Next time I'm going to be honest
About my past.
I don't want a hit it & quit it
I want something that's gonna last.
Next time I'm taking charge
Not trying to hesitate
I'm not going to procrastinate.
I'm going to give her my all
I just hope she reciprocates.
Next time I'm going
To put my love on display.
I'm going to insist that we make time for
God & church
& each night before bed we pray.
Next time they'll be so much passion
Hugging, kissing & more.
They'll be no doubt in her mind
It's her I adore.
Next time will be a new day
I've learned from my past mistakes.
I can't put myself through
Anymore of these heartbreaks.
Next time I will be a better man
I'll give her all of me.
She'll have no doubts of my intentions
My heart will be there for her to see.
Next time if I need her
I won't be afraid to speak.
I'll be bold about what I want
I will never again be meek.
Next time
Next time
Next time
Too bad I didn't do these things Last Time.

I feel like my demons PREY
They hunt me all the time.
When I feel their presence
I PRAY to ease my mind.
I feel like my ex's PREY
When she keeps away my kids to hurt me.
I PRAY to my Jehovah
That my children would never desert me.
I feel like PREY
When my when my enemies, spit in my face.
I PRAY to learn forgiveness
So I could stay, in God's good grace.
When I feel like the world is against me
& I feel like everyone's PREY
I just get on my knees
Close my eyes
& PRAY those thoughts away.

The suicide attempts
The anger, the self pity
Had my mind so clouded
Had me wondering why my life was so shytty.
I was consumed with anger
My life was a mess.
Once I let all of that go
God allowed me to be blessed.
I allowed my marriage to fail
I fell into a deep depression.
I allowed demons to haunt me
But now I learned my lesson.
I cut myself from off
From friends & family.
I lived in despair
& depression grabbed ahold of me.
I cried over losing my family
I tried several times to end my life.
But life kept on moving
For my children & ex-wife.
I came to to the conclusion
That I really need to move on.
But that was so hard to do
When my family was gone.
I wrote poetry & prayed
That really helped a great deal.
It helped me, when I wrote
How I really & truly feel.
Pauline was a great support system
Her words & poems were a Godsend.
I never told her this........
But I truly consider her a friend.
I learned waiting for death
Is no way for one to live.
I should look for the good in life
& strive to be positive.
I stopped crying & started smiling
I need my children to see that instead.
They don't need to see a broken man
Whose depressed, pathetic
Just one step from being dead.
I'll keep fighting to see my children
Because they are my legacy.
They are the reason why
I cast these demons away from me.

It's a shame when you have a good thing going
& people want to intervene.
They don't want you to have
They get jealous & mean.
Their lives are not going well
They have nothing at all.
Instead of enjoying watching you prosper
They pray for your downfall.
They see you happy they will rather
Ruin what you have.
They see a crack in your foundation
They will be so glad.
They try to end your happiness
When God gives you favor.
They try to destroy your blessing
Before you could even savor it.
Meddlers are people whose
Lives are a mess.
They hate to see others happy
Until you're broken they won't rest.
They'll smile in your face
While twisting the knife in your back.
They're relentless in destroying you
They're always on the attack.
They'll whisper in others ears
Trying to tear you down with words.
If you have a meddler, in your life
Cut them off, kick them to the curb.
Meddlers are the lowest thing
The Devil contributed to this earth.
Once you come in contact with them
Your life will be cursed.
They live in misery
& dabble in destruction.
They are all about hurting those around them
With deceit & corruption.
I had a meddler in my life
Their actions destroyed my family.
We tried to help the meddler out
They were so smooth with it
That we were too blind to see.
We didn't see in time
What were really their true intentions.
They had us fighting amongst each other
& did I forget to mention
How we took in a meddler
We allowed them in our residence
But they came to us under
False pretences.
They said they needed help
& we tried to be there.
But they destroyed my family
& they didn't care.
They tore a wedge between us
We fought all the time.
They just watched us destroy ourselves
& stood on the sidelines.
They took pride in watching
Our family dissipate.
They liked watching us crumble
They watched our family deteriorate.
Now my children miss their father
They are in so much pain.
The father leaves
But the meddler remains.
God don't like ugly
& that meddler showed their true colors.
They ruined a family
But they'll soon discover.
God will give me strength & in his grace
I'll continue to grow.
My faith will not waiver
My inner light will still glow.
I'll let that meddler enjoy this victory
Because I truly don't care.
I've got God on my side
So meddler beware.
I'll never wish you any harm
I want your life to grow.
But remember this meddler
You reap what you sow.
So if you can't get ahead
& you're always in a bind.
Remember Romans 12:19
The Lord said "Vengeance Is Mine"

I lost it all
It's a hard thing to say.
Now I'm all alone
On this Father-Less Day.
I made a mistake
That made my woman leave.
Now it's Father's Day
& I'm alone to grieve.
I grieve for the loss of my sons
The apples of my eye.
Being without them
On this day
Makes me break down & cry.
I failed my family
I pushed them away.
Now I can't celebrate with them
On this Father's Day.
When I call my own father
He'll be so happy.
I'll talk to my dad
Will my children call me?
My wife always told me
As a husband you're terrible.
The mood swings I was having
Made life with me unbearable.
She said I was so much into my boys
Sometimes she felt forgotten.
Since the day they were born
I spoiled them rotten.
She said I am a great daddy
Fatherhood was a great fit for me.
Too bad I did give our marriage
That much energy.
My sons were my identity
They were with me all the time.
It's hard being without them
I'm losing my mind.
They are my first thought when I wake up
My last thought when I sleep.
I feel like something's missing
I feel incomplete.
This is going to be a bad day
I see that already.
My prayer to My God is:
PLEASE DON'T LET MY CHILDREN FORGET ME

