How do I know
Where I’m going
If I can only see
So far ahead of me
I’m just riding this train
Into life, and as I go
I’m wondering what’s
The point in it all
I’m stuck, confused
These faces blur past me
And I try to decipher
Which ones will save me
The past the present,
The unacquainted future
In life there really is
Nothing for certain
We will never know,
The reasons why
Our answers
Seem tongue tied
Our curiosity
Never dissolved
This puzzle
Forever unsolved
But when I close my eyes
I can almost see
That flurry of hope
You’ve planted in me
That things will get better
That one of these days
My head will clear
I’ll escape this haze
And for that, my dear
I have to thank you
For giving me the lenses
I’d never quite looked through

Beneath my laughs
She saw my tears
Then I look back
And she disappears
She had chiseled her name
Into my bones
Then left me astray

I am alone

How do I know
Where I’m going
If I can only see
So far ahead of me
I’m just riding this train
Into life, and as I go
I’m wondering what’s
The point in it all
I’m stuck, confused
These faces blur past me
And I try to decipher
Which ones will save me
The past the present,
The unacquainted future
In life there really is
Nothing for certain
We will never know,
The reasons why
Our answers
Seem tongue tied
Our curiosity
Never dissolved
This puzzle
Forever unsolved
But when I close my eyes
I can almost see
That flurry of hope
You’ve planted in me
That things will get better
That one of these days
My head will clear
I’ll escape this haze
And for that, my dear
I have to thank you
For giving me the lenses
I’d never quite looked through

His fingertips brush the heat on my cheeks
His knowing smile- my lip between my teeth
Those darkened eyes that bore into me
I shiver at his touch, craving release
His fingers travel along my skin
So close to that which needs attention
But he toys with me, with that evil grin
His fingers straying anywhere but within
I’m not a fool- I know what he seeks
This game he plays to force me weak
Making me shake and whimper and weep
So desperate for that oh so sweet release
And I know the moment when he wins
The moment he plunges his fingers in
How I cry out and the convulses begin
Claiming me completely his

The words that you say
Burn into my heart
The meanings I portray
Break me apart
Exposing the pieces of me
I’d rather no one see
But when you tell me its OK
That I’ll be just fine
All I want
Is to call you mine
Because you understand
You don’t judge me
All that you see
Is the beauty within me

You're the warmth in my cheeks
And the skip in my heart
The shake in my knees
You break me apart
These walls that I’ve built
With care and precision
Crumble at your will
Unguarded emotion
With you, I can't breathe
But I don't really mind
The burn in my lungs
Tells me I’m alive
I’ll give you the world
If you give me peace
Just hold me tight
And fall down with me

This is crazy
How could this be?
That I have found someone
That truly understands me?
This new drug
The happiness you have brought
And what of our future?
My heart flutters at the thought
You ignite this fire
Inside me, I can't explain
You have a hold on me
**** you drive me insane
Your words, they take me
To a whole new time
Back when things were easy
This feeling, divine
Life may be confusing
But one thing is true
My smile will remain
As long as I have you
So let’s take on this world
Your hand in mine
Together, we’ll make it
One step at a time

It seems that I’m lost in a field of clouds
Am I reaching for the stars or crashing down?
These thoughts and this shame
Ricochet through my brain
How do I leave the one thing
That brings a smile to my face?
You told me this was forever
An endless journey we’d endeavor
But I notice the cracks in your words
The spark in your eyes I’d been blind to before
I was distracted by your beautiful demeanor
Lost in your smiles and heartwarming laughter
You look through my eyes and say you love me so
But now I see through your lies, so I must let you go

The feathery touch of brush to paper
Lets me forget your nagging whispers
The colors slide down and drip
Letting go of what I miss
The inky black and blood-red paint
Remind me why I ignore your shapes
You are the puzzle I’m refusing to solve
So like paint into water, I let you dissolve

Entangled with you
This brand new chapter
My home, my prison
My lover, my captor
Our hearts beating in sink
But mine breaks and it creaks
And I've long since forgot
Which way is up
We are all that is
Hands, skin and blood
Fear is my favorite
Four letter word
If you don't count the one
My eyes tend to blur
You're a thirst I can't quench
A salt-water filled trench
I’m inhaling your touch
But it's never enough
Whenever I miss you
I am nothing but splinters
I try to breathe you in again
But my lungs have withered
Our sky has cracked
Thin lines of black
From space, but no stars
Can squeeze through our scars
So we drown in our sins
As the dark flows in

You rule this kingdom, releasing the blight
Calling on death and destruction of life
You send your demons while we sleep
Ignorance blinding you to our schemes
Lazy, you call your dogs for ***** work
Not knowing where your allies will soon turn
For while you're sprawled upon your throne
Death is just outside your door
So let me just ask, before I slit your throat
Was your empty power worth being alone?

