dunes roll beneath my toes
black sand over my belly
and silver into my nose

awoken missed calls
to another eight hour stand
body pain and mental strain
say it's needed and
call this really living

call it present call it future
call it time forever further

(group poetry)
☆
fish warm
fish cooked and broiled
fish fresh
fish clean, unsoiled
☆
the bless-ed corn
ur hair it does adorn
☆
snorting god
☆
i responded with as much honesty as courtesy would allow
☆
my own words meant for someone else
coming back to me and applying to myself
☆

penning lemming blackberry stems lending friendship sending jam jelly mending slam poetry unending

there is something up there
bending burning melting hurting
and it keeps me silent

inexplicably unavoidable
please be kind to me for i am not strong
although i know you are unable
and by that i mean that you refuse
im sorry youre not someone else
im sorry you are you

☆
drinking air like flame
a moth inside a lantern
the passion in pain
☆
burning desire
the rapture of heat
self immolation
☆
acutely consumed
and terminally alive
chronic thoughts of love
☆

when there are several months in seven days
hearts soaking into carpet, it will leave a stain
drowning in stars is not enough to keep this appetite contained
empty chest cavity to blame

stop the pain
cut its reign
maim me
hang me
save me

seventy five percent and of the unprosetic words eighty some is silver. eighty some a studded cup, insulated yard sale zippers, two black doors, just like the hood of a past to a sister. sometimes the existence is painful, but with sweet will come bitter, merely wishing for peaceful decisions that do not fester but glimmer, although the fear is insurmountably weighted heavily pressed to the soul, and occasionally cracking the skull, creating a beat just to keep a distraction for temperature, redirection of heat, and tears under stars will shimmer with shivers of guilt - acceptance pending, as this will not wither, this will not wilt.

a flavor lost in water
frustration dissolving into apathy
does it even matter any more.
a comedy of pain
would you like to see the discrepancy in timestamps
or is it enough to say im ready
and would you understand
when i tell you with joy
i no longer love you
or would that contradict these citrus-scented apple slices
touched only by two hands
and the burning of acidic salt beneath my eyes
as if i ever stood a chance

A slice of paper inked with fist-fulls of letters for your tongue
Read it aloud, stand your ground, do me proud
With a great drink of air and the pulling of courage from the mud on your shoes
Just forget how you’ve been, and go out on this limb
You begin

cant sleep when theres fire on my face. the heat upon my legs and arms it weighs above the cushions, and on the other side behind the screen and on concrete careful - in the perch, a watchful eye dont think youre clever. it is cold and it is gentle, and there are airplanes in the sky - today i talked to one about satellites, and i wonder if the stars will reach down for me tonight, and if i will bend so slightly forwards to meet them as they fall - though with city lights i doubt they will at all

gentle hands when gentle time collides
touch hair touch heart touch lives
include another in tactile feeling
grounding, remind them that they are worth being
the warmth that is held in the palm and the eyes
conveyed to each other through physical guide
how difficult to be vulnerable
to show scars with skin
but with touch, consolable
a human within

it will be a piecemeal process wont it
perhaps its just the way that i am feeling
i know tomorrow will be different (or will it?)
but that does not make this nothing

it is tempting to make the cut
is it worth it when its always proven wrong
but i am scared
will the damage mend
or perhaps should i say will i care

at what point is history enough
when do i decide to take the jump
and should i consider the climb down instead
and by climb i mean getting dashed against the cliffside
and by cliffside i mean the wooden box of ticket stubs
where i awake in tears because she said that it was normal
but this was not the first time
and by that i mean if i were to break the curfew
where would i go if not straight back to here

inaction is a choice
i hope i will not stand so paralyzed in spring
id like to think its simply winter frost come early
but dependency has cuffed me

the expanse found between solid bones
a cavity so fatal it makes me wonder should i even bother
is my energy better spent if i just let it die
or should i **** it faster
should i even try to stay alive

I AM BREATHING.
THE ATMOSPHERE HAS TURNED TO PINS AND NEEDLES
IT HAS TURNED TO ASPHALT TAR
THE AIR IS FULL OF DISTANCE AND REGRET
BUT I AM BREATHING YET
THE OXYGEN HAS TEETH AND IT IS SCREAMING
BUT I AM BREATHING
I AM BREATHING.