I remember when I first saw her
She got off The Red Line.
I thought to myself
**** this woman's fine.
Her long beautiful hair
Was flowing in the wind.
Tight fitting black dress
With a body built for sin.
Her smile hypnotized me
It left me in a trance.
She was so out of my league
But decided to take a chance.
We talked for awhile
To my surprise, she actually liked me.
Everything about her was perfect
She was so right for me.
She talked about God
& her relationship with him.
She said she didn't want to disappoint him
So she runs away from sin.
She talked about her dreams
Her hopes, her fears.
All I was thinking was how
I could keep this woman near.
Our first date ended too quickly
She had things to do at home.
It was love at first sight for me
My feelings for her already grown.
We hugged at the train
& we said good-bye.
Even though we just met
I felt like I was going to cry.
I went home & thought about her
I told my uncle, "I Met The One!"
My playa days are over
They are over & done.
I met the woman
That has stolen my heart.
Even though we just met
I hate that we're apart.

The first time we made love
It felt like Heaven opened it's gates.
She was so soft & warm
To be crass, the puxXxy was great.
She made me feel like
I never felt before.
I couldn't get enough of her
I had to have her more & more.
She seemed to get more beautiful
With passing day.
She had a brotha sprung
I just couldn't stay away.
Tears fell from my eyes
The first time she said she loved me
When we found out she was pregnant
I was so happy.
I can't continue the story
It causes me too much pain.
Instead of being with her in constant sunshine
I'm without her in constant rain.
I'll just remember our good times
They help me go on.
It helps me stay sane
Because My Angel is gone.

October 16th
We lost one of the best people
I ever saw.
My beautiful, sweet, dear
Mother-In-Law.
She loved her children
She introduced them to God.
Constantly smiling
Even though her life was so hard.
"Blood Of Jesus"
Was her favorite thing to say.
She probably said it
100 times a day.
She loved The Lord
She was spiritually touched.
He loved her too
That's why he blessed her so much.
God gave her the Cadillac
That she coveted so.
She shared her blessings with everyone
She never said no.
She gave & gave
Even to people who did her wrong.
Revenge was not in her nature
Because her faith was so strong.
She loved to talk
She always had something to say.
She kept it real with all
Man that woman didn't play.
She was the rock of her family
Her strength kept me in awe.
She was her family's monarch
She was perfect, no flaws.
She was my "California Mommy"
It's so hard being without her.
There's not an hour, minute or second
That I don't think about her.
I know she's in Heaven
Turning Heaven out.
The Lord is happy she's there
I believe that, no doubt.
I look up for her
I hope she's looking down on me.
I want her to know what her loss
Has done to her family.
Her daughter who used to
Always have a smile on her face
Now has sadness in her eyes
& her smile's been replaced
With a slight little frown
Because she misses her Mom
I don't think she gotten over the fact
That her Mother is gone.
We all grieve
In our own little way.
I thought it would get easier
With each passing day.
It hasn't for her daughter
She watched her Mom's health deteriorate.
But her Mom fought to the end
Because her will was so great.
I miss her so much
But I know she's in a better place.
The mark she left in our lives
Could never be erased.
October 16th is a day
That'll stay on my mind.
That's the day
My Mother-In-Law went to Heaven
& left us behind.
I know she's watching over us
I know this for a fact.
There's nothing in the world
I wouldn't do to have her back.
*
I Love You Mother-In-Law
2/3/1956-10/16/2014

What If I cared more
& truly gave a ****?
Would I be in this position
That I am?
What If I loved more
& stopped thinking of me?
Could this had been prevented?
Did this have to be?
What If I listened to her
Would she have wanted to stay?
I ask myself these questions
Every single day.
What If I prayed with her?
Would God have sympathy on me?
I wonder if that's the reason
Why he set my wife free?
What If I went to church
All those Sundays I refused?
Would she still be here?
Would I be the one she'd choose?
What If I cared more about
What she thought & her feelings?
My behavior over these past 10 years
Have been eye-opening & revealing.
I didn't care.
I didn't try.
I didn't love.
There's no excuse why.
She was my blessing
To me God's greatest gift.
Now I'm left here asking myself.........What If?

My life was in shambles
But then I discovered.
I couldn't get over her
My heart had to recover.
My days were filled with sadness
My life was in ruins.
I couldn't do anything right
I had no idea what I was doing.
The days seemed to get longer
They just didn't end.
Life got so hard without
My soulmate & best friend.
The nights were even worse
I couldn't get any rest.
I missed my wife, with her cover-hogging self
& her sweet caress.
I couldn't concentrate
I had too much heartache.
My heart was hurting too much
It was too much to take.
My eyes were red
From all the crying I had done.
My soul became empty
I withdrew from everyone.
My family reached out to me
But I too far gone.
I contemplated suicide
I had no will to go on.
My children worried about their father.
Why is he acting this way?
Their innocence couldn't comprehend
Why I was in such disaray.
The few friends I had called
& I didn't answer.
This heartache I was dealing with
Was an emotional cancer.
I finally had an epiphany
I knew what I had to do.
I had to get her out of my mind
& come to grips that we were through.
I prayed for understanding
& for inner peace.
The Lord heard my prayers
& this heartache was released.
He gave me a new strength
That I never knew I had.
God made me realize
That my life isn't so bad.
He took away the dark cloud
That had consumed my soul.
He gave me a new way of thinking
Gave me more control.
He took the frown away
That was on my face.
He replaced it with a smile
Because now I live in his grace.
He knew my love for her was real
He knows I'll always love her.
But God's kept me sane
& he's helping my heart recover.

