Helen and Bill
were out camping
with their little kids
Annie and Sam

and Bill killed a deer
out there in the open
and his wife cooked it
and the kids
Annie and Sam
came after their swim
for their lunch

and the kids asked their dad:
“What’s for lunch?”
Bill hushed his  wife and he said
to the kids:
“Guess what meat it is,
children.
Here’s a clue:
Think of what mom
calls me other than my name”

And  Annie screamed:
*“Don’t eat it, Sam!
It’s an *******!”

I was at the entrance
of the high-rise apartments
and I phoned my grandma upstairs
and she offered me her instructions:
“Well, Josie…I’m at 354
you got to hit the green, square button
with your elbow
at the entrance where you are;
and I’ll release open the glass doors
and then go to the lift on the right
and punch the button with your elbow
and then get in and punch 3
with your elbow
and then when you are up on 3
look for Unit 54
and punch on its button with your elbow
and I’ll open the door”

“OK, easy, grandma…
But why am I punching all these
buttons with my elbow?”

“What?” my grandma screamed.
*“You mean you are coming empty-handed?”

1)
There are three letters
which form strange company -
that's, let me announce them:
C, P and E
(audience claps; C, P and E bow)

2)
Which word
(this may sound a little twisted)
begins and ends with the same one letter of the three -
and yet, impossibly, has only one letter?
That's E - as in an envelope, see?
and it's only got one letter!
...ha,ha...he, he, he...
(audience laughs, E grins)

3)
And now, of these three -
C, P and E -
which holds most water?
(audience, please,  look puzzled)
Why, C - C has the most water, see?
...he, he, he...
(wave of tolerant laughter sweeps over the audience)


4)
And now for the finale
(audience shows signs of impatience;
C, P and E appear nonchalant):
What starts with the letter P
and ends with the letter E
and - wait for this -
has thousands of letters?
da, da, di, da, da, di, dum...hmmm?
well...the....POST OFFICE!
(the audience does not laugh
as most nowadays
don't know what a post office is -
just look at each potbelly;
C, P and E nevertheless take a bow)

-----------------------------------------
(audience heaves sigh of relief
as they leave)

it grieves me
the major dictionaries
cannot agree
on the longest word
in the English Language

The Oxford English proposes:
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
Merriam­-Webster champions:
electroencephalographically
and others list: floccinaucinihilipilification -
but look, I am no counterrevolutionary
and I'm not attempting any deinstitutionalisation
but really the longest word in the English Language
(and let's settle this once and for all, amicably) is:
SMILE
Why?
because there's a mile between S and E...
You see? Easy!
Makes you wonder if
the editors of major dictionaries
are *visuallyintellectuallyfacialmuscularlychallenged

dog bites man;
man bites back

dog turns round
faces the man
and dog barks:
"Do not bite -
it is not man nature;
besides, your canines
are not sharp
Now I will bite again
where it hurts most
so you'll never forget
dog nature"

dog bites man;
man runs
like a match-stick man

1)
at dinner
the kid asks Dad:
“Dad, do caterpillars
taste good to eat?”
“Be quiet,” says Dad
“I’ve told you many times
never talk crude”
“Yeah, Jason,” interjects
Dad’s darling little girl
“Never talk crude”

“Yeah, but I only asked cos
I just saw Dad eat
his salad
and the wriggling caterpillar;
and Dad even licked his lips
straight after”

Dad orders the kid
straight up to bed –
and not to come down
till morning


2)
Seconds later
Jason hollers
from upstairs:
“Dad, can you bring me
a glass of water?”

Dad screams:
“Shut up and sleep!”

A minute later
Jason hollers again:
“Dad, can you bring me
a glass of water?”

“One more word from you,”
screams Dad
“and I’ll come up there
and spank you!”


And swift comes Jason’s reply:
*“Dad, when you come up to spank me
can you bring me a glass of water?”

