The internal clock winds down another year Time keeps going by faster i fear How much longer am i supposed to be here That's not up for me to decide Or is it Who knows anymore Certainly not me Counted my birthdays on five year intervals with my fingers and toes I've ran out Twenty one years old still so very concerned with what life is about I'm wasting time Or am i Who knows anymore Am i still in my youth What little youth i had You tend to grow up very fast when self loathing thoughts are all you've ever had Praying to a god to relieve you of always being so sad Relative to everything that's happened in the past I cannot release this hot burning coal Its not as simple as letting things go
I sleep on a bed of nails Every day when i get up i stick the sharp objects right into my back even though they were left by everyone else All different shapes and sizes Finger prints on the handles as well Very individual characteristics of the weapons themselves Alternate methods i can still feel the pain of being impaled Most people tear the blades out throw them to the ground Not me They're the only thing still connected to the memories of what its like to feel I refuse to let these wounds heal Being in contact with trustworthy souls becomes surreal One day I'm sure I'll come to terms with what's actually real Until then I'm content with bleeding day in and day out Just to get that sliver of compassion to seek out and nurture my spirit while i lay completely still someday ill be able to sheath all this metal and continue on with my journey Right now my hope is my attorney and his case is very weak Someday I'll remember what its like to be strong Then I'll strive harder then ever before The key to unlock this door is buried deep inside my heart Which is heavily guarded by my mind I'm running out of time There's still a part of me that doesn't want to die I'll keep bringing him supplies so maybe he can fly Little by little
Its hard to think about numbness taking away huge chunks of me as a person It keeps eating away at parts of my internal wiring until there's nothing but bare metal Depression has somehow become a trend Id gladly trade places with any of you to feel again Please Take this plague from my body Take the weights off of my soul I am losing control I truly ache for anyone who can truly relate to this indifferent identity I wouldn't wish this sickness upon my worse enemy My mind screams so loud i expect every last ******* entity on this earth to hear it Death to anyone who opposes my spirit Even if its myself I am past the point of help My malfunctioned parts collect dust on a shelf Self inflicted surgery at the time seemed to be the only way to ensure my health There are pictures hanging everywhere of my body with the face cut out I find no solace in how i look now I've broken every mirror in my house 21 years of bad luck no reason to stop now Encase me in cement and break me across the ground So i can taste the dirt and get kicked around One last time
If my life were a movie It'd be the one where the hero didn't win If the hero is even a hero at all Everything I've ever done wrong etched into my memory before i take the final fall My soul no longer cries out My mind has done a good job of sewing it's mouth shut I'm too much of a coward to end it all Through my head the thoughts will continue to crawl They've planted a tree As far as they could deep down inside of me Its roots in my feet Its branches grow twisted within me as i sleep Cut me down
If everyone has their own demons to fight I am too weak to continue If everyone is able to still go on with their day to day life I don't possess the same strength that is within you
Chisel me away I've given you the hammer and all my weak points So you start With little strength starting with all my ligaments and joints You don't tear them Very precise and careful like you know exact what you're doing I should've learned from the past Even though everyone tells and teaches not to take it with you How can i forget when its in repetition and tied to the strings on my shoes I have adapted to the hurt Or lack there of The sight of you doesn't make me sick anymore Just an itch in the back of my throat that i still can't stand You didn't rip out my heart or make me question who i am You just simply made me feel like i wasn't worth it Or anything at all Dirt beneath your feet I've dug through every inch of my body and ripped out your disease Burned the bridge that connected our hearts and minds I hope you do the same As methodically and perfect as me Because when you're digging through old love notes i don't want you to feel a thing when you find Any residue of my feelings Because they were a mistake A mistake not so grave You weren't the best or the worst Just somewhere in the middle Very forgettable In all you're insecure self loathing beauty You know my nature and all i stand for A deliberate betrayel that i seen from a mile away The itch is gone And so are you
Spring; the birth of a new love, clean and pure; Summer; the intense infatuation, strong and true; Autumn; the dwindling feelings, lost and unsure; Winter*; the memories lost in time, sad and adieu.