people change their minds
nothing's unconditional
traditionally habitual of human animals
predictably they always change their minds

but not you, no
you're not typical
you're unequivocal
I know exactly what you think
you're never finicky
because you unconditionally
unaccept me
your consistency is appreciated
as indicated by tears that ensue
so thank you
I mean it, I really do

my body and soul in a boxers ring
the ref has been shot, throttled, and kinged
compliant to no one, inside is a known run
yet all parties here are the foe
are the loser the liar and lo--
the body is violent.
the audience: god, and they sit there silent.
soul socked, blocked, and bruised, he shivers to quiet
and body, it staggers and quivers in triumph
but it shakes and it cries because its eyes are mine
for a fire inside
does not inspire
but burns and hollows to rinds

soul, he delivers a blind hit.
in stride and in mind, an inmate of wildness.
of trial-less, unending, childish depending, spiraling slightly askew

and of tiredness.

the soul, he kneels, and body, it keels
the ref has revived and is quick to the meal
she tears apart body and dips into soul

there's only one answer
as god keeps their hands still
no matter the way that it's told.

you've never seen their mornin
never known their everyday
don't know for them what is normal
careful what you say
what you say, what you do
watch your actions careful too
don't know what they been born into
what kind of baggage came
with their family name
cause you ain't never seen their mornin
ain't never seen their mornin

off and out into the wild
into the light of day
walking down the street
nothing special just mundane
self confidence picks up feet over concrete
this is what it feels like
to be yourself to be for real [sweet!]
sometimes a real feat
just to be yourself a real feat
a real feat
sweet

search and seizure
homework in the park just leisure
nothing wrong except for question eight
turn the page of the packet wait

pain killer's killed by time
constricting stomach folds inside
poppin pills in the park
not the kind for after dark
just some pain killer
brain filler
when mind's filled with hurt
torment
torture
only pain around the corner
pain killer
pain killer

you see what you want to see
perceive what you only already believe
bias/
drop your false pious/
your badge doesn't make a preacher
abilities abused only makes a cheater
just assumed the pills from a dealer
but you ain't a mind reader [nah!]
you ain't a mind reader

stop and take a breather
check your reason before creepin, search and seizure
give some space, search and seizure
not your place, search and seizure

search and seizure

i know that if i touch the glass it will ripple and shimmer and light me on fire
i know that if i drink from the waters edge that i will never return to this side
i know that if i lean forward i could kiss him and just as easily lose the entirety of my being
for at this window i find it is the bridge from my body to the world and i can feel it pulling me in
and if i let it, it would make me into the universe and leave not a single trace behind

they say a pictures worth a thousand words
and with eyes of fire you read me like a book
i want to ask how many words are on the pages
are there as many lines as blisters on my skin
as many as the tears ive spilled into your palms of flame
or can you count them on your fingers, can you count them on one hand
are there as many as the burn degree that i have sustained

a new symphony
invited to a group
honored flattered
small dreams really
my short hair mistook
by thee an image shattered
sorry but new me
I think myself it suits
(so don't mind if I do)
not yet exact, sure
but we'll get there

stir fry rice in the black skillet pan
stove top breakfast but not enough time
blueberry coffee cake in room seventeen
outdoor windstorm inner demon fling
pride and accomplishment but sorrow as well
what if it's all down hill from now
best performance in practice compelled
what if that was the best I'll ever tell
what if the slam isn't great isn't perfect
wait

breathe
don't negatively dwell
feet wide, chest out, clenched fists, inner yell
power pose and your sound will grow
in this case
your sound of existence
may you ever be persistent
in working for your dreams

next on agenda, signature forgeries
for a cause of course no cons
light theft earlier today
held the door and stacked chairs
rules broken my way
skip to offer therapy, support, care
make you feel understood