How can one person
Have so much power over another?
A person not even related to you
Becomes closer to you than your own mother?
They have so much power
They can control your moods?
They can change your way of thinking
They can change your attitude.
They can control your inner feelings
They can make you do anything.
They could take to the depths of Hell
Or make your heart sing.
Power like that
Could be so destructive.
Someone had that power over me
& my life was disrupted.
That person had that power over me
& I couldn't resist it.
They took their hold off of me
& quite frankly, I missed it.
They left me broken
They became my desire, my need.
She left me to depend on myself
But I didn't know how to lead.
Her power over me was
Scary & hypnotic.
Now I took back control
That power, she's no longer got it.
I released myself from her
I got my life back.
My heart no longer feels
Like it's under attack.
My heart is once again beating
& everything's perfect.
I often ask myself
Was all this even worth it?
I believe it was
Because I now know what to do.
Never let a person
Ever have that much power over you.

I pray to my Jehovah
I hope he hears my pleas.
I want to let him know
What's going on with me.
I want him to know
How much I miss my sons.
I felt so happy when we had them
That's when my life begun.
Before they came in my life
My life was chaotic with so much commotion.
Before they came into my life
I was going through the motions.
Just living day by day
Not caring about no one.
All of that has changed
Once I was blessed with my beautiful sons.
They changed me from being selfish
With them I would always share.
They taught me how to love
They showed me how to care.
I was going on a downward spiral
My life was a complicated mess.
My sons made me feel whole
For once in my life I felt blessed.
The 1st time I held them
My life truly began.
That was the moment
I truly became a man.
I thanked Jehovah everyday for them
I felt blessed, my soul felt clean.
Just watching my babies sleep
Was the most beautiful site I ever seen.
I am begging you Jehovah
Please let me see my boys.
My life without them has
No laughter, no smiles, no joy
No happiness, no cheer
No real reason to go on.
Even though I lost my boys
My faith in you remains strong.
I hope you please hear me
& please answer my prayer.
Without your greatest gift to me
I'm living in despair.
*Please Hear My Prayers

A friend saw me writing
Wanted to read my stuff.
She read my poems
I guess she expected something fluff.
She didn't know my poems
Were so disturbing & dark.
She had no idea
What was truly in my heart.
Did she expect me to write stuff like:
"Roses Are Red"
I write about my mental illness
& how I wish I was dead.
I write about my Ex-Wife
& how I still ain't over her loss.
I write about losing my children
How break ups have their cost.
I write about the voices
That torment me 24/7.
& how I hope if I commit suicide
I'll still get a spot in Heaven.
I write to ease the pain
That has recently pleaged me.
If she wants to see happy shyt
Go watch Pixar or Disney.
Go watch a sitcom
Subscribe to Hulu or Netflix.
Don't read the writings
Of a man who's mentally sick.
Don't read my shyt
To be entertained.
I'm writing to keep my sanity
Just trying to maintain.
Don't say I'm disturbed
Or my mind is not quite right.
Everyday is a struggle for me
For my sanity these demons I fight.

Why do you like me
When all I do is talk about my former life.
I talk about what I lost
My wonderful kids, my beautiful Ex-Wife.
You listen attentively
You never say anything.
I know you see the sadness in my eyes
That this subject brings.
You say that you like me
You want me for yourself.
How is that possible
When I'm in love with someone else?
When I sleep at night
You aren't even on my mind.
Thoughts on my Ex-Wife
Occupy my time.
I look at you & wonder
If this is a mistake.
Will this love I feel for my Ex
Eventually, cause you some type of heartache?
It's hard sometimes to look at you
Because my Ex is who I'd rather be with.
I know that you want my heart
But my Ex is the one who has it.
You text, you call
You give me all kinds of attention.
I just can't reciprocate those feelings
I'm not as attentive.
I can't live a lie
& return feelings that aren't true.
That was be so mean
If I did that shyt to you.
I'm not saying I'm "all that"
Because I know that I'm not.
As much as you want to be in my heart
My Ex-Wife still has that spot.
The first time I saw Leesah
I knew she was The One.
When I look at you
You're a girl with whom I can have some fun.
You deserve better
A man who'll love you completely.
If we keep going on like this
You'll begin to resent me.
My heart is with a woman
Who I have no chance with.
I feel nothing for you
When we're alone & kiss.
You're physically attractive
Definitely not ******* the eyes.
But if I told you I love you
That would be nothing but lies.
I just want to make this clear
I want you to understand.
Leesah is my true love
She has the heart of this man.

I've been called selfish
Immature & too self-involved.
But since I've had my children
I know I have evolved.
Their needs come before mine.
Their needs are ALWAYS first.
Now that they are away from me
My life has been cursed.
They make my heart beat
They are the best thing I ever did.
They are the light of my life.
God's greatest gift, my kids.
They are my reason for going on
They make me strive to do well.
Being without them daily
Is a living hell.
I used to walk them to & from school
Took them everywhere I went
They are a gift from The Lord
They were truly Heaven Sent.
They were the only ones in the world
Who I know for sure love me.
They tell me each time we talk
How they miss me & think of me.
We just video chat now
I don't see them anymore.
This is my greatest failure
Losing my children I so adore.
I see my sons getting taller
Becoming young men.
I smile when we chat
But cry when our
Conversation ends.
I cry for all the time I've lost
I cry because I miss them so.
Without them I feel empty
With so much PAIN & SORROW.
I am trying to move on
But this pain is too great.
I want to just hold my children
Before it's too late.
They say no man knows when it's his time.
But I feel my time is soon going to end.
I could never rest peacefully
If didn't see my beautiful
Children again.
I feel death creeping up on me
I hear it coming on fast.
I just want to spend some time with my children
Before my next breath becomes my last.
So Lord before you take me
Please hear my one small request.
Let me please see my children
Before I take my final rest.
**please hear my prayer

