Now that you know.
I can’t bear to look at you.

Forcing your pearly whites to appear,
Forcing your hazy foggy eyes to be clear.

I can’t bear to look at you.
Not while I cried for help.

Your mind turns mechanically, going through it’s archives and researching how to solve or rather save me.

I see the exhaustion in your eyes.
I feel the ache in your chest
And I’m reminded that it’s all me.

So I smile, I wear a brand new mask that has no holes or openings for errors.
I under-think and run away from the realization that I can’t escape my depression.

I stare at my anti depressants and refuse to be complacent to its backlashes.
I stare at them and refuse to watch it fully consume and burn me right to ash.

I have a new mask.
Because now you know.

I’ll save us.
Don’t worry about me anymore.

My mask is tighter than ever.

I love you...

If and when you know that I am not okay.

How will you help me?

After all,

All I have done is cry.
All I have done is scream for help.
But now that you hear me,
Tell me

How will you help me?

I tell you
That my memory is hazy.

I tell you that perhaps it’s my head that made sure that these memories are fuzzy.

But you stare back at me.
With a wound slightly opened.
And you tell me
“Maybe it’s all just really in your head”

That doesn’t help.

I really dont know
How i feel at all, but i
Want to feel loved please.

.

“You’re the one that I lean on”

Emotions
Emotions
Emotions.

How do I expose my ulterior when I had shut down my interior.
My motives remain different but still plastered with the same smile I put out on my exterior.

But this.
Slightly different.
Wholly honest.
Well I would hope so.
After all this is a piece with the heat of the moment.

Black and white.
White paper, black ink.
Nothing more, hopefully nothing less of the truth.

Within, without your pain or mine.
I want you to have your specific happy ending.

If you do believe that happiness is non existent and your toxic fully carries you and makes you feel.
Nothing to do with being alive. It just makes you feel.

Then let your toxic consume till the day your soul tells you otherwise and pleads for you to settle.

Let what you want and dream of happen now.
I wish you nothing but all that you desire.

There’s never ever any negativity that I would wish for you.

But admittedly my pain will always be written and if you take it as a jab to your chest.
Truly do not.

I only express my truth to poetry.
Don’t let it make you think negative of yourself.
Allow it to show that I’m human, I hurt, I feel, I love and laugh.

Just find your own Happy ending.
I’m radiating positivity to you.

Imagine to my surprise when I say.
"You're my soul mate"
"You're my sole date"
"Yet we can't be because of fate"

Imagine to my dismay when he told me.
"She doesn't love right"
"She does't believe in it and so she fights all these emotions with all her might"

Imagine to my chest when,
It heaves
When each breath comes with a tug of pain.
And each beat with a realisation that we cannot be.

I cry.
I scream to the top of my lungs because I know what I want.
"Why doesn't she want me back?"
My soul keeps asking and my spirits keep shaking.
Nodding it's head no!
It doesn't make sense.
Why is the universe so over the fence about us?

Imagine to my soul the pain.
The emotional heart strain.
Truly can I not find and accept love in you?

You're my soul mate.
My one true fate.
So why can I not get closer?
Why must you be so far and so cold to me.

In this epiphany I see no us but I feel all of us.
It shouldn't be like this! If I don't get you at the end of the day.
If our souls cannot merge and become one.
Why must my soul convulse  and be torn from limb to limb.

Imagine my sheer disappointment
When knowing my one true cannot be my only true.

Panda this goes out to you.

I am accepting that the universe has linked us to be two of the same but not enough to be one.
It just affects me mentally knowing that what should be my other half is half of someone that I once was and cannot wholly be forever.

It affects me to notice how we synchronise yet we end up breaking apart.
The complexity behind what we had mistaken for simplicity.
Isn't there just a way for us to restart?

To meet in an alternation whereby our souls remain the same yet allow for the two of us to become one?
A universe that allows this to not end in such a dull dark way?

Can't I get a proper ending with you?
You're the soul mate that could be a star crossed lover.
Yet why haven't and why can I not fully experience us?