I like to think that I'm chaotic good

to the store in the wind under clouds over wheels times two
I liked her hair; it was like mine
but no, I hadn't seen a chocolate lab
whipping cream sixty percent done stirred in sugar needs more sugar
needs more sweet
vanilla extract
extract joy then with snapped yells coursing in the veins of home
home... not really, just some walls, my heart isn't here
black pearls on fingers and necks and minds and upon my life
VPN poetry under cold sheets on a twin mattress
prayer beads of black pearls on the shelf
if it didn't take two hands to type
those pearls would be somewhere else

potted paints in tins
glass water bottled dipped with brush's tip
crouched at a baby table back hurting knees hurting hand hurting head hurting
this is art
watercolored spit is this enough for you
of course not

another cake but without cream
my tooth lethal leveled sweet
didn't even read
fine print in the footer
of birth certificate
"may contain mentally sick"
I'll die of too much sugar
if not first by bullet to the head or any particular sharp edge
this house takes anger and consumes it straight
presumes hate
don't touch me
I don't feel safe with my roommates

it's four in the morning
go back to bed
dreams soaring but
don't spend so much time inside your head
it's time for work instead
Easter Sunday

homework on the dining table
laptop and a pen
don't tell me I don't fit my label
wasn't kidding when I said
this is not pretend
Easter Sunday

six years without wheels can lead
to isolation caged frustration stuck inside a cell
inside the bottom of a well
understand me
I wish I had a bike
but really I just wanna love my family
wish that they were people that I liked
they love me and deserve it back
but I just can't requite like that
in tears upon linoleum
I'm loveless in the bathroom
Easter Sunday

my head's a hollow jar
made of fragile glass
careful not to break
into a hundred shards

my eyes are made of cork
but very poorly so
as everything leaks out
puddles on the floor

I don't mean to harbor such hate
it's not like me to do so
I so strongly believe in giving repreive
for all I do and don't know

I'm sorry to be so jaded
it's just tough to live under this roof
my space is always invaded
I feel always under scrutiny
on the edge of mutiny
or at least just moving out
(quietly, of course)
or so intended though contended
by your natural ways
to make a show of something soft
my reasoning has made
the need to know of why I'm off
you'll never get the answer that you wish for
as I whisper
something not the truth

Very distracting kind of abstract
Cardboard laundry hamper box filled with soiled time
Wash your clocks and clean its hands
Lord knows how often seconds wipe smiles from faces
How unsanitary, which I can't stand
But yet, the crumples of crinkled sheets cast aside
Though should reside in washer's spinning bowl
In actuality slumps glumly on my floor truly self extolled
How will I ever do on my own, after leaving from home
I'll be alone and hungry and ******, nothing but skin and bone
Anyway
It's time I just get those sheets washed

three hours later at the nine and followed forty
(where did you go from the four)
slandered rocks he left on bricks before a bus of bad memories came to knock me down
straight into the ground I thought it might just drive me to the mantle
molten rock to cool my temper after living below finger pads and being trampled
how could I have run when simply stunned I nearly tripped
over my own tongue
I need to close my mouth
but here I am too kind too cruel to ever say a word but to never stop a sentence what kind of speech is my own
I've never heard it real so to speak you see at least thats how it feels

ask me again tomorrow and I'll say I've felt it true and that I know myself exactly who
and yet
across the bench is you

I'm tired I'm drained I'll completely explain
why I do not like you--
if only you'd sign this form of consent to never sue me over words I may have maybe said
except those are never read just signed in blinded ink instead
so really what's the use just take the helmet off my head
(don't be silly, as if I ever had it really)

he's got his heart on his shoulder but I'm not sure
if there's another in his throat
another one to dread
I hope to find proof yet hope's all I can do
for better or for worse or left for simply dead
I cannot seem to tell good liars what's the truth

seventy percent is needles in my head, bed sheets clean but not made yet
seventy percent is baby park pride, neighborhood rummage sales and mountain bike rides
seventy percent is school computer games, new DS names, broken back maimed
seventy percent is everything I did today except for homework
why'd you have to make it seventy percent
if it were less then maybe I would put forth
but it just feels impossible and efforts will be worthless
seventy percent is something bound to fail
seventy percent of my grade 'bout to derail

we established rules what you think you doin
thought we had a deal man
why you go and ***** it
once upon a time
we had a good thing
but bro you makin sad decisions
it's completely maddening
I was havin lots of fun
and it seemed like you were too
but then ya just had to
go and break the rules
that really made me mad and now youre gonna feel my wrath
cause that's just how it goes when you biff it bad in minecraft

