Do you miss me?

An absent voice, a faded smile,
two red-rimmed eyes
that avoid your own;

A heart that once opened,
a beautiful, elegant vulnerability,
now solidified into stone.

Or maybe
you haven't noticed
anything wrong.

Truthfully,
I relapse with a smile
and contemplate suicide
with a giggle;
because our society dictates
happiness, extroversion, ambition
should be carried even to
a grave dictated by
ourselves.

they roll off my tongue--
delirium, phantom, epigrams--
a complex combination of letters
with aesthetic effect to complete
the wondrous effect.

but in the end
**** everything
a foreign word
to my sensitive fingers
and ajar mouth

because while I've engrossed myself
in literary beauty, tracing the structure of words
I completely forgot the true purpose:
to convey meaning,
to explore expression,
to change.

So ****
**** everything
let that profanity
sit on my fingertips;
a commonplace weapon
against the word
dealing me a cruel hand.

remember
forget-me-nots swaying
in the gentle breeze that hums
while the sun sends
another series of bright rays
into our eyes
for yet another day.

It hurts less
when I pretend your name
is a foreign, unexplored word,
the creases in the vowels
like sunken ships
I've never seen,
thought of
dreamt of
before.

today I breathe--
without you
but instead of pain
there lingers serenity
calming butterflies
at my core;
palms faced upwards,
I heal.

I replay
the uproarious sound of your kidneys
at 4 AM; you tucked in a comfortable quilted bed,
and the curve of your glistening elbow
resembling the crescent moon
that my eyes averted from
because they fixated on you
instead.