shila n

shila n Jun 2020

dreams

someone once asked her
why she watches slash films a lot
she answered
she hopes to be hunted
in her nightmares
to experience terrors
of dying
that she couldn't
afford to have
in pure daylight

shila n Jun 2020

untitled

some poems are not meant
to be titled
some poems are meant to be untitled
they tell stories
visible or hidden
it's up to the readers
to give the poem titles
according to their understandings

shila n Jun 2020

she

every morning she wakes up with hatred
she hates no one but herself
she hates herself for breathing
she hates herself for existing
she hates herself for living
she hates herself for being there
alas, she even thinks that death hates her
it refused to take her away
she must be that hateful
sigh..
she hates herself

shila n Apr 2020

THE UNINVITED

the fog writhe
approaching near

I try to run
anyhow, blocks of glasses
arose out of nowhere
I'm inside of a building now
standing before rows of windows

out I look
I see something
someone
an unknown figure
I couldn't make what is it
but my heart knows
I hate it

I got alarmed by my fear
the chills are slithering on my skin
It is coming
a lady in white, all torn up, full of dirt
was it soil?
was it blood?
messy long hair as dark as the night without the moonlight
bloodless pale skin
bloodshot sickly looking eyes

give me mercy
I really don't like this
I must get out of here
I must!

I tripped myself
I fell on my face
I try to get up but I failed
my body feels so heavy
so burdened
there's something above me
it's the woman
I know it's her
she sits on my back
I could feel her eyes
scanning through me
I could feel she
brushes her cold hands on my back
they're on my shoulders now
and then on my neck
to quelch it
she wants to **** me!

I close my eyes as tight as I could
I'm so scared
I'm ******* do
I try to scream
but no voice was out
it could not even pass through my lungs
only dry air escapes
only I could hear my voice
echoed in my own head
my neck got stiffened
I started to get panic

hell no!
I don't need panic attack right now
thanks!
breathe, I tell myself
it's not real
the woman is not real

keep fighting
move your limbs
kick my legs
grab on my mattress
I blink my eyes
forcing them to open
I have to wake up!

the lights from the wall
peeking through my lashes
my muscles had relaxed
my body feels light now
no longer heavy
I sat up
my heart raced

I search through my bag
took my pill
I overthrown my blanket
trying to go back to sleep
reciting prayer in my head
hoping to not encounter
the uninvited visitor
again

the nightmare I had before I experienced sleeping paralysis, or what I thought to be incubus

#nightmare #sleeping #paralysis #incubus #horror

shila n Mar 2020

vaccine

those times we missed
are back for us to bond
family, friends, pets
all in one place for each other
reminiscing good ol’ times

factories are closed
streets are empty
fresh air seeping back into humanity
dolphins, turtles
are back to the shores
the earth is healing

could it be
just, could it be
we are the virus
and this suffocating illness
was sent as the vaccine
to heal the world?

In this time of misery, please take care of yourself, my friends. Follow all the guidelines your authorities have given out. Don’t believe in everything that was put on the internet. Be educated. Know what you need to know. Stay safe, wherever you are. We’re all in this together!

#virus #vaccine #coronavirus #earth #emptiness #family #friends #humanity

shila n Aug 2019

p o l a r i t y

nobody wants to love you
nobody wants to be in your arms
you find yourself walking down the alleys
make it money rains
here come the birds without the wings
you feel loved
you feel wanted
screaming farewell to loneliness

: : : : : : : : : :

everybody loves you
everybody have their arms around you
but you ******* in the dark corner
get the floor flooded by your tears
you throw away the angels
you take in the devils
and you still feel so alone

it saddens me that so many people still cannot see that feeling lonely is different than feeling alone. feeling alone is deadlier than lonely, it could ****.

#alone #lonely #difference #depression

shila n Feb 2019

too comfortable, it hurts

we talked last month
we talked last week
we talked last night
we talked this morning
we are still talking now
what are we doing?
no, what am I doing?
I've been telling myself
I don't wanna talk with you anymore
we should not talk
cut all connection
but why are we still talking
like nothing happens
we are getting cosy
we are getting closer
we are getting so comfy
this is not cool, man
little did you know
you're killing my heart
each time

I keep talking to my crush while battling against my own feelings towards him...

#crush #love #helpless #why