the hands have turned in several circles
and here I am at last
my head between the leveled curtains
behind me, left for past

the future veiled by pleats drawn
undone a twisted cord from imagination
I see a lonely boy growing old
in cubicles and grocery stores
condemnation of pc screens
drifted words become
the only voice stony cold
I see a lonely girl growing old
in tiny houses with empty rooms
and a stuffed closet with nothing used
whipped stirred and done
the bony choice joking folds
a lonely person growing old

tears will well, in weeping fell
but clear eyes see fear lies
because of course beyond the curtains
nothing's forced and nothing's certain
thus all could be reality
it's mostly knowing keeping bold
just wait and see what's next for me
I won't be lonely growing old

mindfulness on nature's needles
see the sky's brightness turned to max over hand prints
planned trips of impromptu gladness exceeds all
of every expectations, I breathe tall
I feel small, but content
the world's beauty just will never relent

it is my perception that ebbs and flows
my imperfections that make me glow
and my intentions that seem to go
in all directions connected expressions
I feel the calm of love and acception
within is lifted, the self-oppression
I'm blissed out this yoga session

ashes on a dresser's top
a candle lit for one
a deck of suns and split are some
stopped in small hands lost

a single boy fell to the floor
the messenger brings news
for few is it a story through
for most worn cards are torn

you're the one who wanted the sale
yet you anguish over axles and hands
today or tomorrow or never bother and borrow
exhale frustration and stale anger for patience
may compassion expand despite demand

coming fast and about to hit
speed of light but even quicker
dissociated limbs that quit
a losing battle a quiet whimper
iced up feet in sheets of liquor
falling heads with IV drippers
crippled bones and blood made thicker
atrocious ripper zipped but flickered
wicker tricks grip wits of fleeting trips
grow weaker writhing trickled sick

thirty minute play time
sixty hour scroll
fifteen times of homework
and seventy to toll

finger on a screen
lines of all thats in
shapes that have been seen
speaks of what has been

a notebook closed on table
hunched back over the board
bringing grapefruit abled
cracked knuckles to the core

touch and sense and good
twice upon the body
water held in stood
two thirds of the laundry

music in my follicles
art inside my pores
theres feeling in my eyelids
emotions in my joints
and most of every single thing there is
the thought of it conjoined

ah.
its been a minute
been around the block with my train ticket
travelin wicked fast with it in my hand missin all the scenery but bland cause it
not much
train dont stop for no **** but its your choice to go sit
to stay put and know this that you can jump ship
itll
keep you in hold you down whisk you away
make you forget why you just woke up today
just chuggin along takin its time but speeding for fun
got you rugged but calm, just restin in some methodical thoughts it could sweep you in routines hypnotic youll not
remember the windows again hear yourself in your head but instead coast through life leaving living on read
you gotta
open the door
lean out feel the wind but keep it open for sure
the grounds whippin by but youll be just fine one step more tuck n roll,
breathe.

early morning heavy bag with nothing else but hopeful
they said theyd be there soon
you say youll be there later
catan at engineering noon
was bittersweet flavored

water in the kettle
barely touched the mech on the table
last day tears in the after shelter mental
i was in the ceramics studio when you arrived when it all came together
rivers of slip and clay and dip and dip and swing

keeping printing lately squinting
we helped to bring the paper
you disappeared concerning feared
but just for shoes in your backseat

sparkled nails on the church's floor
behind the curtain essay typin
ping pong flyin wild story improv timin
next to those shoes scrollin and the topic was ace
so i dont know if its my place
but
as we left the lack of open doors was odd/
so then came back to the front lawn of god to give you a plastic bag of support
keepin rapport in some way of some sort
gracious hospitality that it wasnt raining
though when we were waiting there were trains and there was dogs/
but soon hes gone and hugged and loved

and now im in the front seat;
and then im in the drivers.