I wasn't born handsome
Clever or smart.
I have a mean streak
Some say I have no heart.
My Ex Wife says I'm moody
My mood changes daily.
Sometimes I'm not right in the head
Man I'm just crazy.
My Ex thinks I'm nuts
She says I'm mentally unstable.
I was a terrible husband
But as a father
She said I was more than able.
Our breakup brought out harsh feelings
We argue, fuss & fight.
Being married was hell
But being a father felt so right.
I love my children
For them I was ALWAYS there.
They knew from the depths of their hearts
That their Daddy really cares.
Walked them to & from school
They were with me all the time.
I am so proud of my children
I am so BLESSED that they are mine.
I am not in their lives right now
Because of my past mistakes.
This separation from them is painful
The worst kind of heartache.
God I'm begging you
Please let me be in their life.
Make things better
Between me & my Ex Wife.
My children are the best thing
You ever gave me.
They are my link to you
Yours & their Love
Is the only thing that can save me.
I'm miserable all the time
I feel pain deep in my soul.
I cry all the time
I've lost total control.
God please hear my pleas
My soul is crying out.
Everything is taken from me
But my children I can't live without.
If this is how it's going to be
Lord take me today.
If my kids are gone from me
I don't want to live anyway.
*God Please Let Me Be A Father

What is wrong with me
Why am I this way?
Why do have to deal
With this struggle every phuckin' day?
I try to take my mind off of things
Without the use of alcohol or drugs.
But my inner voices tell me
I'm useless & unloved.
They tell me I'm a ***** up
They tell me I'm no good.
They tell me I'm incapable of doing better
There's no way I could.
What they tell me must be truthful
Because that's how I feel.
The voices tell me the truth
They like to "keep it real"
They speak to me at night
That's why I rarely sleep.
They tell me I'm not strong
So they render me weak.
They make me go look in the mirror
& it's my reflection I'm hating.
I live a life of self-loathing
& self-deficating.
I've learned to hate myself
The voices made me see the light.
I've given into my voices
I believe they are right.
I believe what they say about me
They know best it seems.
The voices stripped away my pride
& destroyed my self-esteem.
I think what my voice tell me
Leaves me emotionally & mentally spent.
These voice must be my only friends
Because they listen when I vent.
They listen when no one else does
They give me their undivided attention.
They keep my inner secrets well
To no one else they will mention.
They show me how to hide the pain
They show me how to conceal it.
But when my voices & I are alone
They **** sure make me feel it.
The voices make me feel as if I'm nothing
As if my life is a waste of time.
They say it so much
That it's tattooed on my mind.
They're right, I'm worthless
Taking up precious space.
The world would be a better place
If I were erased.
*voices you are right

I'm going to stop running from you
I'll no longer retreat.
I'll listen more intently
To your commands, when you speak.
If this it what it takes for this pain
To be released.
I'll listen to what you're saying
So I could achieve some inner peace.
My life is a mess
I can't take this pain no longer.
I lost my beautiful children
& my perfect wife, because I wronged her.
I lost my self respect
I no longer care.
I don't laugh or smile anymore
I live in despair.
My days are filled with loneliness
At night I don't sleep.
The only thing I have is these voices
So I listen to them speak.
When everyone else has left me
The voices still remain.
The voices understand me
They know my inner pain.
They harp on my mistakes
They **** my self esteem.
They remind me of my shortcomings
They invade my thoughts & dreams.
They mentally break me down
They tell me I'm no good.
They tell me suicide is the answer
They made me believe that I should.
These voice are loud
They're boisterous & strong.
I given into them now
I just hope they aren't wrong.
I pray voices that what
You want me to do
Really isn't a sin.
Because I'm going to do what you want
Voices................you win!

I remember waiting to watch Wide World Of Sports
One Saturday afternoon.
Hoping & praying that the show
Would start soon.
Just waiting to see
Muhammad Ali
Next to my father
That man was everything to me.
He was quick on his feet
His poems made me smile.
He made a brutal sport look cool
& he did it with style.
He said things to Howard Cosell
That were witty & outrageous.
He faced the best of his era
He was so courageous.

I remember watching
The Jackson Five cartoon show.
Every Saturday morning.
I lived vicariously through Michael
Because quite frankly
My life was so boring.
I grew up listening to his music
His music is the soundtrack of my life.
"Lady In My Life" was playing
The first time I saw my wife.

I remember my first Prince album
"Soft & Wet" was my jam.
People called the brother weird
But I didn't give a ****.
"Purple Rain" was a great movie
I can recite that movie's every line.
I think "Sign Of The Times"
Is the greatest album of all times.

To lose these three greats
Is a really a shame.
Muhammad, Michael & Prince
I will never forget their names.
They were a part of my childhood
I truly feel their loss.
It makes me sad inside
Because my childhood is lost.

When a relationship ends
There are five stages of grief.
Once you go through them
Your heart will find relief.
So please listen to what
I had to go through.
Maybe it'll help you
If you go through this too.
The first stage was
"Disbelief & Shock"
That's when the pain starts
& you want it to stop.
The second stage is "Denial"
This is the most difficult one.
Because you don't want to believe
That your relationship is done.
The third stage is "Anger"
This one messes with your heart.
You'll want to lash out at the world
Because your heart's torn all apart.
The four stage is "Depression"
This stage is really bad
You'll go through so many emotions
But mostly you're very mad or sad.
You'd start healing after this stage
Of course.
You'd be sad that it's over
& dread the end or divorce.
The fifth stage is
"Acceptance & Hope"
You'll see the light at the end of the tunnel
& you'll be able to cope.
You'll begin to cope
& live with the fact
That your relationship is over
& they're not coming back.
I went through these things
& I feel a little better.
I want to live again
I need to get it together.
I just hope now
That peace will find me.
So I could put all of this craziness
Behind me.
I do wish her well
& I Love Her still.
But I gotta get myself together
Because I know it's God's will.
Stage Five puts me in a better place
I hope it gives me the peace for what I strive.
Now I'm ready to live again
I want to be alive.

