I don't know who I am.

This may sound strange,
but it's how I feel
many 20 somethings
know this feeling is real

"This is normal"
"You're not alone"
But this lack of identity
Makes me feel thrown

For years I was the "smart one"
Strove for the highest grades
Lost that identity for a bit
Momentarily lived in the shade

I reclaimed that feeling in first year
Academically, feeling strong
But wanting to excel was challenging
Anxiety and depression tagged along

I excelled for four years to leave options
Working myself to the bone
Hoping my hard work would mean something
My path forward would be shown

But now I'm left with burn out.

It leaves me at a crossroads
Not sure which path to take
Not confident in myself
Or the changes I hope to make

Building a live worth living
Is more challenging than you make think
When you're used to craving excellence
Anything less feels like an empty link

I have to find a way forward
To make sense of all that is
Accept that life isn't always fun
But know that doesn't mean my life is done.

I want to be an optimist
In a world that's sad and cruel
Find where I truly belong
Hope will be my tool.

Work hard.
More degrees, more success
No time for rest,
do your best.

Always anxious about school.

...

But don't you love to learn?
I guess that's true
but instead of feeling engaged
I'm feeling more blue
No longer is it about
broadening your mind
now it's about
the endless grade grind.

You're only worth something if your grades are great
Keep working hard, leisure can wait
Do your masters, be grateful for education
Wait.

Who's to say I want more education?
Who's to say that more wealth equals more happiness?

We've become a generation
bred for success
be grateful for your opportunities
when your parents had less.
Denying university?
How ungrateful can you be?
I've worked so hard for you
You're supposed to impress me.

We've forgotten.
Nobody wants to starve, or miss paying rent
But happiness is not cultivated
By more dollars spent
We spend our lives at work
Chasing more and more
Family and friends
are turned into a chore.

If this is the price of success, count me out.
I crave connection and belonging
I need others without a doubt.
Let's turn off the technology,
and reflect on our paths
Unless we start connecting
Discontentment will unleash its wrath

When you destroy yourself,
you destroy me.

I know it shouldn't work that way
But how can it not, as day after day
You work yourself to death.

What are your hobbies?
What brings you joy?
Nothing?

I'm tired of your melancholic mood
How you never prioritize food
Work for 80 hours per week
As anger and rage you continue to leak

How do you not see this?
"I need to provide"
For a family you are killing
On the inside
we've tried
oh yes, we've tried
to explain this all to you
but denial and tears is what comes
and now I'm totally through.

You can't fill from an empty cup.
But on you, I've given up.

I worry about you all the time.
I don't want to see you die.

Nagging, yelling, crying.

I can't let this destroy me.
I need to move forward in another direction.
And find who I am without this infection
of never tolerating less than perfection
as I face this life intersection
help.
I don't want to live this way.
I need to know that I'm truly okay.
To honour myself as I would a friend.
Know that imperfection doesn't mean the end.

Why can't you support me?

But your support, I don't need.
I'm an adult with my own two feet.
I'll stay strong and continue my fight
Keeping you out of sight.

Thanks for the invalidation.

In the midst of anxiety
You make me feel calm
When I'm with you
Nothing feels wrong

Your smile, your care
Brightens my day
Makes me feel like I'm more okay

You see my struggles
My overthinking mind
But accept and support
You're one of a kind

With you
My world is brighter
And makes more sense
I'm able to strive
but feel less intense
You see the good in me
When my brain is a bit blind
And help me to grow
and try to unwind

I'm grateful for you
And everything you are
In my darkened, black sky
You're the scintillating star

A few weeks ago, I had less thoughts,
But now they’ve come back and they can’t seem to stop

I feel massive and huge
I’ve let myself go
How can I live like this
I’m puffy like dough

I want to control what I eat.

But I’m at the mercy of what my parents make
And the awkwardness that surrounds my plate
I can’t talk about how this is driving me insane
I know I’m crazy, these thoughts are inane

But I don’t know what to do.

I just want to be fit, like what I see in the mirror
Not hate every inch of fat on my rear
I want to be lean.

But what if I can’t have this
That might be true
Too much restriction
Metabolism won’t come through
Messed up my body
Messed up my life
On a path to a body,
I’m filled with strife

I don’t believe this will cease to haunt me
Incompatible with my nature
Incompatible with me
I want to achieve
And be the best I can be
I obsess over my shape
And my unknown weight
I’d rather be destroyed
Than discover I’ve gained

Truly, there is no cure.
Intense psychotherapy
Is the only hope there
But my thoughts aren’t distorted,
It’s our culture, I swear
My struggles are normal
Reflective of today
In these thoughts I may drown
In our culture I am prey

Recovery.

What does that mean?
A goal I set 5 years ago
After trying to "eat clean"
Yet how can I recover
in a world obsessed
with losing weight.

Eat this, not that.
Make sure you move.
Calorie counts galore
You have something to prove.

Dessert? Horrible.
Treats aren't allowed.
Less in, more out
Till you're light as a cloud.

Look at her weight loss
She's been "so good"
Eaten less and less
Lost all that she could.

This is the noise
I deal with.

And I'm told to
not listen
to think otherwise
don't focus on fat
or the size of your thighs

I try
Believe me, I try
But 5 years later
and my body makes me cry
Wanting to be normal
but perpetually sad
No matter what I eat
most of it's bad.

A part of me would give anything
To lose some pounds
So when I feel my body
it isn't just mounds.

Alas.
I don't know if that's possible.

Losing weight is equivalent
to losing your mind
Getting high off "control"
and the "esteem" you find
Obsessed with calories
and the steps you track
Monitoring everything
each and every snack.

No way
to live a life.

Nourish yourself with wholesome food
Don't sacrifice your mood.
So much more to do on this earth
Beyond obsessing over weight and shape.

I know
I know how hard it is to ignore the voice in your head
And all the diet culture, that closely treads

Do what's best for you
You deserve balance with food.

I never knew
It could be true
That I could feel close
To a boy I knew

Everything is better
when I'm by your side
The darkness fades,
I've turned the tide

Yet
This doesn't feel like an unhealthy obsession
Like it always has before
On my own I'm okay
But together I'm something more

Living in the moment
Enjoying things day by day
More compassion for myself
and my body as it is today

Months ago I was convinced
That darkness was my fate
But hope and help and support
Has shown me the life I can create