I was watching TV
and the topic on the Geriatrics Show
was Life Support Systems -
you know, about how people are kept
on pipes and machines and tubes and liquid
and I hollered to my wife in the kitchen:
“Darling, if ever I become life-dependent
on liquids and machines, just get rid of ‘em
and free me…”

“Sure thing,” my faithful wife said
and she turned off the TV
and my cell phone and my laptop
and she emptied my bottles of wine and whisky
and then she turned to me and she said:
*“I just freed you.”

1)  THE INVITATION

Mr and Mrs Smith
thought they'd need
(Oh, just for fun)
a change of guests they had
so they invited Death
for a meal, via email
“Hello, would you care
to come for dinner?
6pm will be fine.”
And Death said yes,
but he wanted to know:
Is that a death wish?
And he was working at home
so he continued deleting
names on his database


2)  DINNER

And it was dinner
and Mrs Smith rolled
her eyes, and patted her curls
and Death said:
“You trying to flirt with me?”
And then they played cards
and Death looked
at Mr Smith dealing
and he groaned:
“You trying to cheat me?”
And Mrs Smith said:
“How would you like your dinner?”
And Death said: "Always cold for me.”
And Mr and Mrs Smith thought
it was time for their guest to go
but Death said:
*“I’ll have you know
nobody tells me when to come or go”

so we are at the operating table
and we work slowly and deliberately
with the patient between us
and I say to you:
I'm a little nervous
And you say to me:
You? But you've got so much experience

And I say to you:
Yeah, but if i ***** up this one,
my insurance company has advised,
I'll be at the end of my quota of cases
for my malpractice insurance

And you don't say anything
just that, behind that mask,
you've got your mouth agape

Dad was dying, breathing his last -
would Mark be sad or glad?
Glad - why not? Since Dad’s
a multi-billionaire
and Mark’s the only child
and all things will go to Mark,
to no one else

Mark ’s happy the doctors
said it ’s anytime now
and he must make arrangements
so he asked his long-time,
indecisive sweetheart:
“Hey, Helen baby – my dad’s dying
and I’ll inherit everything
So you got to decide now -
come home with me?”
“Sure thing,” Helen said
as instant as noodles
And Mark and Helen got home -
and look, to make a long story short,
that’s how Helen became Mark's step-ma
And Mark’s sitting in the garden shed
still licking his wounds

Hi mate…ya, I’m in for
housebreaking and trespassing
and robbery, all in one, ya

Well, I, **** I broke into this mansion
and hey, I picked up lots of rare stuff
precious little things that’d fetch much money
later at the thieves’ market, ya
And I threw them into my handy bag
and then I found myself in the kitchen
and fixed myself a drink, ya
and the sofa was nice
so I sat down to have my drink, ya -
some rich man’s fancy wine or French luxury,
or whatever it was, ya

And it was comfy in the sofa
and the drink I had another
and it was so comfy I went to sleep, ya
and the next moment
the police were there
It wasn’t a dream, ya
It seemed the ****** owners had come in
while I was asleep
and they’d call the police, ya –
****! I’ve always had this habit
of sleeping on the job, ya!

And that's how
I **** got landed here, mate

The smoker
I bought some rare cigars;
had them insured against fire
And by three months later
I’d lost them all
in a series of small fires
But the ****** insurance company
wouldn’t pay
so I sued them


The judge
I’ve looked at all the evidence
and I accept the cigars had been
indeed destroyed
by a “series of small fires”
and so I order
the company to pay the insured
the sum of $15 000


The insurance company
We paid - we didn’t
want a prolonged legal case;
but now we are taking  the client
to court
as it’s clear through
the very evidence he submitted
he caused the “series of small fires”


The judge*
I find the insurance
company’s former client
guilty of arson;
and furthermore I order that
the man serve prison
a year each for each count
and so, to make it clear,
to see past all the smoke:
that’s 24 years in jail for arson