You'll pick me up at seven to our perfect garden house
Butterflies and ladybugs will scurry in and out
We dance about the mossy cracks to plant our seedless love
We roll around our ***** floor covered in pixie dust
We know the neighbors will complain of nightly locust sounds
But we just keep on grinning in our perfect garden house
We hang our flowered frames on textured tree trunk walls
Staring at our portraits we are not invisible
We snuggle under lily pads and kiss beneath the sun
A smile on your lips because we don’t have to run
We fall away together because we cannot do without
We live and sing and shine inside our perfect garden house

Beneath my laughs
She saw my tears
Then I look back
And she disappears
She had chiseled her name
Into my bones
Then left me astray

I am alone

I’m toppling over the lies that you pave
Saying you’ll change but its all the same
You tell me its love, no it hate
In the worse way
I have to decide
Whether I need to escape
Or maybe I should hide
But I cant say Im blind
To the reasons why
I know that youre struggling deep inside
But I’m out of time
Im out of cries
Youre like a drop of dye
Into water
Once I let you in
I cant get you out again
I can never win
But I keep raising my chin
Because I know I cant dwell
On whatever this is
As far as i can tell
You only bring me hell
My body is a product
Being sold on a shelf
Struggling with the things I’ve been told
Untangling the lies they wove
Reaching for the ceiling
I cant tell what I’m feeling
Confused and bleeding
I’m searching for what you call
Positivity
I’m ready to fall
I’m breaking through walls
To finally find
That I am enough

Ink runs down my chin
Once its left my lips
It drips and drips
To my fingertips
So I write on a slab
The story of my past
Letters in black
What I’ve been holding back
Once I’m finished
And I’ve used up all language
I take a step back
To see what I did
But it's illiterate
Blobs of nonsense
Is this all that I am
Something no one will understand?
In anger and frustration
I try smearing what makes me a person
But the ink is dry
I cant hide
From who I am
All that I can do
Is add more and more
Till my hands are shaking
And there is new ink in the making
So that instead of black blobs of nothing
I can create colors of wonder and lightning
So that on this slab
I mirrored myself and my past
So that I can come back
To the moment I found who I am

I know I’ve grown
But its not perfect
Im certain
I’m used to hiding behind curtains
Is this all worth it?
Can I maintain a positive mind?
Can I shy away from what's beneath?
What I hide behind my reddened cheeks
The ice is cold beneath my feet
What if I fall, the sun out of my reach?
The weather is warming
I'm about to go back
I’ll be happy to go,
But what if it's a trap?
I’m scared I’ll relapse
Can I shield myself,
Or will the knife pierce my back?
I keep writing and writing
Hoping I’ll express how I’m feeling
But my words fall short
This fear is stealing
my heart from whats healing
What happens if I slip?
Will I get up after I trip?
Can I take what I’ve learned
To grow from mistakes
Can I hold myself together
Will I be able to stay safe?

It seems that I’m lost in a field of clouds
Am I reaching for the stars or crashing down?
These thoughts and this shame
Ricochet through my brain
How do I leave the one thing
That brings a smile to my face?
You told me this was forever
An endless journey we’d endeavor
But I notice the cracks in your words
The spark in your eyes I’d been blind to before
I was distracted by your beautiful demeanor
Lost in your smiles and heartwarming laughter
You look through my eyes and say you love me so
But now I see through your lies, so I must let you go

We mourn  
We cry
Try and mend
These lies
Our love, uncertain
Unstable
We waver
Were trapped
In this cycle
Disconsolate
We lose our grip
Our stories
Once told
Now crumble
As we unfold
Our secrets
And regrets
They haunt us
We can't forget
This pain
This torment
It breaks us
Till we’re nothing
But fragments
Left to burn
There is no cure
We just have to let
The pieces fall
And watch our mistakes
Bury us all

Underneath your plastered smile
I see your broken past
You walk around like nothings wrong
A calm, perfected act
But in your eyes
I can see the pain
The sadness and hurt
Your abuse and rage
So please stop hiding
I am here for you
You don't have to go it alone
I’ll help you make it through
Don't be afraid to hurt me
I’m already hurt
Just tell me what he did to you
So in my heart, he’ll burn
Come to me, so we can talk
Receive the help you haven't sought
So I can tell you there’s no need to be sorry
What he did to you was not your fault