She loved to go out
I loved to stay in.
She loved to live free
I wanted to see what game was playing.
Even With Colgate
We had different tastes.
She'd prefer Gel.
I'd prefer Paste.
She loved to take long drives
I worried about the gas.
She wanted to eat out
But I always passed.
She loves to laugh
I kept a scowl on my face.
She likes to savor things
I acted like life was a race.
She is optimistic
I always think the worst.
She is patient
I like to be first.
She loves affection
I didn't want to be touched.
She likes to make love
I just wanted to *****.
She gave people trust
I kept them an arm's length from me.
She loves all people
Me I'm not so friendly.
She read The Bible
I read Urban Fiction.
She was attentive
While I never listened.
Life never got her down
Me I just worried.
She took her time
While I always hurried.
She loved to go to Vegas
I worried about the cost.
She wanted me to take the lead
I didn't want to be the boss.
She loves to go to church
I always stayed away.
She'd beg me to go
"I'm busy" I'd say.
She liked to go shopping
I didn't go, she went alone.
I'd rather be chilling
Right here at home.
She loved to hang out with her sisters
She loves her family.
I'm not close to my fam
So it didn't bother me.
She loves her family
She feels the need to protect them
I told her I couldn't stand them anyway
So I rejected them.
She wanted to hug
But I just sat in my blue recliner.
Now I'm looking for her
Now I can't find her.
I guess our differences
Were too great & wide.
I should've done more
I really should've tried.
Our differences made her leave
Man, this ain't no joke.
When you love someone
Make sure that you're Equally Yoked.

I stopped crying for a woman
Who doesn't want me anymore.
I stopped trying to make sense
Of a love that was no more.
I stopped trying to make that woman
Know how much I hurt.
I stopped worrying about a lost love
& put my feelings first.
I stopped thinking about her
& wondering how she's doing.
This obsession I was having
Was causing my life to be in ruins.
I stopped thinking about her new love
Was he better than me?
The more I thought about it
It caused me so much misery.
I stopped looking at her pictures
But ****, she's so fine.
It just messed with my sanity
My life was no longer mine.
I stopped calling & texting
No kind of contact.
I need to get her out of my head
I want my life back.
I stopped writing all of these love poems
That were all about her
People said I was "PuxXxy Whipped"
They're right, I concur.
I stopped chasing after her
& begging to talk to her .
It just made me look foolish
Like some deranged stalker.
I stopped lying in bed
Because all I did was cry & weep.
I couldn't take it no more
& I was losing too much sleep.
I stopped worrying & praying
That we'd get back together.
I'll just put her, in the back of my mind
& try to forget her.
I Stopped!
I Stopped!
I Stopped!
Now it's time to START...........living again.

God gave me a gift
& I took it for granted.
He gave me the most
Perfect woman, on this whole entire planet.
I was in awe of her
She was one of a kind.
It was hard to believe
That she was mine.
She had beauty, brains
& is a wonderful mother.
Once I laid eyes on her
I could never love another.
She was my strength
When I was weak.
She was my voice
When I couldn't speak.
She was my sight
When couldn't see
My Leesah, My Leesah
Was everything to me.
I took her for granted
I stomped on her heart.
I refused her love
Now we are apart.
I never listened to her
When she had something to say.
I'd say, "Tell me later"
& be on my way.
She wanted attention
But I was too much into myself.
Because of my selfish ways
She's now with someone else.
I never hugged her
Rarely told her I love her.
We stayed in the same house
But rarely thought of her.
I had my on issues
So I ignored her attempts at love.
Because it was all about me
Me is all I thought of.
She talked about God
& how he keeps her in his grace
I'd say
"I'm watching the game, let me have my space"
She was always going to be here
That's what I believed.
Imagine my shock
When she told me to leave.
I left & then looked up to the sky
With tears in my eyes I screamed, "Why God Why"
I heard a voice that was deep
that answered my cries
It sounded quite angry, to my surprise

He said:
You squandered the gift
That I gave you
Now you have the nerve
To ask me to save you.
You are just mad
Because you'll be by yourself.
You did this take the blame
It's not on anyone else
I gave you a woman
Who was my pride & joy
But you treated her like
An old disguarded toy.
You ignored her
When she wanted to talk about me.
Now you want her back
But I'll refuse you plea.
You were so selfish & mean
So I let her go.
I'm sorry to tell you
My answer is no.

Now I'm without My Leesah
The love of my life.
The perfect woman
The perfect wife.
I lost her forever
Now I'm on my own.
I think of her quite often
When I'm alone.
I wonder how she's doing
Does she miss me too?
I doubt that she does
After all I put her through.
I'll live with this failure
& I hope I'll recover.
Forever & Ever
I'LL ALWAYS LOVE HER.
*
I Love You Leesah!