C
is confused, so a little complex
I mean, one moment it’s top of the range
glowing
in the hierarchy of vitamins
but next it’s a little abashed and low
in a student’s report card –
you know, C is not as good as an A
And so can you blame C for its mood swings?
Its agony continues:
one instant C is Calm, in another it’s a Curse


And you know it also feels a little wanting
a little under-stretched, not fulfilled
like not being able to complete
all the stretching exercises
its fitness trainer metes out
“O, if only I could be a little more yogic,”
C intones
“I’d be as composed as an O” -
but O no, that’s not to be

And don’t you start
on the indignant possibilities
of the letter C, for C has always aspired
you see
to be genteel, cultured and debonair
and curls with disgust if the uncouth
should use the letter  
to refer to any body parts,
be it that of male or of female
So, dear mortals, C should be left in celestial spheres

And so, in conclusion,
one Commandment I give unto you:
*Never drag C to ****** shallows

B always felt incomplete
felt half
like something  was always missing
so it consulted a psychiatrist who said:
“Try saying: ‘I am B and it’s good to B me!’”
But it only worked for eight days

B tried filling itself with liquor
and it did feel full
but it only lasted eight hours

it also tried reading all books
and tried Shakespeare too
especially the immortal lines:
“To be or not to be”  –
But the elation, it only lasted eight days


and then at last
B saw 8 on the front door
and B knew why it’d always
felt incomplete
half
like something was always missing
and it coupled with a B
which was born the other way round
But soon the Alphabet Morals Police
came round
and separated them
so B was just incomplete again

And B sighed:
“Some things are just meant to B -
so just let it be”

I’ve been foraging lately for a simile
to show how Supreme Office is -
what it means to be here
just as any other office in the corporate world

Well, I’ve got it now, I think -
ever seen a tree of monkeys?
There are chattering monkeys
everywhere
at every level
every branch
above and below -
well, Supreme Office is just like that:
*the monkeys above see
ingratiating, smiling monkeys below;
and the monkeys below see nothing
but ******* above

So this New Boy just graduated
from The Top University and Full Honors
and all that jazz and the Right Degrees
(none of the arts and philosophy and poetry
and all that crap)
walks into Supreme Office
for his interview
and the HR and PR and Admin and the CEO
and the SR and the RR and DDR and the RRRR
(don’t ask me what they are – they just are  rrrrrr)
and so the CEO asks our Golden Child Prodigy:
“You got all the top degrees and qualifications
You’re the brightest mind just out of University –
what’d do you expect for pay here at Supreme Office
if you make it to a chair and table?”

“A pay that will put $100K in my pocket
to take home the first year, and it will be more
each passing year”

“What about,” says the CEO, with that cold smile
that matches the Golden Boy’s enamel smile
“if I said we offer you above that
and a month’s paid leave, a secretary
and a room all to yourself and chauffer-driven car
even in the weekends
and all medical, insurance
dental and tropical vacations all paid for?
What’d do you say?”

“You’re kidding, right?” says Bright Kid Business Mozart
with that rising-star lean and sneer


“Of course I am,” says the CEO
*“But don’t blame me for the joke – you started it…”

OK, I’m working at Supreme Office -
right -
and we got this colleague of mine
(yeah, what’s his name? – Luke, right -
optimistic, high-achiever, destined
to the top of the Corporate Ladder)
and he’s observed me
and he nudges me at the coffee-corner:
“Hey, Sam…why don’t you, mate,
do what can be done today
instead of pushing it off till tomorrow?”

