keeps extending and no matter how fast i try to run you're still too far to reach
you're fading and it terrifies me because now i'm standing on that white line completely still, in place and intact, turned the complete opposite direction from you and now that i'm looking forward, no longer dwelling on the past, i can see someone else approaching
i don't want to get hurt again
but time goes on and doesn't stop even for the pauses in my heart rate and the frozen mess of my mind
it's been so much time
and i've wasted so much time that i think somewhere inside the streams of saltwater staining the books by my nightstand,
i've forgotten you

(the next time i try to convince myself that i miss you, maybe i'll start asking why?)

staring deep into my own reflection i finally remember the reason why my body fights so hard to keep me alive (i weep)
i realize how every ounce of my being still exists, because i am worth so much more than the heartbreak, i am worth more than a perpetual feeling of emptiness dwelling within my ribcage (my blood is rushing, and i'm forgetting how to breathe)
i remember i remember i remember
and i finally know how to deal with my pain (i feel it everywhere, still)
i can mend the fragments of my heart back together and use them to better myself in every possible aspect there is to improve (i think it broke again)

this is just a story,
a reconstructed lie,
i am falling apart, forgetting my existence,
i am not here
and it's your fault (but i will be okay.)

does life ever feel so desperate that you find yourself relentlessly convincing yourself that you're made of something the world needs, that the sun burns in attempt to let you shine, that oxygen flows in molecules through the air just to keep you breathing
but the convincing is so inauthentic that you can feel the hours passing by and the skin peeling off your cold body in an effort to escape the inner self-destruction going on
  my organs are afraid and my stomach turns, my eyes droop, my lungs deflate, my heart falls to the ground and shatters
    everything around me is trying so desperately hard to remind me of how much i don't matter, and how easily my life can be simply taken away
            you win
               because now
                    nothing matters
                        and in soon enough time,
             my heart wont have to pulse in fear
my lungs won't have to heave
    and my eyes won't have to swing down so low
because i won't matter either.

Fall -- you broke my heart. You took, stole,  & burned the corners of my flesh, ripping at every heart string. The leaves changed color, and so did I.

Winter -- the snow was heavy this year. My heart was still shattered, but stages of grief come in waves. And my wave was 10 feet high on the idea of denial.

Spring -- the grief had settled a bit. Spring bloomed with new possibilities and I savored all the new color and attraction. Yet, your eyes were still the brightest color I saw. Your hands continued to be my favorite canvas of art.

Summer -- This wave was the one that possessed most depth. Sun soaked up all the tears. Memory held my mind and heart captive. This was the first summer I wasn't spending with you. All of our past seasons washed past my mind -- causing the largest wave of grieve.

Fall --  my heart was finally at peace. We got coffee. We talked. We were the same once again. We laughed, cried, smiled. You and I were normal once again. Not  connected by a love relationship , but connected into something must deeper, much more real, much more permanent.

it has almost been a year since we have been apart. And for some reason rain, stars, movies, laughter, and fall are my most fond memories of you. Our connection then and now continue to shine bright in my eyes and heart.

And although it wasn't our time in this moment, of this precious life, you and I will forever be connected in a deeper way than most.

I still see shooting stars and think of you. Infinite possibilities within infinite seasons.

here i am, three months later still perpetually oxygenating the suffocated fantasy that one day i will see you again and my heart will remember how to pulse, my hands will remember how to hold, and you will somehow love me again

here i am, three months later spoon-feeding lies to my hungry brain, telling it "he will come back" spilling fraudulent words into my impressionable mind
"maybe he misses you too"
"it will all make sense in time"
"keep your head up, and remember you're strong enough to get through this"

here i am with a mind that fully believes you came into my life for a reason yet somewhere beneath those strongly wired thoughts, though i have no control over it, is the lingering pessimist that whispers in my ear when i'm sleeping at night, dreaming about the grace of your skin against mine
"he never loved you"
but it wasn't until this moment right now that, that pessimist has been truly heard

because i'm still here
after three, exhausting months, arms weak from reaching out for your grasp, lungs collapsed from all the dry heaving and half-breaths of missing you, and i'm finally looking at you
but you don't even
see me.