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Hot chocolates

My day was so chill until I got home and turned on the news
Death, death, politics, sports, death.

It made me realise how lucky I really am
To live in a safe home, with friends, familys, food and no war

For that I'm grateful.

Cudi, Miller, My skrillex killer.
My only tune is dreamin high,
I'm just sober it's a lie, Got my tack my only tune,
iss ok be home in june,
see my boo so soon no doom,
Its a relapse she my trigga I collapse  wit out my *****.
has the tips we seen the trips.
Keep ya real don't give ya lips,
         Your'e friend that blow your'e friend the ***,
don't lose your'e pride don't lose that glow,
I'd feal the blame.
My heart the shame., Restart the button and earn the "name"

I'm sorry hailey, Leavin nd diseven
                      Gettin lost nd takin cost,
Ya boo jesse Mckush
       for  my  sister  hailey   *haglund

Theres this guy named David Bojay.. hes like one of my closetest friends.. not many people know his story or what he has gone through but he opened up to me and told me everything.. i didnt know how to react or what to say.. everything he told me , you would never think he would go through because of how chill, funny, polite he is.. Once he told me , i worried about him and i thought differently about him because he was a great friend and i didnt want anything to happen to him..

if only you guys knew how great this guy is , you would understand why im writing this.. me and him have gone through practically the same ****.. hes like my twin but come from different familys.. honestly consider him my brother. i try not to stay to distant from him but lately weve been busy and weve been really distant.. his story is my story.. god brought us together for a reason , maybe he is the one that is leading back to the right path because before i was ****** up in the mind and i was a trouble maker.. lately ive been chilling with him and lately ive just been quiet and acting better.. all thanks to my bestfriend David Bojay.

She's a woman of integrity,
She recognises her beauty,
And her specialty.
Knowing she's not perfect,
She reflects before she can react,
She may not be every mans desire,
But that doesn't matter because its not something to require,
Love and total attention from one is enough,
Lots of times she laughs,
At times she even bluffs,
When life gets rough,
She gets tough,
She's a survivor,
Her familys reviver.
She's a woman,
A woman of integrity.

salt offerings to the wounds of pride
difference between dark of doom
and the engine of simple summer eve

night sustains but
but doom is the door to the
great beyond and the fates fair or foul
that awaits each of us

a voice echoes along the path
to all the heavens ever proposed by mans thought
that voice speaks of years
spins a tale of labors
whispers songs of longing
quietly shouts story's of horror

reserve your strengths friend
for the battle yet to come
hush your unquiet mind
and lay your head down to rest
soon enough blades shall stir to war
soon enough widows shall gather their children to
graveside rememberence of fallen fathers

as trailing edge of summer day
slips into the past
the depth and majesty of summer night unfolds
crickets and the sounds of feasting familys
warm breeze in the tall grass
the sand of a beach on your fingertips
simple joys in our world and of our lives
are the counterbalance the
the dark things in our world

Red ribbons  around the streetlights.
  The lights from the commadore theather
are a reflection of the past.
Coblestone streets the historic district across the water
buildings are lit  haunting  shadows over the water.

Once  a year closed streets seem to travle back in time.
Roasted penuts  street corner preformers.
Familys togather homeless on benches not all is beautiful and bright.

Sweet city so cold and gritty.
Christmas lights like neon signs call to my jaded soul.
Horse and carrige ride down by the water.
New lovers getting lost in the moment an season.

I sit apon the steps of the old church share a bottle with
My new best friend  smells of the city echo back to another time.
Lights and sounds reflect a holiday on highstreet.
Hands held  togther  when  in another  life it seems you
were mine.

Cold are the streets  carols fill this night.
If only more than once a year.
We could embrase this spirt.
Then trap it for one peaceful day.

The traffic apon  Highstreet  is  is slowing
The festival crowd is fading.
The bottle of christmas cheer is almost gone
so along with the I must  be going.

"Unlovable" is harsh,
But love is scarce,
When you live in this world of mine

People judge your hope,
But you can only cope,
Because it started from the beginning of time

They see what they hate,
And peace is too late,
For it begins another war

Humans beg and cry,
And on the streets they die,
And yet, we ask for more

We tend to be sick and wrong,
But in our minds we stand strong,
Alone against the world

Because of our hate,
And of the lives we take,
We wouldn't feel love if we could

So around and 'round,
We're beat to the ground,
In this circle of blood and gore

By our familys and friends,
And anyone with hands,
Until we shout, "No more"

We're pushed to the limit
Until we take the ticket
For a train to get out of town

But the only place to go,
And of this we know,
Is to be those six feet down

Familys ******* can ya hear em?
Uncle larry's probaly gonna puke dont get near him.
I kinda ****** up sight.
Someone get Bobby Joe outthe street cause ya know he aint bright.

Christmas kinda blows around here.
So toss me a bottle and crack a beer.
Hey did anyone know how the tree caught fire?
No sweetie uncle Stan  isnt a down on his luck actor.
He's really a drug dealer and habitual liar.

Is egg nog supposed to have chunks.
No baby it's  not cool that your 13 on facebook asking
for pic's of shirtless hunks.

