Why do I place
My self worth
Into others
Blindly trusting them
With my heart and my soul
My faith in others.
I live for the high
Of the value and trust
They give to me
Their priority
The feeling of being needed
Appreciated
But this isn't a gift
Instead a loan
That is cruelly ripped away
Given to someone else.
Leaving me low
As if after a sugar boost
A false sense of energy or fulfilment
Grasping and snatching
Scraping
Like an addict
Desperate for the scraps
Trapped in self loathing
Disgust
Until I can place my worth
In another disappointment.

are you proud to carry your father's name?
the weight of all your family sitting at the end of your title.

do you whisper it to yourself as you look in the mirror? do you search out his face in yours?
do you find the man that you remember? or do you find that man who still walks the earth?

people always tell you
"you have your father's eyes"
but even with his eyes you can't seem to find any part of him in you. except for his name.
stapled onto yours.

i watch each act
you're putting on
i clap at intermission

but i can see right through
your costume
yes i can truly listen

with every laugh
you belt out
i hear you loud and clear

while the rest of
the whole audience roars
in your skin you shake with fear

you've put on this show
too often
not enough rest between nights

that you and i both know now
you're imprisoned by the
spotlights.

my spine a garden trellis
waiting for new growth.

every spring anticipating
every season. slumbering.
waiting.

wishing for the next new blossoms
the next new gorgeous flower

to climb, and Climb, and CLIMB
interweaving in each vertebrae.

And in the end,
It didn't matter,
How much I love you,
How much you love me,
Heck it didn't even matter how I love you,
Or how you love me,
You're fighting your battles,
I'm playing with my demons,
And it doesn't matter how much I want to throw it all away,
to hold you close,
You are an unyielding force,
I'm a relentless addict,
And in the end,
Nobody wins

what is in between your legs?
honeysuckle and heavy cream?




can i have a taste?

I have come to live my life out loud.
And in joyous celebration.  
Amidst the noise and squalor,
I will see the beauty in every day.
And the eyes that know longing.
The hearts that hurt.
I will not cower among the wounded.
I will not wilt and hide as the sun scorches me.
I will stand up for sunshine.
And rainbows.
And dreams.
And children playing.
And acts of kindness, charity and love.
And dogs cuddled by fireplaces
And cats purring on a lap.
And brave people.
And those who need love.
And rolling down grassy hills and splashing in pools
I bow down to people who take risks and people who care.
And I will shout from the rooftops that life is good.

They said
    "there's no one else here, so we'll use you"
but even after
  hair and makeup,
they snapped 3 pics
        and refused "no more"
for even when there are no other options,
  I am still not good enough.