For as long as I can remember
My daddy doesn't cry.
Ridiculous, I know,
But I never saw a tear leave his eyes.
When his son got sent away,
My daddy didn't cry.
When he lost his job
Again and Again and Again
My daddy didn't cry.
When his brother died
My daddy didn't cry.
When we found out my siblings had autism
My daddy didn't cry.
When his sister in law died,
My daddy didn't cry.
When his mom died 26 hours later,
My daddy didn't cry.
But when my father realized that he was slowing losing me
When I had failed to tell him how much I loved him
He sat in the car
Tears shining in his eyes
And he begged me
He begged me to give him a second chance.
And as a single tear streamed down his face
I couldn't help but tear up myself
At the thought of all the miscommunication
All the fights and all the misunderstandings
For the first time in forever
I actually felt loved by father,
That first time
I saw my daddy cry.

Hey daddy,
can you hear me?
I miss you.
It has been a hard
Two years
without you.
I really miss you.
It is Fathers' Day tomorrow.
I remember the last
Fathers' Day
that you were alive--
I didn't greet you.
We had a fight
and I was the stubborn
selfish child.
I thought I was right.
But now, two years too late
I realize I was not.
I am sorry.
I miss you.
I miss your hearty laugh,
your warm hugs,
I miss you waking me up
by tickling my foot--
I remember being annoyed
when you wake me up that way.
What would I not give
to have you wake me up
again?
I miss you calling me
to eat breakfast
before going to school.
I miss you doing the laundry
even if I am a big girl
already.
I miss you.
I miss the days when you
would drive me to school
and fetch me at 5pm.
Back then I wished you wouldn't
so I could spend more time
with my then-boyfriend.
What would I not give, daddy,
to have you pick me up
from school
once again?
I miss your silly ways
of making noise
during New Year's Eve.
For the past two years daddy,
my New Years were quiet
silent
dead.
Like you.
The last New Year's eve
you were alive,
the New Year's eve
the year before you died
you were drunk
and I welcomed 2013
feeling so lonely
with mom in UAE
and you, on the couch
too passed out to wake up
amidst all the noise.
Somehow, I knew
the next New Years won't be the same
I didn't expect
that it would because
they would be spent without you.
I miss you telling me you love me
and all those kisses
that used to really annoy me.
I miss you.

I am sorry.
For being a failure.
For being a bad daughter.
Sorry if I chose that guy
that *******
over you.
Sorry that I didn't listen.
I thought I was right.
I had so much pride.
What would I not give, daddy,
to have you here right now?
I promise, this time I would choose
you.
I would choose
to listen.
I would choose
to love you.
I would choose
to swallow my pride.
I would choose...

I wish I could turn back time
love you a little better.
I'd go back further than the day you died.
I'd go back to the time
when our family was whole
I would do whatever it takes
to keep it that way.
So that you won't have to be a drunkard
because you have broken your heart.
I'd go back, daddy.
I would go back and fix you if I could.

I am turning 20 in three months now.
Remember your promise to me?
It is two years overdue daddy.
I turned 18 without you.
You promised...
You promised we would dance
with or without a party
you said you wouldn't miss the chance
to dance with me.
I was waiting daddy.
But you never visited me
not even in my dreams.
It has been two years daddy.
I wouldn't mind having a dance at 20.
What would I not give daddy?
What would I not give
to dance with you
one last time...
Like we did when I was 7.
Ironic because
you said not to choose
Dance With My Father
as a song to dance to
with you
because you are not dead yet.
But now you are.
And I miss you so much.

I love you daddy
I am sorry.

Daddy,
there's a someone on my window
his eyes are red
and his stare is deadly

Daddy,
he said you don't love me
he said he's going to **** me
it's not true, right, Daddy?

Daddy,
he brings a dagger
and he's about to get in
Help! Daddy! Help!

Daddy,
he's on my door
and he looks like you
Wait

Daddy,
is that you?

Daddy!!!

daddy, daddy,
I can't go to school

why darling,
what's wrong
with you?


I've got a runny nose,
daddy -
can't you see?
and my cheeks are blue
I just think
I've got the flu


but sweetheart,
you look
as fresh as the rose
outside your room;
and darling
your eyes glow
like sparklers in New Year


but daddy, daddy
hear me carefully:
my voice is hoarse;
don't you think
I sound like granny?


oh, OK darling -
you don't have to go to school;
though, today is the day we stop
for pancakes
before school
and we stop for
doughnuts after;
but that's all fine
if you're sick
just stay at home
and you can't have either


but daddy, daddy
I CAN go to school;
see my nose 's fixed itself now
and my voice is again
as clear as the school bell;
and just as you say
my face is as fresh as the rose
outside my room
and my eyes glow
like New Year sparklers:
so what are you waiting for, daddy?
put on your shoes
get your car keys
and let's GO!

And if the piano breaks it's because each time you kiss me it feels like I've taken a bullet to the brain.
Today, I looked into your eyes and saw nothing but forever.
I think that maybe, if you took my hand, we could fight infinity.