Love has hit me so hard
Left me **** near crazy.
I met the perfect woman
Who never ceases to amaze me.
Who's beauty is flawless
She has grace & style
Her eyes captivate me
& so does her smile.
Her long beautiful hair
Gets curly & falls over her eyes.
All natural, Homegrown
No weave to my surprise.
I love her perfectly shaped legs
So firm, so thick.
Women envy her beauty
It just make them sick.
She has a spirit that draws you in
Just like a magnet.
The first time I saw her
I knew I just had to have it.
Her love for God
Is what I love most of all.
Even he's memorized by her
Because he answers, when she calls.
Her name is Leesah
She has stolen my heart.
She's become
My beginning, my end, my finish, my start.
That may not make sense to you
But that was only meant for her to understand.
I love when I'm with her
I become the envy of every man.
I love how she is
So spiritually tuned.
She's special, one of a kind
& it's my heart she's consumed.
Leesah is my drug
I need her daily, for my fix.
Leesah is a habit
That I would never dare kick.
She could go anywhere in the world
& my love will go find her.
My love will be in front of her
Never behind her.
She'll know that I Love Her
Because everyday I'll remind her.
I'll never mentally hold her down
Or emotionally bind her.
I want to give her the world
& everything in it.
I'm in it for the long haul
I'm in it to win it.
Leesah is so perfect
She leaves me in a daze.
If you knew her
You too would be amazed.
She's a Queen a Goddess
She's so real, so true.
Leesah too bad
I never said these things to you.
Now I am all alone
Just me, myself & I
No Leesah, just this Jones.

My Sons mean the world to me
They keep a smile on my face.
The love they keep in my heart
Is a love that can't be replaced.
When my day is cloudy
Or if my day isn't so bright.
My Sons are my strength
They make all seem right.
My Sons make me laugh
When all seems so gloom.
They are gone from me now
I hope to see them soon.
I don't want to be a "baby daddy"
That term sounds so ugly .
I want to be a FATHER
As my Dad was to me.
He was always there for me
He taught me right from wrong.
He gave me strength
When I didn't feel so strong.
He taught me about girls
He taught me to stay away from drugs.
He was firm in his approach
But he did it with love.
He taught me how to tie a tie
Before I was twelve.
He taught me the good go to Heaven
& the bad go to Hell.
He taught me men shouldn't gossip
Men should always be strong.
The man should be the head of his family
That's where he belongs.
He taught me life lessons
He showed me how to be a man.
He said never do things blindly.
Always have a plan.
That's the kind of father
I would like to be.
But it's so hard to do
When My Sons are away from me.
I hope they know I miss them
I hope that they know that they are on my mind.
Please God don't let them forget me
Life shouldn't be this unkind.
Being with My Sons
Is an absolute joy.
They are amazing.
I truly adore My boys.
I love everything about them
They are perfect in my eyes.
Lord please bring them back to me
Please hear my pleas & cries.
I miss My Sons
I hate we're not together no longer.
Even though we're apart my feelings
For them has daily gotten stronger.
  *I Miss My Sons

These voices are still talking to me
Each day they get louder.
They call me when I'm
Eating, sleeping, at work
Even in the shower.
They tell me I'm a failure
The voices are so clear.
They dominate my mind
They are the only thing I hear.
They direct my every step
They took over my soul.
I've finally gave into them
They are now in control.
They are my new counsel
I can't think for myself.
All I need is my voices
I don't need anyone else.
They understand my pain
They know what I've been through.
They know I need pain relief
They told me what to do.
They told me how to end my torment
How to set myself free.
This is their recipe for pain relief
They tell me constantly.
PILLS
KNIFE
WRIST
PAIN
GONE
It sounds so simple
Maybe I should listen.
Maybe this is the solution
To the serenity I've been missing.
Maybe this is the answer
Because this life is **** hard.
It's left me broken & hopeless
I'm emotionally scared.
I've been broken to the point
To where I've gone insane.
Everyone has abandoned me
But my voices remain.
They stuck with me through the rough times
Always by my side.
They made their presence felt
They can no longer be denied.
They stuck by me
When I was emotionally spent.
Are these voices a curse
Or are they truly
Heaven sent.
Are these voices giving me good advice
They seem to know what's best.
Maybe the way to end this pain
Is to seek eternal rest.
I'm tired of this life anyway
These voices just might be right.
I think I'll take their advice
& have some pain relief tonight.

These voices won't shut up
They are making noises all the time.
I wish I could ignore them
Then I know I'll be fine.
I thought if I stopped listening
That would be the end of this problem.
These voices say they can help me
My issues they say they can solve them.
I've gotten to the point
Where I answer them back.
It's tiring to feel
Like my sanity is under attack.
People think I talk to myself
They think I'm crazy.
I'm just having conversations
With those voices inside of me.
The voices know all
They know my secrets, my fears, my desires.
They know how to push my buttons.
They keep my soul on fire.
They take me out of my character
They turn me to someone I don't want to be.
These voices stole my life
What more do they want from me?
The voices won't shut up
They talk & talk & talk.
Why won't they leave me alone
& find someone else to stalk.
I just want serenity
& some peace & quiet.
Unfortunately, these voices are a part of me
I can no longer deny it.
I'm ashamed to admit that
It feels like my life has been cursed.
These voices already made me hit rock bottom
Can it get any worse?
Can these voices & me coexist
Can we share the same mind?
Can they make my life positive
Or keep hurting me everytime?
Please voices release me
You've caused enough damage.
These voices act like I need them
If they leave, I'm sure I can manage.
Voices leave me alone
Or just shut the hell up.
I really don't believe that will ever happen.
I think forever we're stuck.

Just got out the hospital
These pills took control.
I'm sitting here with a sore throat
From a tube filled with charcoal.
I took 20 pills
I guess it wasn't quite enough.
The pills dared me to take them
I actually called their bluff.
They call out to me
They say I should end it all.
They say they could heal me
They say they won't let me fall.
They claim they could end the pain
They'll take away the misery.
These are the things I hear
When my pills are calling me.
My pills promise me peace
They promise me tranquility.
They tell they'll help me
But I listen with uncertainty.
My Father will be disappointed
My Mother would cry.
The pills tell me
Be selfish
You know you want to die.
My kids would be devestated
My wife might blame herself.
My pills say forget them
Only think of yourself.
Think of this pain
That you really want to end.
My pills tell me they love me
They are my true friends.
My pills have only my best interests
They claim they'll help me through.
They tell me:
Robert we want to get this
Dark cloud away from you.
My pills say the best release is
For me to be dead.
Are they really calling me
Or is it all in my head?
Maybe one day I'll listen
Next time they call for me.
I just hope the pills will do as promised
Take away the pain completely.

