Will this pain of missing you ever go away?
Will the heartbreak of holidays ever go away?
Everyone says it will get easier. Well it's been 4 years and I am still waiting on some signs of it getting easier.
You brought me into this world. You taught me along the way. You showed me how to care for other people no matter what. You taught me to be strong. You taught me unconditional love. You loved me no matter what I did. You were always proud of me. You taught me so much Mom, the only thing you didn't teach me was how to live without you.
Your grandkids adored you. Their friends loved you. I loved you.
Thanksgiving hasn't been the same.
Christmas Eve surely hasn't been the same without you and grandma.
They say that to will get easier. It's been 4 years and here I am on Christmas Eve at 630 in the morning shedding  tears for you. Feeling my heart breaking. All the cherished memories are flooding back.
You forgot to teach me how to process living without you.
Never the less I love and will always miss you.
You were my Mommy, my Mother, my Mom, and most importantly you were my best friend!
Thanks Mom for loving me just the way I was and am.  
You, Dad, Grandma and Grandpa Lytle will never ever be forgotten.
Merry Christmas Mom

your words flashed quickly
                       like bolts of lightning
each.brilliantly.illuminating
     charging my perception.

words pulsed
                       from you to me
     and back again
luring me through dark mazes.

the storm lights my way
                 magnetizing our connections
                                   melding our words.

phantom thoughts
   become real
                      loom large through
                 your alluring
                                 inducements.

seduction played into
     the power
                   of the idea.

wanting more than just
               vague reminiscences
    wanting to wrap my mind around
                                 true understanding.

mysteries, enigmas --
       reaching
                              always reaching.

enticed by the unknown
      i lean in
                  drawn by an attraction
             that eludes description.

i cannot extricate myself
              from the web of enchantment.

"you've never been in a relationship with a guy before, so of course you're scared."*
no, you don't get it.
i'm not scared of them.
i'm not scared of men, i truly am not.
i'm scared of myself, because i tend to ruin everything i touch instead of
turning it into gold and i'm tired of being the one who breaks and destroys
everything and everyone around me.
i just wanna build and love and create and be filled with joy
instead of constantly feeling like i'm rotting from the inside
out.
is that too much to ask?

Time has a fickle heart...I left my memories with her thinking I could return and pick them up but they were fleeting moments she took them with her and I am left with empty pages.

if my smile is so "electric", then why the hell am i constantly running around this track to be with you when you can't even bring yourself to type out the simple word "hello"?

There's a deficiency that's hurting my mind
A serenity I'm seeking but just can't find
but I'm still searching for it though it's an onerous task
I'm looking for palms that can massage emotions
which is not too much from nature to ask
or an unrealistic expectation and a fantastic notion
I'm looking for a caring pulse to motivate my heart
to beat again since it halted from ingestion of excessive pain
I'm looking for an eye that will obviously see my scars
but find them beautiful for they represent the many times
I've stood up when I tripped and badly fell
and the wounds I've tended to till they healed
I'm looking for someone who will appreciate
how far smiles walk to reach my gloomy face
and the fight they put up to create ripples
which consequently bring the changes in the place
I'm looking for someone who has dreams but knows actuality
one who will hope for the shores but surf with me across
the ocean of life,someone who will find content in my reality
I'm looking for fingers that will forever lock with mine
a long life commitment, don't come along if with you forever isn't fine
I'm eager for one who can see right through me to witness
and appreciate the wilted garden that lies within
a vast garden which can flourish again if adequately watered
by honest affection and trustworthy care
I'm looking for a just fine person,not a perfect angel
I've had less from this life that I can't ask for that much
I'm asking for someone who'll give me second chances
because I'm bound to make mistakes, being a novice,
a debutant in a field where I have played but a game
I can take the blame all the same, but I need  
someone who won't quickly opt for the evict notice
cause I'm looking to settle,
so I want a lifetime lease in a heart for rent
I'm the incomplete one that needs the one to complete me
looking for feet that dream of cars but can walk
a Mouth that has room for silence albeit the talk
I'm looking for strength, a "for better for worse"
a sweeter story than single, a blessing not a curse
a love that will be ornamented by sizzling friendship
which will endure past stinging thorns and roughing waves
through long dark tunnels and dump flying fox pellet filled stinking caves
well aware that life is a drama,a play written by karma
yet hoping for someone with whom to write the sequel of my amour
and make a beautiful set of books of tales of loss, endurance and victory
a simple story of holding on through thick and thin,
not necessarily a breathtaking romantic piece of history
for I prefer to live in the heart of the one I deserve
in a mortality to a melancholy immortality in the mind of eternity
I would rather be loved in my life than be remembered when I'm a gonna
I want to fall apart and make up,to taste the tears and laughter
'cause no road is all smooth and no rough but the road to hell
and no story is calm all through, not even a fairytale
so if you're out there,aware life is a variegation
with varying patches of perfect imperfection,
that the Sun is cool at dusk and dawn but there are times it incinerates
pestilentially like larva emitted by an erupting volcano
then I'm looking for you,you should know