every summer, your freckles come out like a broad Irish galaxy.
the planets are summer days that I wish I could waste with you.
and there is a star for every single dance I wish I'd have had with you.
an asteroid belt of insults and haphazard tweets.
but I slide on, a lonely astronaut,
skimming your freckled universe.

I want to tie a string around every one of your fingers and appendages, and perhaps dangle you over the edge of the galaxy just so you'll know what it was like to experience very real and very pure heartbreak.

I'd grasp onto your soul so hard your being started to disintegrate and the atoms of the space around you gathered to push you into a space-time continuum to follow my voice while I walk you through the void, the darkness I went through when you said that last farewell and didn't consider the prison you'd incarcerated me in.

It was as if you'd trapped my soul into passing showers of rainclouds, and you took them with you as you left. I’d drilled your last lovelorn letters to me into a hole in the walls I put up to protect my raw, aching heart from anymore of the tragedy you have caused me. I don’t know if you’d realized your mistake but you never came back. You were lost in the wind, a novel of sweet nothings flung about by moving air and I never saw you since.


You are nothing more than burnt love letters and apologies I whisper every night unknowingly to the empty darkness beside me.


I like to paint your silhouette onto the trees I hug and imagine your shadow as I sleep under the stars because that gave me back some, if not most, of my sanity for a while. Don't you understand how you keep me alive and soulful and willing to continue living?

I breathe the fresh air hoping to get a whiff of you, floating about in the very wind that took you away.


(seastarred)

Happiness. A 9-letter word. How does one begin to describe the emotion they’ve never really got to know, amongst other things like hurt, confusion and utter heartbreak?

It was by the smile lines on her face, the way her skin glowed and reflected sunbeams when she took the perfect photo of a beautiful landscape.

When she doesn’t have any recollection of her half-burnt, tear-stained journals that still had residue from her last overdose.

When she forgot about how she took a blade to her fragile skin to carve your name into them, and then weep about your leaving afterwards.

She writes about optimism and love again, because she is over everything that had ever ruined her life.

She takes her dog for walks in the park, and notices how every flap of a butterfly going through the air from one flower to another seemed to coincide with the beats of her heart, which beat more consistently and powerfully than ever before.

She notices all the little details she missed before, like how lines of dust moved whenever certain objects were misplaced, or the morning calls of the birds in her neighbor’s bird bath.

She is so much more euphoric than before, so don’t break her again.


(seastarred)

You enticed me with a voice like sugar, slowly coating every corner of my mind. Seduced i was by the movements of your body like waves on the ocean. You bound me with hair like snakes of fire crawling their way through my soul. You Keep me happy with the joy that I feel whenever you laugh or are having fun. You stole my heart and were the gentlest Person in the history of the world with it. You Drew me in with your locks of red and bosoms aplenty. While we were in Agressive relations the entire world seemed to dissapear other than me and you for 10 minutes to 5 hours plus. You consumed me mind, body and soul and i tried to consume you mind, body and soul. Then when we were all done i felt like it was my fault but i realize it was you just spreading your wings to go consume another never killing only draining. Always remaining with a chunk of my heart and I with yours. We will forever be a part of each other and i will always love you. Besides the stars say it and so shall it be.

and the country she still grows;
vertical, nocturnal,
imprints of the west, traditions in the east
her shores kissing the south china sea.

dad would return smelling of nicotine and smoke,
the streets a permanent stain in his sandpaper skin.
i have been taught to sing in place of speaking;
spouting symphonies, instead of plain words.

in summer the water and ocean calls
chlorine and salt seeping into every pore;
i watched sunlight penetrate the depths,
shimmering; tried to bathe in the warmth i saw.

in winter, mom named us dragons
breathing ice in place of fire; cloud breaths, frosted glass.
rainbows formed our skyline, the buildings iridescent
in those days, santa still waved from the windows.

first drink at four and coffee from seven
we ran and still run -
red lights for the sake of races.
the law was a sewing my father calmly weaved through
tradition, he called it. i grew up in the town he did too.

i am a child of the harbour and sea
the wind in my hair, hands in the breeze
family and city unorthodox, belonging;
the pulse of my heart.

(A.H.Z)

26/1/14
I was burning the midnight oil. There was not a candle in front of me. Just lights that never wavered. I was wondering what the night might hold. I heard the clock and chimes as the cold wind blew into my house. The bells belonged to my neighbours. I did not sleep a wink that night.

27/1/14
I don't remember what happened two days ago, but I was glad my mind was too tired to overthink. I fell asleep early that night to music I liked.

28/1/14
I had the urge to destroy myself in the evening but a friend brought a smile to my face just in time. She didn't know. I don't know if I was grateful that she foiled my plans. I thought that the worst place to ever be was between ok and not ok. Sometimes I don't know who I am anymore.  Sometimes I feel accomplished just by deciding which way to walk so I wouldn't run into the person walking in front of me. Sometimes I rather not have a family and I can't recall the reason why. I hate the me I do not know, my mind is revolting. I am in this by myself, no one is as hateful as me. I lose my thoughts a lot because my mind never stops running and searching for the scattered pieces. I don't fancy the idea that being emotionally unstable is now a personality trait. I used to show my anger to everyone but not anymore. I just want to be alone and write and write and write and write. Funny how a week ago I was too numb to feel a thing. I couldn't feel and I couldn't write and I did not feel alive. Then there's a sudden realisation that there is so many people around me, I do not fancy this idea. I did not have the intention to get better. I still watch everyone like a hawk, and I realised sadness makes you forget things. I was late for school today. I promised a teacher I will never be late again. I hope I keep my promise.

