Is there any
catching you
before I fall away?
Because I am finally tired
of falling apart
and feeling small
in a big way

Even in times of uncertainty,
you are my only dream:
if this dream is turning
into my greatest nightmare
where I stood tall,
ready to give you the earth,
mountains and seas
only to watch you leave,
then I will just leave
before I hit the ground

There’s no need to panic,
I’m not gonna freak out,
I know you’re coming with me
I will wait patiently,
take personal time
to become whole-
stop walking away
before you miss ‘us’
and find yourself up late,
all alone
playing our favorite re-runs
looking for the same escape
that you’ve left me in
to re-learn how to grow

We started out on
a rocky landing,
my mentality set in dismay
only for the road to crumble
right when your heart
wasn’t set on giving up,
and to hold on in the way
that you have,
I can’t tell you less than
it was a life you saved
in order to create
our new world
and be on the right path

And it was then when
I became forever yours;
we shouldn’t dispose of
the sweat and tears
used to keep this road paved,
right when I’m about to
turn the corner-
we’re hanging on
by one last wish,
and if you’d have me
I’d like it to be long-lasting
because our love,
it flows automatic

I hope you sometimes
play Where I Want To Be
and think of me,
because I never could
say it better,
“you are my song”
and my love,
it burns endlessly
to show you that
I will grow at hyper speed
because with you
I’m a part of something,
finally

But there are greater things
than myself, like how
your presence
is comfort and four-leaf
clovers, a place
of hummingbird healing
and feminine grace
where time stands still,
and in the stillness
ceases my torture,
until I become the one
who wants to
keep you safe

I can’t imagine a life vacant
of these moments
but they’re slowly
turning over
into memories
that don’t seem fair to keep
or hold onto

If what you’re considering
is goodbye
instead of the start
of something new
then all I can say is,
“please don’t forget
to inhale//exhale-
I love you still,
I will do more than try
but we must find patience
within the phases
of the moon
if we want our stars
to stay alight”

Spirit in the body,
blood pumping
through the heart,
we are the masters
of our creation,
something that mostly
tears us apart

Ideals send us on
a merry-go-round
of chasing after something
with no sure fire chance
it will actually pan out

If the alternative
is to stop believing in
better reason
that feels cemented
than we’re deluded
because solid ground
is all I’m after,
not just for myself-
I hope everyone
gets at least
one wish granted

I’d ask for the return
of my lover,
but that is neither
here nor there,
some things blossom
when they’re set free:
what do you wish for
in the reckoning
of life’s despair?
Give me your honesty

I remember the grass,
my fingertips twirling between
the blades,
and the rays of heat
as they give life
to keep the past
in the present-
a dietary aid
to all,
with trees to provide
some shade

I had forgotten
because I hid inside
four walls that weren’t
just physical
but of the mind:
closed off to nature
and the care that
my loved ones deserved

Gradually,
the seeds have been sown
for I am outside again
learning about hard work
with hummingbirds
that mew in the wind
and bees buzzing
as they collect their due
from this life giving earth,
the one right underneath
that I always forget
to appreciate,
but will forever
find my way back
to her
and her healing ways

How does one love here
eternally,
when it is seemingly
ambiguous
With no happily ever after?
Evasive to perception,
yet somehow within us
only to be without,
never to stagnate
unless we fill our cups
with doubt

Ineffable, we’re all ****** up,
spiraling-
was this inevitable?
Lacking in honor;
devastation, She may instead
choose to watch the world burn,
we animals have
come unglued
from the fabric of
our own humanity-
lest we forget,
we are animals too

And we’ve disconnected
from the alchemy
beyond senses dull touch,
because access starts
from within
to be with out,
yet most of us sit around
reveling in drugs and lust

Compassion
lacks an identity,
it only gives to exist
so what is it that set us
up this climb
of forced actualities
that are actually
meaningless?

We circulate an eternal
notion of control,
pacing concrete
and calling it purpose
instead of settling
into our dark abyss
and finding acceptance
underneath the
surface

Silence is golden
so I’ll watch you float away
in the lack of noise
you desperately need
after our lifetime of chaos
it is only fair
to let you ascend

If I’ll never find this love again
then I’ll hold it as close
as our Bellingham days
where I wish the breeze
and purple skies
would have let me
let you under my skin
oh, what we could have been

But wishing is fools gold
and the present reels in
so I will let myself
live out these moments
in a room that is candle-lit
until I can get a grip
on these distractions
and learn how to be
a friend or a husband-
even if it’s not you,
I still need to find my center
because it is my time
to ascend too

I go to bed each night
with your face
for reference
in my frame of mind
to discern musings of how
there is no shared
connection left
between the
dreams I have
of what could have been
over what came to pass

I mull over idealized trust
while settling into a pillow,
only to realize that it was
never anything more
than a beacon of lust

Enough
is enough,
I've had it up to here
with this ******* tragedy,
three years and counting,
filling the hollow spots
with a jagged cup
only to perpetuate
the savagery
of spilling
my own blood

When will ‘enough’
become a segue
to pass through valiantly
into new heights?
Where credence will
alleviate symptoms
of infinitely reaching for
a reason why I can't find
an alternate reality
outside of seeing your face
when I go to bed
each night

And after all this torture,
I think I might
put others on
a pedestal so high
that enough
could never be enough,
and after drowning in
my violent noise,
it seems that
in your silence
is where I will have to find
self-love