And I say:
*“Well, just on the possibility
I might be sacked today
so I don’t have to do what I
position for tomorrow”

they all turn up as friends at first
our friendly and warm-hug super powers
with their supercilious smiles and handouts
they come with nice words and packages
and promise of development and infrastructure
and bearing gifts and loans
and remarking on affinities
and history and culture
and they throw in aid and money
and promise of riches and wealth
but they all turn bad guys
all these friendly super powers
they want  a presence first
and then
you are theirs, time present and future
they turn up with new-year fireworks and promises
and then they want to invade your country
and they want to make you theirs
they all turn up bad guys
don't they
these friendly super powers -
and their warm hugs turn into bear hugs

the other day
seated in his office
I asked my stubborn, mean-looking
bushy-eyebrows editor
if he’d consider two books:
“Short Stories for Real Short People”
and “Truly Tall Tales for Tall People”

and he sat back with that air
(actually, made you think he wanted to release air)
and he said:
“You’ll get shot for titles like that…
'Short Stories for Real Short People'
will directly offend people
who are vertically challenged
And the same people would shoot you
for excluding them by implication
in the epithet 'Tall' –
They’ll sure shoot you for that…
They’re both just politically incorrect”

And I leaned forward
(releasing air myself –
anything he can do, I can do better!)
and I said:
“Sure, it’s not politically correct – but it sure
ain’t psychologically correct, given our times,
to speak of shooting while we are in an office”

I hear the Editor no longer works there
and is now in some publishing house
who are specialists  in books on Accounting
and Engineering
where he knows, for sure, I’m never likely to go

1
In this dark, cruel and callous world
it’s optimists ar’ always good to me -
they lend me a thousand dollars
and when I don’t return
they don’t get discouraged
they convince themselves I’ll pay up soon
“Tomorrow,” they nod sagaciously
Yeah, tomorrow
And even when they get mad and furious
all I have to do is to offer them half a glass

2
To ‘em optimists
I’m full of gratitude
cos when I  ‘s a kid
and skinned their cats
and stole their lawn mowers
and silverware
and put them up for sale in the same
street
they stood agape and said:
“This kid, one day he’ll be a great entrepreneur”


3
I love optimists
cos even though my parents cursed
“We never really wanted you”;
and my wife confesses every other night:
“I married you for all the stolen money
and will dump you
and claim half of every dollar and property”;
and my kids keep pestering me:
“When will you die?
Have you written your will?” -
optimists tell me:
“The universe loves you;
reach out, and the universe reaches out to you”
Hey, you get more love from strangers
than from family

4
And of course
let me not forget Destiny’s plan
for optimists in my life
cos even after the fourth ******
for which I was found guilty
(never mind the six undiscovered)
the optimists in the legal system and
Friends of the Maladjusted
got me out in seven-a-weeks, with the hope:
” This time, surely, he will change
for the better”

Ah, what’ll I do without  ‘em optimists? -
bless ‘em all, and keep ‘em alive
for I’m planning my next killing

Pessimists are good lenders -
because they know
I’ll never return what I borrow
and it’s not worth trying to get
me to return anything

Pessimists are honest
because they tell me I’m horrid
and worthless and have no talent –
whereas my wife tells me lies about how
unique and fantastic I am
and how I’m destined
for greatness and fame
the same lies my parents and teachers
and all the sugary people in my life
told me to believe in
and so brought me to grief and megalomania–
better a pessimist than incorrigible liars

Pessimists let me do what I want:
jump the queue, rob them in daylight
steal their cars and take what I like -
because they say, with a helpless shrug:
“That’s human nature – especially people of his kind!”

Pessimists tell me the world will end tomorrow
that I’m destined for hell and I’ll never come to good –
hey, that allows me reason never to try
enjoy life for the moment
and just cruise along and let everybody else
die of stress and work-addiction

*Pessimists I love
for they validate everything I do ;
truly, they were made for me,
for they make my every wrong right…bless ‘em pessimists