back window fogged, behind the wheel with you beside me reel and keel my necks still sore two days later just like my brain that needs a stapler
because i couldnt look at you
im scared of being fake but then/
music's meant to sing
i went to bed at 1 am
i dont regret a thing

integrals of goldfish and scrollin
significantly easier than expected
bracelets and blocks and rockets
from breakin a hundred

short drive the hill that rarely took
bowl of quinoa and another of pudding
just like the cups on the table of atla
waiting whistling losing air in digital pacing

it was four minutes after
one down and just to two
once again im wonderin but this time i know that its not true

cutting ice with knives and gliding with lemons
bodyprox'd knees and coworkers girlfriends
gargoyling fountains and relacing skates
i wouldnt much mind getting used to this

its dark and its late and you asked me what sort of changes id been thru
the second that ive ever told to

the first stop was closed but the next one was perfect
yoyo slingin in the parking lot
with rippled notes blastin tunes
reference typin effect affect i love you

cloudy early brightly walking
auto pilot busing
an extra hour of penciled words
just for your entrusting
trigun sketches life drawn messes
another joined us later
and when the photos posted
he was clearly there and on the table in the conversation causing laughter blushing i was not expecting because now you know

but then at one, another ride
a couple window hours
yet again an extra time a walk sublime
the flowers were in blossom
cherry petal soles to your aunt and uncles home
a pink abode above a pretty road
a most beautiful smile just beyond the door

oh how i missed you

talk of alcohol and crushes/ down the block and such this is/ so wonderful i love you, club or tonic i dont know the difference

dicing garlic in the kitchen
noodles cooking bread baking i tried white wine for the first time
(it was not particularly good)
but i drank it and i love you, watching tv on the couch
the little man that mr chicken he is just a little guy
a darling baby boy a chunky kitten
makes me think to past and how it felt in the backseat of the hospital parking lot i miss him

long hugs by the sink, a purple face cloth to my hands
a day that is so beautiful
my love, the heart expands

nearly noon oclock at night
phone screen poetry on a shared queen bed
the kitty woke me up this morning
his sweet little paws so gently said hello
a fistful of minutes and my toes touch the floor

i never understand the fridges of anothers home
but eggs are in the pan and pancake battered bowl
red room breakfast, black tea in the car
water on the ground sleeping soundly
cash back in the pocket
it was perfect pacin walkin
upstairs adventure with a basket of snacks
you called at just the right time for that strawberry milk pack

dorm couch poetry next to different angled conversations my world in rotation everything falling into place i dont know how to convey to you the magnitude but holy ******* **** i love my friends *******!

driving down the [] trail to ikea
cs backup in the backseat lackin sleep stacked up
parkin lot food keepin stats up
as the five hour campaign begins as it seems itll last us

why the ***** was it so hot in there

two weeks later and ive finally found a bathroom
(now i understand the scps and backrooms)
cleaning closed to women so its great that im a man or at least enough to take the handle still on brand but -
ive come to see things so unlike the way i have before a total norm to have the room with another human being it doesnt bother me at all in fact it feels natural sharing walls ive never been there on my own like that before -
such exhilaration from a stall inside a store and everything has changed,

Everything has Changed.

(fading bruises blue i never thought id heal in truth)
but actually outside of me every little thing has stayed the same -
and it is my lungs that have been shifted since the air that i am breathing is not different its just never like i used to

weird *** food court and a homework champ
bluetooth music with your mandatory lamp
hurtling down the aisles in a flatbed cart/
clambering the scaffolding
hampering the staff it seems
i say this dearly but you three quite sincerely
have a chokehold on my heart

ive never tried konjak jelly and ive never heard cherry wine but boy i cannot wait for these to be the first of a long string of things, immerse me in your lives submerged and intertwined i want to love you guys for a long long long ******* time

patience demanded now
it couldve been worse but i wasnt sure -
looking, and my thoughts are not current
and im sorry and im scared and is it worth it

unsatiated crown
cutting off, its all i know
the only thing i can control
and i worry and i falter
because all thats in my palms are stones

sitting in sun past locked windowed doors
wrist tendon tensioned from trying tagging for the first time
sometimes it pulls at my sleeve and i cannot predict when it will be, but at least it doesnt drag me like it used to
merely quietly suggesting to tentatively assume that it is true -
and i feel it striking down, rolling over skin, curling at the edge
but i will not give in