I once drove a brand new car ,and lived in a nice apartment.
But now I'm dirt poor, and I live down by the lake in a tent.
I get angry because of people's attitudes.
People laugh at me because I eat dog food.
I eat it every day because it's cheap.
People laugh because they're creeps.
I started eating dog food because I saw David Letterman do it.
It looked mighty tasty when I saw him chew it.
I eat it at the beach, while riding on buses and subways, and at the park.
I'm getting worried because all of that dog food has started making me bark.
I've also started licking my ****, and fetching sticks.
When women see me eat dog food, it makes them sick.
If you're wondering if I'll quit, the answer is no.
I'll never stop eating dog food, I need my Alpo.
Please don't point and laugh at me, please don't be rude.
Everybody thinks that I'm a freak because I eat dog food.

Arthenia was my aunt and she was as kind as she could be.
She was a loving mother and wife who lived in Sneedville, Tennessee.
She was appreciated by her husband and the three children that she had.
Now she's in Heaven which is a better place, she's with my mom and dad.
When we lose somebody special, we always ask why.
Her daughter and sons names are Hope, Dennis and Levi.
She was married to my uncle for 43 years.
It's really sad because she's no longer here.
When such a special person dies, it's a shame.
She was unique and Arthenia was her name.

Many people know how important you were to me.
If you hadn't died, today you would've turned seventy.
You were a kind woman who loved to give.
I would've done anything if you could've lived.

You could no longer be my BFF, you weren't able to be my best friend forever.
Sadly, on the day of your death, our bond of friendship and love was severed.
On your last birthday, we celebrated when I bought you a cake.
Your memory is something that I won't forget or forsake.

I turned out to be a good person and it's because of you.
You raised me and taught me to have morals and values.
The doctors couldn't save you but they certainly did try.
Happy Birthday Mom, I'll love you until the day that I die.

I charged a town full of hicks ten thousand bucks to make it rain.
They said if there was no precipitation, I would be in a lot of pain.
They were desperate for rain because of a three month drought.
They actually paid in full, I can't believe they paid that amount.
What they didn't know was that when it comes to making rain, I don't know what to do.
Those hicks knocked all of my teeth out and now I can't even chew.
Those hillbillies also lit a match after dunking me in a barrel of kerosene.
I knew they would be angry but I had no idea they would be quite so mean.
Now I'm in the hospital and I have 3rd degree burns.
Don't ever con hicks, that's a lesson I have learned.

My dream came true when I became a referee.
But my heart is broken because they fired me.
I was told that I couldn't be a referee again.
They said it's because I can't count to ten.
1-2-3-4, that's as high as I can count.
I can't get to ten, I can't reach that amount.
I dropped out of school too early, that's why I'm so stupid.
I dropped out of Kindergarten when I was a five year old kid.
Kids shouldn't drop out because knowledge is a tool.
They will have a better future if they stay in school.

I filed for divorce because my wife did something strange.
She went behind my back and had a *** change.
When I came home one afternoon, a man answered the door.
I thought it was a burglar so I knocked my wife to the floor.
When I learned that she became a man, I got mad.
I lost the beautiful and **** wife that I once had.
She said even though she became a man, I should still love her.
I told her that I already have a ***** and I don't need another.
When I packed my bags and left her for good, she said it was a lousy thing to do.
If you're a man, keep an eye on your wife because she may have a *** change too.

A judge ordered me to pay my ex-wife alimony.
I told him that his ruling was a bunch of baloney.
I refused to pay her anything because while we were married, she cheated.
She broke her wedding vows, it was a shameful way for me to be treated.
When I refused to pay alimony, the judge sent me to jail.
I've been ***** ten times by the man who shares  my cell.
It was the principle of the thing, that's why I refused to pay.
My cellmate is about to violate me again, I've had better days.
I hope a cop or prison guard can hear me as I begin to shout.
I'll pay my ex-wife whatever she wants if they'll let me out.