My straight back is broken
I can hardly keep an upright posture now
as I once used to
but my spirit is not broken,  Sirs
And though I lean on a walking stick
which is my devoted companion -
more useful to me than a daughter or son
(my wife passed on , Sirs
poor woman she went three years ago) -
I still have my dignity, a sense of my worth, Sirs
O you who enquire where I come from -
where I come from is the past, Sirs, truly
(I do not mean to be insolent in that)
for truly time has eaten much of my memory
and all that was mine or familiar
or what was worth holding on to
The streets here are my home, Sirs
so I know my present
what corner I can find
when the bones are weary;
but otherwise I wander the streets
where my legs will carry me
and where the city police will let me;
and where there are no street urchins, I tarry
And I have naught to do but observe
the energetic world go by
(a world wearied in its own drive)
with which I am disconnected
And that has no personal meaning for me
except for its occasional kindness
But that Sirs, if I may go now, is my beginning and end
and all that which is mine…as my wife might say,
and she said, as the good woman died:
*Well, if it pleases you or not, I must go now

perhaps it is today
that he will return
walking up
the bend down the road

he said he’d come back
when the lights are dim
over the earth
"I’ll bring," he said,
"enough food and money
to see us through many days"

the children have waited
with silent eyes
and I tell them
each dusk:
“It is tonight
your father will return”

but I have waited
a month – two, three it seems
and the force slips in my voice
though I keep my heart and hope strong

perhaps it is today
that he will return
walking up
the bend down the road

(WARNING: some of you may not find this to your taste)


SONG of the ROYAL FOOD-TASTER
It’s always feast day
at the Court of King Eatmore
and Queen Yumyum
Bring it on, dish after dish -
anything that’s Meat, we’ll eat
When I arrived at Court
from my far-off village
I was but skin and bones
Now as Trusted Royal Taster
I am as big as Her Majesty’s –
Burp! – ****


SONG of the ROYAL JESTER
Bring it on
anything that moves
We’ll spike it through
for the spit -
with the spike through the mouth
and coming out the other end
For what is man and woman
King and Queen
but a mouth open
and a releasing rear?


CHORUS
Oh let us eat, eat, eat
drink and sate and ingratiate
We love
anything that crawls or creeps
or flies or moves
We can crunch and munch and digest
and add to our folds and waves -
for the World-sized King he said:
“Bring it IN!  Something local,
anything Exotic! Bring it IN!”
And the Immense Queen she screamed:
“Cream! Cream! Cream! More Cream
and Oil on my Pig’s Head!”


SONG of the ROYAL JESTER**
Ah, for what else did Nature fashion
life to be? – one way in and one way out
and lots to retain
Humanity is but a mouth and an ****
connected well in an ever-emptying barrel

I accompanied my master
to the Town market
and on the way back
we had to cross a swelling river

A young woman stood there crying
and she knelt before my master
begging him to carry her across;
and with no second thought
he carried her on his back and took her across
the rapid waters

he left her on the other side of the river
and she bowed and went on her way;
and my Master and I went on our ours

But I was not happy
and did not speak
till we stopped to rest, and I blurted out:
You carried a woman across the river
and she clung to your back -
her body close and tight to yours!

And my master said:
*It appears I left her at the river bank
while you still continue to carry the woman

the practical city man –
executive, driven, productive -
so used to due diligence
always pursuing the best deal
goes to the Zen Master
and asks how long it’d take
to reach clear mastery
“Ten years,” says the Master

“But,” says the would-be student
“I’m willing to throw in double the time
your most diligent student puts in
and applying the principles of productivity -
how long will it take me then?”

“Twenty years,” says the Master

1
whether the weather has changed
or whether the weather is just the same
whether you are a weather skeptic
or a weather septic, or doomsday climatologist –
horribly or incorrigibly either way –
the weather has its field day, and ocean day
either way, trumping all our noses
whatever our beliefs
each day

2
Just a matter of routine
the other day,
all in a day’s work -
roar and boom! went the earthquake
over the city, and everything was rubble –
well, what could be worse than that?
swoosh and **** next it sounded
we had a tsunami coming over –
"Hey, we’re just being helpful," said the deluge
"We’re just washing everything away"

Just a matter of routine the other day
all in a day’s work
Said the hurricane to the coconut trees
along glossy Eden’s shores:
"Hold on to your nuts, you tall fellas -
this is no ordinary ******* you’re gonna get!"
And far out at sea
where Noah might have gone
where ocean meets ocean,
one ocean waved to the other
and beat his chest:
"Did you sea what I just did?"
And irriatted with the silence
it said: “I’m sure you did, beach!"