It's night time now and I am thinking about how I used to wonder how it will feel to step out onto the road and crash head on headlights. I travelled to an old friend's house to lend her a chemistry textbook. She still sounds the same and I missed how we used to laugh together. I passed by the market and remembered how my mum used to prop groceries in the pram and leave me to my own tiny feet. I forgot if I preferred walking, or my mum pushing me on the wheels. I remember how I wanted to leave this place, now I am just afraid I might have nothing to look back on. Sometimes when it rains, I want to go outside. I haven't been out getting close and getting hurt and I wonder if that's a good thing. I have thoughts that replaced regrets and devastation, but it still leads to nowhere. I was thinking, maybe I've suffered long enough to know that things will be okay.

29/1/14
It's been a few days and I still do not know whether to eat blueberries or strawberries. I did not notice the sidewalk cracking. I wonder if I have recovered because I am back to where I started. If you insist,  label me as someone who was too "lazy" to get better. They say to never let anything be your happiness because they can be taken away, but I don't think I ever knew what makes me happy. My dad finally got a sofa today but I liked the feeling of my back against the ground. I get affected so easily, little things change me and I can't recall a time I was ever me. I'm not sure how long I will stay awake tonight. I realised you don't always need a knife to- I am indefinite.

Did you notice me standing on the sidewalk a little ways from the both of you? I don't know if it was a dream but I remember slicing a part of my arm to let my crimson blood drip onto the ground to mix with precipitation and flow into the sewers to feel something, to feel confirmation that it was only a dream. I felt the pain, saw the blood and still you were there, intertwined around her like ribbon around a gift. I think of the times when you showed up right outside my door, looking desperate and deprived, and I still catered to your every need even though a little voice in my head screamed STOP HE'S USING YOU as it cut into my nerves and shook my conscience. Yet I broke all the rules for you, committing modern day badass-ery. And even now I question you on whether you would break your clock and volunteer time you didn't have for me. You wouldn't, I think, you didn't even speak to me and you answer awkwardly, like snakes were choking you and constricting your windpipe and as if acid were burning your larynx to the point of muting you when I did. I stopped questioning you and let you be for a very long while even though the little voice protested that I should think for myself. You seeing me started becoming a privilege because you only showed up once in a while to lock lips and embrace me. I don't remember a single day where all we did was just get ice-creams and chill somewhere with the company of only each other.

I was used and boy is it emphasized as you stand a little ways from me, wrapped around her.

I see you kissing her like how you kissed me, putting your arms around her like how you did me. But will she ever know how the love I had for you engulfed you in a dark shadow, stretching to the galaxies beyond and appealing to the moon for it's blessing? I knew, from that moment on, that loving you is mistake I will never make again. Even if I'm breaking down at 2 am suppers, consuming yogurt by the tub and pulling all of my hair out because of that one kiss I saw you share with someone I trusted, I will never tear my heart in two ever again just to share a piece with you for I know you won't care for it. Don't burn me with the memories we had since I have set them on fire the moment I saw you and her.

But I don't have the strength to keep myself standing upright as I stand a little ways from you wrapped around her, and I crumble to the ground, shattering into ash...

(lunarlullubies)

I didn't mean to bother you.
I know you're busy.
And as it turns out,
I'm bad at apologies.
So here's a poem:

Rose are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm also bad at rhyming,
So here's a Haiku:

Haiku's aren't easy.
So I'm having some trouble.
How about a song:

This is a song without music
So it's not very good
But you should know
That I'm sorry
Hey, Hey,
I'm sorry for bothering you
Hey, Hey,
Maybe I should try a Limerick instead:

There once was a guy named Dan
He had just eaten some ham
He tried to write stories
To say he was sorry
But everything he wrote was bland

Alright, so maybe the Limerick thing didn't work out either
.
.
.
Hmmmmmmm
.
.
.
Oh!  Oh!  How about an epic story!?
                                                         ­                                           (But you just said you were bad at those)
It was a dark and stormy night.
                                                        ­                                                                 ­          (Come on, that's lame)
SHUT UP, BRAIN.  I'M TRYING TO MAKE THIS APOLOGY CUTE.
.
.
.
Ahem
.
.
.
So there we were, alone out on the battlefield.  A single hawk circled above.
"I don't know how much more of this heat I can take," you told me.
We continued walking when suddenly, a giant tiger with teeth as sharp as a knives jumped out in front of us!
"Why is there a tiger in this desert!" you screamed in horror.
"Don't question the plotline!" I yelled raising my sword.
The tiger leaped at me with all its might.
"I'll protect you, my dear!"
I dodged left; sword still at the ready.  The tiger turned around slowly, his dark eyes burning into my soul.  What could I possibly do to defeat this huge beast?  The tiger jumped again, but this time I was ready.  I ran at him and slid onto my knees.  As the tiger lept over me I thrusted my sword upwards into its stomach, killing it instantly.
We had survived the attack, went to find shelter, and lived happily ever after.  The End

Long story short:  I'm bad at saying sorry, I don't know what that story had to do with saying sorry, and I hope this made you laugh a little.  It certainly made me feel better writing it.

This Thanksgiving, I'm happy you're back in my life.  :)

Peace.