Voices get out of my head
Please leave me alone.
Whatever problems I have in life
I'd rather deal with it on my own.
I don't need your counsel
Nor do I need your advice.
I'm capable of making my own decisions
I think my own thoughts will suffice.
These demons inside of me
Are taking control.
They have taken over my mind, my body
Now they want my soul.
They want me to fail
They don't want me to succeed.
I want to be left alone
Right now that's exactly what I need.
I don't need inner voices
Trying to impose their will.
I just need calm in my life
Peace be still.
Why can't these demons
Just leave me be?
What is this fascination
That they have with me?
I've tried begging and praying
For these demons to depart.
They have taken over my mind
Now they are going for my heart.
These demons have changed me
From the person I used to be.
People who used to know me
Barely recognized me.
I don't smile anymore
I keep a scowl on my face.
The person I used to be
Is gone there's barely a trace.
Please demons go away
Please allow me to prosper.
You took my kids from me
& my wife
I forever lost her.
Demons & voices you've destroyed me
If this was your plan
You've succeeded
My soul has been dammed.

I look back on my life
I reflect on my past.
I saw how I just stood still
Never quite followed any clear path.
How could people respect me
If I didn't make any positive moves?
I live in self-hate
With a bad attitude.
I lost my woman, my children
My home, my family.
My life is a dark cloud I live in misery.
I even tried to **** myself
Just the other day.
But God wouldn't let it happen
He kept me anyway.
I called my pastor
He was busy at the time.
I was having a mental meltdown
I was losing my mind.
I took a handful of pills
That only made me sick.
I can't even end my own life
Ain't that a b*tch.
If I ever succeed with suicide
Don't give Leesah the blame.
I'm just tired of this life
I'm not mentally sane.
The only thing that matters
Is my children that I love so.
They are gone from me
My life has no meaning, I think it's my time to go.
My family has turned their backs on me
I ran them all away.
I have mental issues I'm ignoring
Getting more ill everyday.
I hear voices in my head
They talk to me all the time
They torment me
These voices mess with my mind.
My inner voices are my only friends
I know that sounds quite odd.
The only thing I have to hold onto
Are these voices & God.
Nothing else is there for me
No one else is there.
I live a life of pure loneliness
I think no one else cares.
My-Ex says I'm unstable
She says I'm mentally unwell.
She tried to help me, I refused
Now I live in my own personal Hell.
I saw the pain in her eyes
She looks at me with pure disgust.
I allowed my mental illness
To betray her trust.
I can't believe how my life
Has turned for the worst.
I feel like my life is a joke
I feel like I'm cursed.
The mistakes I made in life
Were caused by my own hands.
I went through living my life
Without any clear cut plans.
I've tried talking to God
To him I constantly pray.
It seems as he's forsaken me
Because he doesn't hear me anyway.
I know that's my illness talking
Those voices wanting my faith to waiver.
I'll never let that happen
Because one day I know
I'll receive God's favor.
My mind is everywhere
Mental illness has a hold on my life.
My-Ex tried to warn me.
Why didn't I listen to my wife?
I thought losing my family
Caused my downward spiral.
But truth be told
It was happening for a while.
My mental illness has ruined me
It's left me mentally & physically depleted.
I messed up my life
Because my illness went untreated.
Is it too late to get help?
Why? My family's gone.
I lost my wife, my children
Do I want to go on?
If I never write again
If this poem is my last write.
I know I was the blame
I finally saw the light.
My pride didn't allow me to admit
I'm mentally unstable, mentally unwell.
Because I didn't listen to Leesah
I live in my own lonely private hell.

She tried
I tried
Just couldn't get it together.
Now we just are too **** tired
We're apart forever.
I wanted to change her
She tried to change me.
Got to the point we hated to be around each other
We were so unhappy.
She wanted me to be nicer
That's what she always said.
I wanted her to be more like
Kapri Styles in bed.
She wanted me to share more
Wanted me to be more open.
She wanted me to stop being so moody
& begged me to stop smoking.
I wanted her undivided attention
I wanted her with me all the time.
I wanted total control of
Her heart, Her soul, Her mind.
We got none of those things
We weren't willing to compromise.
Now that we're apart
I now realize.
That marriage is about
A lot of Give & Take
If you aren't willing to do so
It'll cause you nothing but
HEATACHE.

"Baby Daddy" is an ugly title
It sounds so stupid to me.
"Father" sounds much better
It represents family.
A "Baby Daddy" plants his seed
Then runs around & roam.
A "Father" isn't as selfish
His kid's needs eclipses his own.
A "Baby Daddy" likes to have fun
Not thinking of his girl or boy.
A "Father" loves his children
Their happiness brings him joy.
A "Baby Daddy" can get mad
If the mother doesn't want him anymore.
A "Father" doesn't care about all that
Because it's only about his children, they're the ones he adores.
A "Baby Daddy" could care less
If he doesn't hear from his children.
A "Father" wants everyday contact
To keep their relationship building.
A "Baby Daddy" forgets his children
The second they're out of his sight.
A "Father" thinks of his children
Throughout the day & each & every night.
A "Baby Daddy" forgets birthdays
Misses important events in his kid's life.
A "Father" never forget anything
Never have to tell him twice.
A "Baby Daddy" makes his children feel alienated
As if they weren't there.
A "Father" tells his children he loves them
His children knows he cares.
A "Baby Daddy" doesn't care if he hears from his children
A call every now & then from them will suffice.
A "Father" wants to be involved
In every aspect of his children's life.
I see being a "Father"
Is what I'd rather be.
Being a "Baby Daddy"
Just wouldn't work for me.
My children are my greatest blessing
They are the apples of my eye.
Before becoming a "Baby Daddy"
I would rather die.
*I Love My Children