Just a matter of routine the other day
all in a day’s work

got myself a donkey yesterday

got myself a donkey yesterday

and tethered it out there in the yard;

but when I looked out the window

I noticed
it looked glum, moody and testy

so I went out to see what I could do
I tickled my donkey 

and he cackled and laughed a lot

and he hee-hawed aloud -

but yeah, you can bet your ****

I got the bigger kick out of it


my donkey died

You remember the donkey

I bought some time ago? 

Well, I stopped feeding it for a week

and the stupid animal died 

just as it was finally learning to survive

on clean air, positive thoughts and vibes


that's a donkey on the table

so my donkey died

and in my grief I lay it on the best table

and I drank and drank



and people who came to mourn

brought some hay

but some of them said, after two days

(and I was still drinking-mourning):

"You can't just leave that lyin' on the table

"


"That's not a lion, you idiot!
"
I barked at each one of them
"That's my donkey on the table!
"
And so I'd demonstrated my ability

to stay sober

and retain my ****-picuity

in spite of days of grief

and like me I am sure you too

cannot but marvel at people's inability

to distinguish between a lion and a donkey


donkey ride

now that my donkey is dead

it makes me reminisce

about the good times we had

____



We were in the car

my donkey and I 

as I took it for a weekend ride

which was my habit



And a traffic cop stopped us 

and he said:

“Hey, what you doing 

with a donkey in the car?

Take it to the zoo”

*

The next weekend that same cop

stopped us

and he asked me:

“Still with that donkey?

I thought I told you to take it

to the zoo"



“Oh, I did,”* I replied

“and we enjoyed it so much

That was an excellent idea, thank you

Now we’re going to the beach”



donkey at the cinema*

the other time 

my donkey insisted

I take it to the cinema

and so I did - 
not that I got a kick out of it

but just so that I *didn't get a kick



anyways 

we were watching the movie

when the guy seated next to donkey

said: "Hey, you're a donkey. 

What 'r' you doing in the cinema? "

*


And donkey replied:

" I reviewed the book;

now I'm here to review the movie"

the other time
my donkey insisted
I take it to the cinema
and so I did -
not that I got a kick out of it
but just so that I didn't get a kick

anyways
we were watching the movie
when the guy seated next to donkey
said: "Hey, you're a donkey.
What 'r' you doing in the cinema? "

And donkey replied:
*" I reviewed the book;
now I'm here to review the movie"

now that my donkey is dead
it makes me reminisce
about the good times we had*
________

We were in the car
my donkey and I
as I took it for a weekend ride
which was my habit

And a traffic cop stopped us
and he said:
“Hey, what you doing
with a donkey in the car?
Take it to the zoo”

The next weekend that same cop
stopped us
and he asked me:
“Still with that donkey?
I thought I told you to take it
to the zoo"

“Oh, I did,” I replied
*“and we enjoyed it so much
That was an excellent idea, thank you
Now we’re going to the beach”

so my donkey died
and in my grief I lay it on the best table
and I drank and drank

and people who came to mourn
brought some hay
but some of them said, after two days
(and I was still drinking-mourning):
You can't just leave that lyin' on the table

That's not a lion, you idiot!
I retorted to each one of them
That's my donkey on the table!
And so I'd demonstrated my ability
to stay sober
and retain my ****-picuity
in spite of days of grief
and like me I am sure you too
cannot but marvel at people's inability
to distinguish between a lion and a donkey

You remember the donkey
I bought some time ago?
Well, I stopped feeding it for a week
and the stupid animal died
just as it was finally learning to survive
on clean air, positive thoughts and vibes

Hey, met any hot chicks lately?
Yeah, that peahen is looking at me,
soon the others will too -
not at you, buddy…Oh yeah.  Get real.

