There are no words
To describe the pain.

This is therefore the end of my poem.

It was the summer of us.
Dumb decisions
We needed to learn from
Drunken nights
We barely remember
Life seemed simple
But the impending future
Glared at us with icy eyes
We tried to grasp every moment
Spend time with each other
Meaningless arguments
Deep discussions
Hidden loves
Because the fear of leaving
We knew no attraction would ever work
Some friends we have lost
We know the ending
We'll all lose touch eventually
What was the point behind all those years?
Fighting our way to the top
Only to be back on the bottom
The fear was deep within us
Make new friends
Make a new life
We were afraid to leave each other
Came to know each others tendencies
The most common phrase being
Let's make sure we keep in touch
We all know that's a lie.
Kisses behind barns
And parties in pastures
We know some will never leave this town
But we pretend to know our own futures
We all talk about out different paths
Our fears
Our hidden excitement
We really don't want to leave,
But we really really do.
Our goodbyes are coming
And we'll all cry when they do
But for now let's just pretend
We're all happy in our uncomplicated lives
Because we know our new lives begin
When we separate from each other
So let's be dumb
Stay up too late with some whiskey
Just talk about our fears
Because we are in the same boat
Live a little and have some flings
Let's make some bad decisions
Because this is our last summer
Before our lives begin,
And we want to remember it.

The love song I lost
The notes erased by cold words
The heart beats I couldn't control
The harmony that couldn't harmonise
The warmth that hit a pause
The keys that were never heard
The emotions I never pushed play for
And the simple words I can never say

We've written you to immortality
among the stars in dark skies
trasncending life and death
despite giving us affliction
towards our one sided affection.

Look at us all write
to the Saints who ignore us
kneeling at the back of their altar
pleading to be heard of.

We don't mind the sadness and longing
you keep us sane, keep us writing.
Musing to our muses,
we adore the inspiration.

Look at us all writing
despite the fact they won't be reading.
Demonstrating our devotion
through our humble emotion.

Because when only one person in the world
understands you and cares about you
you will do anything and everything for them.

people tell me i’m
lucky because at least i lost
him knowing that he
loved me, at least it wasn’t as painful as a
breakup. if this isn’t
pain then please tell me words for this swallowing
wound in the middle of my
chest, explain how i can’t find my own
hands even in broad
daylight and every time i think i
see him around our
house i know to take it as a
sign that i need to call my shrink back up, tell her
about the ghost at the core of my
life.

i can still feel his
hands in mine, long pianist man
fingers and encompassing
palms, wide open like a
map soaked in
blood.

he was so long
gone by the time that they
found him, his own fragile
mother couldn’t identify the
body, i was the only
one who knew how my hands were supposed to fit his
hips, the only good part of him
left.

my doctor tells me that i’ve passed the threshold for
grief, this isn’t healthy, she
tells me. how am i expected to know the meaning of that
word when the only thing i can
explain is the incessant ringing in my
ear, the sound of the
bullet that went farther than i ever
dared.

we were supposed to get
married, he just didn’t have the
money, but he gave me everything else off his very own
back. at night i stay up repeating the names of the
children we were going to
have, all three of
them. now they seem like more of an
insult to the holy
trinity.

god, how did you feel when satan
fell? i demand you on your
knees, begging me to
believe in you again. do you know how it feels to be in love with a
ghost?

once a boy called me for three hours just to talk about my favourite
movie. i never said i
loved him. like everything
else, winter murdered whatever we
had and the next
summer was very
foreign. once a boy loved
me and never told
me. the last night he walked away from my
porch i pictured him as a cloud of
tears, as a white
flag. once i loved a
boy and when i told him, he said ‘i
know.’ my best friend tells me i’m good at making
fists. i try to find
god in vintage wallpaper and downtown
bars, sitting so
long that my ears flood with the signal
notes of a lonely man’s
saxophone. here, you can smell cemeteries and
playgrounds on the same
street. here,
boys never love you
back. once, i broke a rock in my bare
hand. once, a boy i hardly ever
talked to told me that i was a good
poet in the way i explained
things and asked me please not to become a
dead one. i didn’t know what i
meant when i told him i’d
try. once i loved a boy so full of
anger that his god begged him for
mercy. i think i almost
loved a boy once.

I'd like to be lovely to you, again
I'd like to matter to you again
I'd really like to receive flirty texts from you again
I'd really like to be the girl you tell your friends about again
But you've changed
And I hate your friends
I'm no lovely, you were lying
And as pretty as the lie was, I'm done with your lies
The truth is, I never really mattered to you
Girls don't matter to you, you play us like we can't be hurt
I don't even want to matter to you, because you're messed up dude
You're a liar, and a cheater, and faker, and an *******
You are fake sorry, fake understanding, fake trustworthy, fake caring,
You are fake.
I don't need your ****
I have enough of my own
I really believe, by the end of this year, I can be happy again
Like I was two years ago
And the only real way for me to achieve that
Is to not get mixed up with you again.
I'm not tangling my emotions in your words
The truth is
I WILL NEVER BE HER
So don't waste my time
Stop texting me
Stop telling me you're sorry, you're lying
Stop pretending you knew me
And stop believing me when I say I'm fine
Goodbye.
Just know, I don't have a particularly high opinion of myself
But that being said,
even though I'll never be her
*She will never be me