I sit here feeling bad for my sisters
I should've had their back.
I sat there idly
While my sisters were under attack.
I watched them having babies
Without the fathers offering support.
I vowed to protect my sisters
But man I came up short.
I watched my sisters get ***** Mentally & physically.
I am not acting like the man
My father raised me to be.
Without my sisters the black man
Would've been extinct a long time ago.
But instead of embracing our Black Women
We call them bytches, ***** or hoes.
We use them for ****** favors
We show them no respect.
Black Women are God's gift to us
How soon we forget.
From this moment on I pledge to
To give them the respect that they're due.
Black Women for the rest of my days
I will ALWAYS CHERISH & ADORE YOU!

I'm looking in the mirror
What do I see?
A man who's a shell of himself
Staring back at me.
A man who used to have it all
A man who used to have it together
Now this man looks
So worn out & weathered.
A man who allowed the stress
To take it's toll.
This man's eyes look empty
He's a tortured soul.
He looks so lost
He he has no hope at all.
He looks like he's mentally shattered
Because of his downfall.
He's lost so much weight
Too much smoking made his teeth yellow.
His clothes barely fit
He used to be a handsome fellow.
This man looks likes something is missing
He's almost at the point of no return.
His heart is on fire
With 3rd degree burns.
The person staring back at me
Looks like he's lost all hope.
He looks suicidal
He's at the end of his rope.
I wish I could tell him he'll get the happiness
He wants to achieve.
He has to give it to God
Then he has to believe.
This man looks like a mess
Such a sorry sight to see.
I'm starting to hate
The man staring back at me.

"Later" is word
I wish I never knew.
You couldn't imagine
What that word has put me through.
I put things off
"Later" caused me to procrastinate.
"Later" made me lazy
It made me hesitate.
"Later" ended my marriage
It destroyed my life.
"Later" has taken a toll on my family
"Later" caused a change in my wife.
She used to have faith in me
Because my word was bond.
"Later" became a part of my vocabulary
Now she is gone.
"Later" became a part of my speech
People started to hate to hear me say it.
They knew when I said "Later"
Whatever I had to do, I would somehow delay it.
I would take my time
& put things on hold.
I didn't think it was a problem
Because "Later" is what they were told.
My wife wanted to talk
"Later" was my reply.
"Later" never came
& I don't know why.
I really wanted to listen
But I just didn't try
She got tired of waiting for "Later"
So she told me Bye-Bye.
"Later" was convient
It seemed to be the right thing to say.
It seemed like an escape from things
I didn't want to do anyway.
"Later" will never be used again by me
I've learned my lesson well.
That word "Later"
Has made my life a living hell.
If by chance I have to use it
I'll be sure to follow through.
NEVER let that word "Later"
Consume or destroy you too.

Social media
What an interesting term.
I thought the "media" was to inform
Man do we have a lot to learn.
People get on Facebook
To escape & have fun.
Then have to deal with reality
When they are done.
Some people have 10,000 friends
That really blows my mind.
I don't think I've ever met that many people
In my entire lifetime.
Facebook means nothing to me
I really & truly do not care.
For some people
It's become their lives
To sit at a computer for hours & stare.
Looking for the new status
Of all of those 10,000 "friends"
Acting like we really give a shyt
Social media is all pretend.
People pretend that they have it together
But believe me they are lost.
They are just as messed up as everyone else
When they finally log off.
No Twitter, No Instagram
No MySpace for me.
Don't want deal with fantasy
I'd rather deal with reality.
I can't see myself getting
Giddy & all excited
Because someone I don't know
Has a new group & I'm invited.
Good-Bye to Facebook
& social media too.
I can't say that I'll miss it
But I am glad that I'm through.

I'm driving down the street
Taking in the sight & sounds.
I see a disturbing sight
A family pushing a shopping cart around.
Their clothes are *****
They look like they haven't eaten in days.
But somehow it doesn't bother them
They don't seemed to be fazed.
People walked & drove past them
As if they weren't there.
They acted like, it isn't my problem
Why should I care?
I wanted to get out my car
& offer this family some encouragement.
Give them a few bucks
So their kids could have some nourishment.
I didn't, I kept driving
& stopped looking their way.
I was like everyone else
I didn't care anyway.
I started thinking of my own children
Could I put them through this?
Could we fit all we own in a shopping cart
& still live in bliss?
Would our pride allow us
To ask strangers for change?
Would we suffer from culture shock
If our lives were that much rearranged.
Would we be able to deal with
The weather, the hunger, shame?
To be amongst the nameless
Where no one knows your name.
I started to feel bad for this family
So I turned my car around.
I went to look for them
But they were nowhere to be found.
I got home & got on my knees
& began to pray.
I asked God to shine his light on them
& give this family better days.
I prayed for those 3 children
Who looked tired & worn out.
I prayed for their mother too
Her eyes were so filled with doubt.
I prayed for their father
Who felt like he failed his family.
Who am i to judge them
Hell, that could of been me.
For some reason that family
Stays on my mind.
I never saw them again
They're just a memory in time.
I often wonder what became of them.
Did they ever get through this?
They are stronger than my family
There's no way we could ever do this.
When I start thinking life is hard
& my world's coming apart
I just think of that family pushing that
Wal-Mart shopping cart.