Just wait till I display my train of shimmering colors
and you’ll see the peahens making a beeline for me -
and you’ll have to bury your head
in the ground for shame
like those silly ostriches do…
All males have their self-esteem hurt in my presence, sure;
you’re no exception – don’t feel too bad…you’re just bad…
The last time I displayed my train,
hey - I caused mayhem in the ancient Indian forests
as the peahens went wild…
that’s why they’ve placed a ban on me
in the land
and how I ended up in this reserve
but I’m not the one to worry,
yeah, brother
you’d better step aside
and let me show you how

I call it the Kama Sutra of the Peacock  Gyrations -
learn a bite or a posture and you might
be able to put your gene-stamp
on future generations…
now if you’ll excuse me,
I’ve got a thing or two to do
with these peahens clamoring
for a peck and a neck leading
vigorously to do
the mating dance with me

Anne and I were walking
down in the country
when we saw a lake
and a frog at its edge
“Ladies,” it croaked
“Will one of you give me a kiss? –
I was a fantastic saxophone player
and a country witch turned me
into a green frog”

I knelt down and picked up the frog
and threw him in my pocket
and buttoned up
so the creature couldn’t escape
and I resumed walking

“Sue,” said Anne to me
“Are you nuts?
The frog said it’ll turn
into a fantastic saxophone player -
so why don’t you or I  kiss it?”

“Anne,” I replied,
*“it’s you who's nuts
We’d make more money
with a talking frog anytime
than with a  saxophone dummy”

It’s all in a librarian’s day
surrounded by books
and serving people who pretend
to be book lovers
when they’ve just come in to escape
the heat or the winter cold

Books for Politicians?
Try the Fiction Section
Books on Houdini?
I’m afraid they’ve all disappeared
Books on Camouflage?
They’re in the Computers Section –
of course it makes sense, just think about it
Books on Suicide?* – They’re on the third floor
but be warned: once borrowed, they’re never returned
Just like books on amnesia are usually returned, if ever,
long past due date
Books on Making Money On The Stock Exchange?
We used them all for toilet paper
during the GFC Library Fund Cuts

Recommended titles in Romantic Fiction?
“I’ll Love You Forever” “Faithful All Days”
“My Life Is Yours – Absolutely”  “Love, Yes; ***, No”
“Only You Count” “Guide To A Happy Marriage”

The Classics Section? – That’s where we keep the books
which are most praised, but least read
and most people don’t go past the Contents page
and a decent percentage give up reading forever

Did you find the movie better than the book?
Well, you should never judge a book by its movie

Yeah, thieves never break into libraries
cos they know the judge will give them long sentences

*Oh, thank you for your concern -
I just slipped cos, after all, this is non-friction section

When the apostrophe disappears
from ones verse or prose
its plain to see
theres mayhem, and everyones brain is  muddled
I cant make sense of what youre saying
and the judge cant tell if the farm is
Joes or Marys or Philips
or quite literally the pigs own

And of course when it appear’s
in the wrong place’s, it get’s up
everyone’s nerve’s or nose’s;
and it cause’s an identity crisis
between its and it’s;
and its’ like ****’
(thi’s mess’ is’)–
please, please, please -
running down to one’s toe’s

It’s obvious to see
that the apostrophe -
that comma that hangs in the air -
is worth mastering
or may you hang in its stead

the day we lost A
we all went without apples
and the doctors had a field day

Anna was completely lost
and she sounded like
a mathematical notion
gone wrong;
Ali had an identity crisis –
he wondered if he was Chinese

And horrors – we didn’t have any articles
so you couldn’t say “a pen”
and you could only say “’n oven”

The bills still came in as all days
(don’t you worry about that)
but World Soccer had to be cancelled
as they didn’t have a ball
And the women
they pulled the pants off the men
and laughed:
“Where are your *****? All you’ve got are blls!"