Great it's time to sit down to dinner
Yes sure is great Father O Malley showed up.
Who better to chasethe boys and drink up the whiskey
screaming at the hat rack it's a sinner.


Um it's hard to make snow Angels  on the concrete.
No your son isnt spoiled.
He's just wearing more than i make month with his
seven thousand dollar sneakers on his feet.

Grandma it's kiss  under the mistletoe   no  tongue.
Ya think grandpa would have slowed on the cigs after getting put in the iron lung.

Great a blizzard has snowed us all in. yippie im bunking  with Little Tommy tinkles  thats the way the holiday goes.
I think freezing to death doesnt sound so bad.
Lord how Christmas blows.

We were sleeping in our sleeping bags
as a noise like a finger snap
did wake us and break
our dreams into shreds
and someone did shout:
"This is the night the heater went out!"
And no time was wasted, it was a riot in fact
everybody was leaving
not leaving the place intact
the curtains blackened
and there were screams and tears and hours of horrors
all inside seconds
and apocalyptic schemes were suspected in every can
of canned beans
there were prophets and saviors falling from the ceiling
2 for every human being
shouting madly:
"The heater needs healing!"
But no one was listening
because the terror was whisteling
and walking very casually
with his hands in his pockets
ripping the copper wires
out of every socket
there were trains of doom
at the station
and a man with a silver harpoon did ask for your ticket
and if you didn't have one,the handcuffs clicked
and clacked and out-clocked
the time that made sense
There were houses in flames
and extended familys were just moving in
and the undead were asking the living:
"Where have you been,
i was worried sick,
now go ahead and die,
i want you at home before sundown kid!"
the tv's were glaring and swearing
"******* humanity, look what we found!
it is, yes, a heater and god the almighty, it went out!"
and evil thoughts went through your head
like swarms of bats
that flap their wings blindely
bounce of the walls
and fall
like leaves fall in fall
and only this one lonely boy, kept dribbling his basketball
in the schools abandoned gymnastic hall
getting his kicks from the imagened ghost cheerleader chicks
who were dumb, dead and gone
like weak old twiggs on a tree
when a heavy wind blows on
And the lions escaped from the local zoo
and were keen to know
what it would be like, to drink coffe from your cup
and take a bath inside your bathtub
and take your girlfriend to latest movie about cleopatra
in the next drive-in theatre
and the skip of a heartbeat was the longest unit to measure
and your in the mist of mystery lost love
was a grain of sand and even lesser
and you couldn't prove gravity
with the fall of an apple
it would float right up, explode
into razorblades that would settle
into the boiling water inside of your kettle
and the shocking shopping malls
were selling shock-collars and chopping knifes
and socks for the afterlife
And under your homes paranoid roof
you found goofs doing spoofs to proof
how bad you could rhyme
and they would always leave but never in time
the icecapes were melting like a single raindrop in hell
so that the turtles would jump right out of their shell
and fly like cannonballs that are as fast as no one could tell
and the bees were humming but only bluenotes
taking the honey and also your money
thinking it's funny
the highways were lowdown
and the deepsea was wadeable
and your one and only favorite thrill
would knock you right back and make you ill
your favorite song would disappear
in the cracks of your ceiling
and would leave you with only one feeling
none feeling
and your favorite word in your favorite sentence
of you favorite book
would jump right of your hook
ending up in the water
getting cought by a trout
that would finally end up inside a whales mouth
"why bother" you say to yourself, but you feel like a ghost
"why bother" you say
and those two words bother you the most
it was the heat of the moment
the beat of a fear that is still unexplained
that made the heater a mountain
of all that you dread
in your head, hands and heart
and now we shall part...

12:07 am

this is my first time writing since may. i dont really know what to write about. ive written about pain, ive written about guilt, ***, abuse, drugs. it seems thats all there is to be wrote about. i could write about love, but **** it thats so cliche and trust me ive tried it once and it turned out rotten.

i think this is a very bad time in my life. it feels as if rock bottom is one hill away. (lost all my friends, lost familys respect,cutting, getting fat(startingtostarve), snorting percs). ive thought ive been at rock bottom so many times. but every time i thought it, i realized theres more to come. (every overdose i exposed to mom)

but this time i think im farther down than that. im to the point that i realize dying is a bad option, but i can feel, as the seconds go by, it seems like the best. i know i thought about dying before, but never in this sense. ive never thought of it as a real option, ive always thought "yes, i will take these pills, but they will not **** me. i will get help after they see im suffering"

honestly, i dont want to overdose and end up back in the hospital. its a bore, a endless circle of routine. (take the pills, confess, hospital, pumped with fluids, drink the charcol, talk to doctors, pack my bags, long drive, 1 week stay)

but i dont want to die either. im terrifed of whats after death. (heaven/hell?, rot in the ground? come back a bear?) (worst scenario: stay on earth as a ghost, watch my loved ones suffer)

and i do realize there are people that love me, not many, but enough. and for some ****** up reason thats not stopping me from my selfishness. its not convincing me to let my darkness out.

im so confused about life and about who we are and what were suppoused to do and how everything ended up the way it did. im thinking too much nonsense, not thinking enough commonsense.

anyways, i guess ill keep living for now (probably keep cutting, keep snorting pills, and keep starving) and pray (towho???)that things get better