For the first time

in a very long time

I actually feel joy.

I feel peace
and calm
can appreciate good songs
the light in my brain has turned on

Concentration and focus
have graciously returned
Clear thinking and contentment
For this I've yearned

I stare at the trees
How plants sway in the breeze
The beauty of nature
is something I now seize

Gratitude

I truly never thought
These feelings would return
Thought I was doomed to sadness
and never-ending hurt
Be numb or depressed,
Neither preferred

Close to giving up.

This feeling may not stay,
But I'm grateful to have felt this way
even for a few days.

I cherish this outlook
and the way that I feel

I'll use what I've learned
To help others hope to heal

You look at me and smile
and anxiety melts away
My heart grows
My brain knows
Things might actually be okay

You listen to my ramblings
Put up with my weird quirks
I didn't know
That this could grow
My past is filled with jerks

You accept me for my struggles
Past and present day
Didn't think that that was possible
Is what I used to say

Attractive, kind, and fun
and lots of chemistry too

In an uncertain future
I'm glad to say
I've spent some time with you.

My internal pain is invisible,
my anguish cannot be seen.
I go through each day
making my way
but with little knowledge of where I've been.

Working, volunteering, trying,
to spark a bit of joy
but I still feel blue,
what am I to do?
My smile is a ploy.

Help.
I'm screaming on the inside
Hoping someone will notice and care.
For now, I feel like a burden
wallowing in my despair.

I'm tired of pretending to be normal
Of the appearance that I've made
Of seemingly being high functioning
When in truth I'm continuing to fade

I'm sorry I can't be happy,
I'm sorry I'm always this way,
hoping someone perhaps reaches out,
tells me it'll be okay

I've learned so much, alas,
Nothing seems to work.
"You're fine Laura, keep going"
Until my brain truly goes berserk

From July 2017:

Explaining how I feel to others
Is a difficult feat

For they are unable to see the wars waging in my mind
How sanity is what I'm desperately trying to find

Worried about the future
Contemplating the past

Battling the rules I rigidly made

Rules that were supposed to keep me safe and sound
Turned me around

Trying to organize the chaos that encompasses my life
So many things I want to do, but never enough time

Picking on myself is automatic you see
I'm trying to stop perpetuating my misery

But depression is a sadness you cannot shake
A welt in your side you cannot heal
Sadness encompasses you and you'd give anything to not exist

Anxiety reminds you of everything you haven't done
How you aren't good enough
How everything is impossibly tough

Perfectionism urges you to succeed
But if you're inadequate, taunting proceeds

The eating disorder developed out of low self esteem
War on my body
War on the image in the mirror

A satisfactory punishment
For all I mess up in
A method of control
A desperate attempt to succeed in something
Anything
Numb the emotions
Quiet the pain
Dwindle and disappear
But you go insane

An unhealthy coping mechanism
No way to live a life
I'm starting to see through this never ending strife
I'm beginning to accept myself for who I am

To acknowledge how far I've come
How perhaps I'm not incredibly dumb
Recognize the lies that my mind whispers to me

Each day is a challenge
Each day is a test
Each day I'm trying to do my best

From my experiences I have so much to give
I am continuing to learn
I want to share my knowledge
As my passion for mental health
Continues to live

My biggest fear
to this day
is that others won't accept me
when I'm not completely okay

I fight the battles
in my mind
sometimes peace
is hard to find

"Everyone will run from your darkness"
"Nobody will understand"
"Stay. quiet. Your thoughts are quicksand."

But now I'm discovering
This may not be true
I took a large leap
And opened up to you

Wore my heart on my sleeve
chatted about my life
was honest and real
about my daily strife

And

you

listened.

Didn't judge what I said,
or try to offer extra advice
didn't get all uncomfortable
were incredibly nice

Asked amazing questions
That nobody else has
Took a real interest
Really tried to understand

Mind.
blown.

I walked away from our chat
with a smile on my face
and a hope in my heart
as it's a different case

Words cannot capture
how grateful I am
to have someone to talk to
I'm not shut like a clam

You give me joy and hope
which is sometimes hard to find
You also truly care
about the state of my mind

How fortunate I am
to know someone like you
that makes my days seem less blue
amidst all of this
all the world is going through
and having to be distant,
which is sad but true
I'm definitely continuing to fall for you

I adjusted myself to the whims of guys who saw me as a playground

I thought that was what I had to settle for as a single girl in a world where "being casual" is an expectation

But deep down I knew
this is not what I wanted to do.

But if I did any less, I still felt sad
People pleasing is what makes me glad

My religious upbringing and morals caused me to see intimacy as something more
Having fun with no feelings is not what I was destined for
Through trial and error I learned more.

Who am I?
What lights my fire?
What is my actual true desire?

Being intimate with someone who actually cares about me
Who sees me as more than an amusement ride that is free

I encourage other girls in a similar position
To think hard and use their own true volition

To discover what it is that suits them best
Women should not have to settle for anything less

I care for you
And your brilliant mind
Being with you I find peace
Which is normally hard to find

Conversations
Endless and fun
You believe in me
When I think everything is done

These feelings
Are hard to describe
Normally I talk
But these thoughts I can't scribe

Alas

What do I do?
Do I tell you?

Afraid to make changes
for things to turn out wrong
to ruin
everything
keep things where they belong

I fear the repercussions
Of expressing my truth
As I've already done it
I need to get over it
Get over it, I'll try
But I'm stuck under it
Can't reach the sky

Deep down I know
You don't feel the same
So repression shall win
In this heartbreaking game