The wind kisses my sun-red cheeks
Tiny sand pebbles tickle my feet
Droplets of sweat develop in sheets
Close my eyes and soak up the heat
The laughter of children fills my ears
The roar of waves washing away my fears
I take a breath, a smile tugs on my lips
Not future, no past, there is only this

We mourn  
We cry
Try and mend
These lies
Our love, uncertain
Unstable
We waver
Were trapped
In this cycle
Disconsolate
We lose our grip
Our stories
Once told
Now crumble
As we unfold
Our secrets
And regrets
They haunt us
We can't forget
This pain
This torment
It breaks us
Till we’re nothing
But fragments
Left to burn
There is no cure
We just have to let
The pieces fall
And watch our mistakes
Bury us all

Soundlessly I creep
Into your head
Tiptoe around
Your secrets and dread
I knock upon
Your door of lies
Turn the ****
To peek inside
A humorless laugh
Escapes my lips
How had I known
The secrets you kept
I slam the door
Let my anger rage
Knowing it’d cause
An aching migraine
But it can’t compare
To the hate I feel
Just a manikin of clothes
For you to peel
I’m done with you
And you’re hurtful tricks
You are nothing to me
You *******

Her eyes wonder and fade
Hands clenching at her shirt, her legs, her arms
She feels his gaze bore into her heart
Her skin crawls
She tries to hide within herself
Shrinking down into her chair
But his stare creeps through her eyelids
And stabs at her brain
Her stability stumbles and wavers on the ledge
Then comes the ear piercing sound of his step forward
Her sanity cracks and crumbles in the wake

I’m having trouble thinking
My heart won't quiet down
This pounding in my chest -
Such disorienting sounds
Was a simpleminded heartache
Far too much to ask?
I’m searching for an answer
But still I can't look back
Emotions war within me
Each fighting to the top
Concerns for his health
Blurring my own thoughts
Then there’s my self esteem
This pattern I’ve not broken
It seems that I’m not much
Just a body and a trojan
I know that I can’t dwell
On anything they think
My opinion is what matters
But it’s getting harder not to sink
Creating needed boundaries
Is the next important step
It’s harder than I thought
But I'm doing my best

How the hell am i supposed to hold on
When there is nothing for me to hold?

How did I fall into the trap of yesterday?
I try to deter my thoughts but they won't go astray
I'm locked in the past, I try to escape
To claw my way out, but my efforts go to waste
The tears that endlessly fall down my cheeks
Create valleys of ones I love but can't keep
I'm fighting and screaming at my mind to leave
I can no longer stand this deadly disease

What if I fell?
What if I fell and never stopped?
Could I fall through time
Could I exist only within myself?
Then what would happen if I did stop?
Suspended in midair,
Would I find beauty or worthlessness?
Would I find life within my reach
Right then and there?
Or would I see that everything is nothing
That I am, yet I am not.
Am I trapped inside my skin?
Am I trapped in a prosthetic body,
A prosthetic society?
If I lay on the ground
And took a breath
Would the world breathe with me?
Could I become a piece of nature
Could I just simply be?
Why do I search for pointless meanings?
If I found the answers, would I be happy
Or even more alone?
Whys and what ifs cloud my head
The haze is a gentle push
To be more than it is that I am
I feel nothing, yet I feel every little thing
Why won't I accept?
Why do I swim in possibilities
That pull me back and forth?
Dancing around in numbness
Yet emotions sit right next to me
Entertaining the idea
That this is all that's left

You're the warmth in my cheeks
And the skip in my heart
The shake in my knees
You break me apart
These walls that I’ve built
With care and precision
Crumble at your will
Unguarded emotion
With you, I can't breathe
But I don't really mind
The burn in my lungs
Tells me I’m alive
I’ll give you the world
If you give me peace
Just hold me tight
And fall down with me

(inspired my Get Scared lyrics)
Cold white walls
Keep me from my pad and pen
Searching for my innocence
I cant believe its half this hard
To escape this blinding dark
But this is what it takes to breathe
Searching for the truth underneath
I cannot change what they see
The glass is breaking beneath my feet
All my life I’ve been underwater
Sounds and light, a distant blur
But i will myself to look for the surface
Because I’m ready now to leave my depression
I know that my pain may always exist
But now I know ways to let people in
To let down my guard and except happiness

I am folding in on myself
I don't think anyone can help
Trapping my own sadness within
All I'm left with is self destruction
The light within me is fading
I can feel the happy slipping
The black is creeping around the edges
My vision cascades into darkness
I tiptoe around the uncertainty
These heavy thoughts weighing on me
I am sculpting this agony
Into careful addictions
My mind is spinning
In life's contradictions
I want to let go
I want to let go