I've never believed in God, but ****, I think you're my religious awakening; THIS is a baptismal revival.
I think I was dead until the day we met- you give me life.
Whispers: "safe, safe, safe."
She strikes a key to play me out of tune.

What does she look like in the dark?
What do you wear when you're alone? (I wear the black pendulum)
Seastar, starfish, lover, oh how I'm suffocating on my anguish.
Convince me to forgive him, and then I will try and forgive myself for all that he has broken.
For the ***** nights, the rancid sheets, ten years of filth- it would take an eternity to scrub out my stains- ugly.
Whispers: "****, ****, ****."
Screams: "daddy please, daddy no, daddy no, stop it!"
It's hushed up by the sounds of the broken piano- the unforgiving black sacrament.

Steel and skin, forgiveness and pain.
You can only hide for so long; sleepmonger, deathmonger, counting sheep. When will these childhood nightmares end?! Oh.

So, 1, 2, 3, 4, who's that looming at my door?
5, 6, 7, 8, he calls it love, she calls it ****.
9, 10, 11, 12, he put her though ten years of hell.
13, 14, 15, 16, who could love her scars- so distinct?
17, 18, 19, 20, fall for me; so sick of running.

(a.m.) 05/05/14

Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
and he didn't leave much to Ma and me,
just this old guitar and a bottle of *****.
Now I don't blame him because he run and hid,
but the meanest thing that he ever did was
before he left he went and named me Sue.

Well, he must have thought it was quite a joke,
and it got lots of laughs from a lot of folks,
it seems I had to fight my whole life through.
Some gal would giggle and I'd get red
and some guy would laugh and I'd bust his head,
I tell you, life ain't easy for a boy named Sue.

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean.
My fist got hard and my wits got keen.
Roamed from town to town to hide my shame,
but I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
I'd search the ***** tonks and bars and ****
that man that gave me that awful name.

But it was Gatlinburg in mid July and I had
just hit town and my throat was dry.
I'd thought i'd stop and have myself a brew.
At an old saloon in a street of mud
and at a table dealing stud sat the *****,
mangy dog that named me Sue.

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad
from a worn-out picture that my mother had
and I knew the scar on his cheek and his evil eye.
He was big and bent and gray and old
and I looked at him and my blood ran cold,
and I said, "My name is Sue. How do you do?
Now you're gonna die." Yeah, that's what I told him.

Well, I hit him right between the eyes and he went down
but to my surprise he came up with a knife
and cut off a piece of my ear. But I busted a chair
right across his teeth. And we crashed through
the wall and into the street kicking and a-gouging
in the mud and the blood and the beer.

I tell you I've fought tougher men but I really can't remember when.
He kicked like a mule and bit like a crocodile.
I heard him laughin' and then I heard him cussin',
he went for his gun and I pulled mine first.
He stood there looking at me and I saw him smile.

And he said, "Son, this world is rough and if
a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
and I knew I wouldn't be there to help you along.
So I gave you that name and I said 'Goodbye'.
I knew you'd have to get tough or die. And it's
that name that helped to make you strong."

Yeah, he said, "Now you have just fought one
helluva fight, and I know you hate me and you've
got the right to **** me now and I wouldn't blame you
if you do. But you ought to thank me
before I die for the gravel in your guts and the spit
in your eye because I'm the nut that named you Sue."
Yeah, what could I do? What could I do?

I got all choked up and I threw down my gun,
called him pa and he called me a son,
and I came away with a different point of view
and I think about him now and then.
Every time I tried, every time I win and if I
ever have a son I think I am gonna name him
Bill or George - anything but Sue.

Grandpa sits in his favorite chair,
Spots his granddaughter and starts to stare,
Whips out his **** and starts to stroke,
He knows it’s his granddaughter he wants to poke,
Calls her over and says, “Pretty please.”
Come on granddaughter get on your knees,
She does as she’s told and ***** him with zest,
Because she knows ****** is best.

Uncle Roy decides to give it a whirl,
He likes to dress his nephew up as a girl,
Likes to see him in silk and lace,
Lipstick and makeup on his face,
Imagining him with heels on his feet,
As he sits there and starts to stroke his meat,
He’d love to put him to the test,
Because he knows ****** is best.

Mother decides to get in on the act,
Her and her son have a special pact,
While her husbands at work she gets in his bed,
Pulls down his pants and starts giving him head,
Son likes his mom dressed up in her lace,
As he shoots his load all over her face,
He knows his mom is better than the rest,
Because he knows ****** is best.

Sister and brother are a special pair,
It’s more than a last name these two share,
Brother Bill can’t believe his luck,
Having a sister that likes to ****,
Says, “Hey Sis, come on over here.”
As he bends her over and takes her rear,
Going at it like animals it becomes a real fuckfest,
Because they both know ****** is best.

Father can’t believe his daughter is so kind,
She’s on her knees as he takes her behind,
She moans and screams and starts to cry,
Says, “Hey Daddy, you’re my kind of guy.”
Daddy tells her ****** is the better way,
It’s a game the whole family can play,
Daddy treats his daughter like an honored guest,
Because they both know ****** is best.

11-27-09b.