getting bad again is not noticing the eleven pounds you've dropped in the past month simply because it makes you sick to eat and the empty feeling in your stomach masks the one in your chest

getting bad again is falling in love with the chaos as much as you fell for the boy because having a life in shambles is what you know you deserve and knowing you never deserved that joy in the first place

getting bad again is grinning at the hateful comments you hear because its validation for everything you think and it only fuels the fire of self loathing in your soul

getting bad again is the deep set bags under your eyes that still aren't big enough to carry all the emotional trauma, the guilt that never seems to leave, and the regrets for all the mistakes you've ever made

getting bad again is the late nights
the unsent messages
the tears and puffy eyes
the empty stomachs and empty minds
the aching chest
the drugs and distractions

but most importantly
getting bad again
is just a part of life
and getting better again
is just the next step

s.s

the satisfaction
of numbers dropping at your feet
and the warmth
of nothing in your stomach

s.s

she was a riptide
the kind of disaster you can’t see
but once you're pulled in
oh god, you can’t get out
she was a crooked smile
a terrible laugh
too much of this,
too little of that
she was a mess
but she was golden
an 11:11 wish
you’d later regret
chaos in a quiet package
something that is
better to forget
she was something to fall for
until you realise
all she does is fall
she is a mess
and always will be
her lungs are filled with panic
and her veins laced with turmoil

s.s

i keep trying to write about how i dont feel right without you, but now im crying in class and none of the words seem to get the point across that you were the best thing to ever happen to me and i miss you more than i ever thought i would and all these words are as ****** as i feel

s.s

i've compared you to
oceans
drugs and
storms
to light
water
love and
more

i've crafted a million different metaphors
just to try and capture your beauty

but the truth is
you're just a boy
a boy i found perfection in

in every breath you took
and every atom in your ******* body
i found a reason to love

s.s

this is all my fault
this mess of life before me
this is all my fault

s.s