I long to slowly melt away
Until who I am
Was
Are
Ceases to exist

And now I know that your God isn’t real
And he doesn’t answer prayers
For if he were
And he did
I wouldn’t be here typing this poem

Far too long have I labored under the cruel slavemaster of my emotions
Whipped I am by my love for you
Desperately I have tried to escape from this slavery
But crippled am I by infatuation
Here I'll stay in this cruel cruel place
Until love turns to hate
Only then will I be free

Different face
Same situation
Different words
Same meaning
I'm tired of rejection
Tired of giving my all only to be tossed aside
What more do you want from me
My heart
You have that
My soul
You own that
My body
You've possessed that
So why do you continue to hurt me
Torment me with your silver tongue
Only to pullback and leave me disappointed
There's nothing left for me to give
I guess I'm just not enough to make you stay

An eternity with you wouldn't be enough

Pray to your God
The God that allowed Satan to torment Job for his own amusement
Pray to your God
The God that allows trials to rain on both the just and the unjust
Pray to your God
The God that turned away from his own son in his time of need
Stand in front of a train and pray to your God
Prayer is powerless
No matter how many times you pray "let this cup pass from me"
In the end you'll come to realize that you are praying to a God who has abandoned you

I've had my fair share of sleepless nights
Those nights are the nights that I lie awake thinking
(Which I must say is quite dangerous for me )
I roll around in my bed
Trying to figure out my purpose
My mind always brings be back to the same question
Does my life really have meaning?
I preach to my friends that everyone's life has meaning
But I feel like I'm a different case
All the religion ******* aside
Does it really?
In this world the bigger, badder, richer, or better looking always prevail..
So what's to become of the small, weak, middle class, and mediocre?
****
I feel myself getting caught up again
Getting caught up in the web of depression and anger that I keep weaving for myself
I'm a spider that gets caught in her own web
I'm desperately trying to escape
But these ******* webs just aren't giving
I liken my feelings to mosquito repellent
My feelings keep everyone at bay
They make me inaccessible
Inaccessible is pretty great for a ******* like me
I derive a certain kind of dark pleasure from being able to say that I have no friends
It's easier to pity myself that way
Then you came along and ****** my world up
Turned it upside down
And just as suddenly as you entered my life you left
It's as if my world is suspended in mid air
I know that I'm about to fall
And it's happening slow enough that I can see it
But there is absolutely no way for me to stop it
And maybe I don't want to stop it ******* it
I want that pain
I need it
To pull me back to ******* reality
Because life isn't a fairytale
Disney has distorted our views of romance
Romance is dead
Love is a myth
Stop living in your Harlequin novels
And get back to the real world
Life has no meaning
And I have no purpose
I was only born to die

Happiness is not something I'm accustomed to
I'm sure that if I ever came face to face with happiness I would fail to identify her
Don't get me wrong happiness is something that I crave
I long for happiness
I desire it
I desire happiness so much it almost is sickening
I lust after happiness
The need to feel her everyday only grows
But yet she is somehow always just out of my reach
So I settle for her lover sadness instead
Occasionally happiness and I will hook up
But I always fall back into the arms of sadness
Every time that sadness takes me my thoughts drift to happiness
How I wish it was her instead of him
Maybe one day I will have the courage to take a hold of happiness and never let her go
But for now I will settle for the unsatisfying embrace that sadness has to offer

My heart is hammering in my chest
Almost
as
If
It's trying to escape my ****** prison
I'm panting forcing the air in and out of my lungs
Faster
And faster
And faster
Until I can't breath anymore
I'm choking on air
I'm suffocating
Clawing at my throat
Desperately gasping for oxygen
I can't stop
Although the muscles in my legs are screaming for me to halt
My legs won't carry me fast enough
Away from that horrid thing in the mirror
Lights
Cars
And shop windows pass by in a blur
My legs finally give out and I collapse on the ground
I look into a puddle
only to meet the gaze of the one
I tried so hard to escape from





I watch the blood flow
But it's not nearly enough
I feel the walls closing in
I need something more
I'm hyperventilating
Gasping for air
If I can just remember to
breathe                                                         ­                     
breathe                          
breathe
Clutching my chest
Heart beats erratic
There has to be something more
More than
Sadness                                    
Pain
Disappointment
The walls are crushing me
And my resolve is crumbling
I don't know how much longer I'll last