In search of enlightenment
I stumble.

EMDR handled my childhood traumas,
Small pebbles can grow into landslides if not checked.

Buddha's mindfulness allowed for some insight,
But being aware of my behaviour does not always lead to course correction,
My personal OnStar can merely suggest direction,
As I am only a passenger on this ride.

I am left strained.
I can see the road
And the beautiful sun set.
I can feel you beside me,
But I do not trust,
I fear
If I look too closely
I will find you gone.

And so I continue
My search for enlightenment,
My lasting hope is
When this journey ends
I will find you there.

its been two years  and i still cant hear your name, or see a mini cooper or listen to blond by frank ocean without feeling my chest implode
but now, maybe i can start to rebuild the house in my chest, with all the fragile pieces of the worn out frame of my body,
maybe now i can listen to pink and white and nights and seigfried without hearing your voice collide with mine as we sang along
one tap at a time
i will learn to live without you on my mind

Fight or flight
That was my plight
Distracted driver
Temporarily took my power
Praying for sleep
Counting the sheep
It’s like treading water in the deep
Can I keep pushing through?
Not sure quite what to do

Visions of chrome grills
Drenched with chills
Flashback night
Nightmare day
Will this ever go away?

EMDR
Got back to driving the car
Taking buspar
Have I come that far?

One foot in front of the other
A daily mantra loaned by my brother
It’s important to only focus on today
It’s all we have, wise people say

Life is an ongoing journey
So very grateful for His mercy
I continue to battle and refuse to cower
After all, I’ve learned I’m no fragile flower

i am tired of feeling this way
& tired in general,
wondering if this new therapy will really help me
and if i process these memories what happens when I experience more?
because I will experience more.
I have a habit of being left behind.
the vibrations switch from hand to hand.
she says I might dream about it –
I don't wanna dream about it –
I don't wanna think about it –
don't wanna feel it.
I don't wanna feel it anymore.

I thought it was mean, but I guess it was true
He burned down the bridge, but claimed it was you
I still recall, the blurred window view,
Aching and frozen, with nothing to do.

I wasn't battered; not beat black and blue,
But I cried out your name after it was through.
He smirked as he joked; said you'd laugh if you knew
That I had been used by not one man, but two.

I'm never plastic, but melt in the flames
I'm tired of crying, and tired of games.
I don't want pancakes at 3am,
I don't want to hold your hand.

I wasn't battered; not beat black and blue,
But I cried out your name after it was through.
He smirked as he joked; said you'd laugh if you knew
That I had been used by not one man, but two.

You can pretend that I've lied, so you like who you are
But I'm gonna have my first taste of EMDR.
You can go put those improv skills to good use,
Or you can listen to the email I sent, is that enough proof?

I wasn't battered; not beat black and blue,
But I cried out your name after it was through.
He smirked as he joked; said you'd laugh if you knew
That I had been used by not one man, but two.

Think I want power? As if I need a crown.
You called me a monster, you made me a clown.
So thanks for the comic, but no comments please.
The real plague was you, and I'm sick of disease.

A therapist
She is my medalist
She helps me to cope
And not just wash it off with soap
She makes me learn and understand
Even if I stand there bland
She pushes and pushes
Sometimes I only see bushes
But then there comes the light
And I can see a sight
A little bit of a positive future
And not  just a suture.
This therapist is amazing
Sometimes she makes me dazing
For EMDR so it calls
I feel like dolls
But that is fine
Because I get the sign
It is helping me tremendously
And it is so helpfully
Her name is Angela
But I would like her even if she would be a Pamela
She is my therapist
And she is my gold star medalist!

I started a new kind of therapy yesterday.
EMDR,
Trauma therapy.

I didn't even realise I had PTSD until I read the emergency referral form.

and when the therapist asked me to tell her about my safe place - real or imagined - how could I say it was within the arms of a girl I chose to say goodbye to?