And so the appalling day rolled on
a-less and aimless

but hey, there was one consolation:
there were no arseholes  
leading the nations of the
world that day

Descartes and Isaac Beeckman,
Monsieur de Chandoux
and Jacob Golius
are talking

Monsieur de Chandoux
asks if Descartes will attend his next lecture
and Descartes replies: “I don’t think so”
And Descartes disappears

got myself a donkey yesterday
and tethered it out there in the yard;
but when I looked out the window
I noticed
it looked glum, moody and testy
so I went out to see what I could do
I tickled my donkey
and he cackled and laughed a lot
and he hee-hawed aloud -
but yeah, you can bet your ****
I got the bigger kick out of it

Yeah, dad, I love Math class
cos something is always adding up there

like just the other day
the teacher’s plants at the window
started growing square roots
The teacher reckons that’s cos
“the windows are squares, if you notice” -
but I reckon it’s cos
we’ve mostly got squares in class

And the teacher when she thinks someone
has done something good, she says:
“Oh, you are an angle!”
and when she’s cross she goes:
“I’ve told you n times”
or “I’ve told you n+ 4 times”

Yeah, we learn lots of stuff in Math class
like next week we going to learn
about Algeria;
but I’m not sure if my Math teacher is OK
in the head though
cos one day she tells us
3+2 = 5
and another day she insists
4+1= 5
(is that what you mean
when you say mum can never make up her mind?)
And she tells me not to use my tables
and she scolds me then when I do my division
on the floor

But I’ll say one thing about her though -
she’s so passionate about Math
my teacher is
she carries around a picture
in her wallet
of a big plus sign
with a guy nailed to it

U no, eat sins two mee,
u guise knead
two loose wait
sew hear, aye woosh
two
offal ewe sum add vice

Ewe can star art
**** ditto menation
aunt u knead too exorcise
Moove eat, keep mooving
moove mulch;  doe nut ****
down two mulch, move you’re *****
inn smell poorshuns
Ant walk two da shups
in stayed off you sing da carr

Dee impotent ding
hiss da wheel
four wear they’re’s
a wheel, they’re’s all weighs
a weigh
goad lick
loose wait
anne stain hell tea

Old Ray gets up this morning
feeling a little bit let-me- fix-the-world
so he turns to his wife Old Mary
who’s reading the news in her iPad
and he resurrects his suspicion
she’s gone deaf recently

So he stands to her right and calls out her name
No answer
So he stands to her left and calls out her name
No answer
So he goes behind her and shouts out her name
and Mary, without looking up, says calmly:
“For the third and last time, Ray -
what do you want?”

And Ray
who has heard no answer thrice
thinks to himself:
*Poor Old Mary,
after all these years,
she’s indeed lost her hearing

Michael sent his uncle Old Jim to the Greenland Retirement Village on 19 January 2014. The next day, Michael visited his Uncle and also spoke with the staff. The monologues below relate events from two perspectives.*


Senior Staff :
Your Uncle seems very much at ease
in our retirement home
Many residents are nervous and uncertain
on their first days but your Uncle
seems to feel very much at home
But just one thing we observed though:
when we bring him out to rest on a chair
he leans a little to the left
and we so promptly help him sit straight;
and then he sways a little to the right
and we swiftly help him sit straight
for we don't want him to fall -
and this goes on; we’d need
to get a specialist in
to see if his spine is OK



Old Jim:
I don’t mind it here – they take good care of me
What did they tell you?
My spine? My ****!
These ******* don’t le me ****!

Camelot was really a place
where you parked camels –
yeah, the Egyptians traded everywhere;
and sure the round table was true –
King Arthur asked Sir Circumference to
fashion him a round table
because, as a matter of strategy,
it’s never good to be cornered

And what did the Egyptians do
after they parked their camels at Camelot?
Oh, they enjoyed the knight life
and the Musical
and they eyeballed Guinevere and Julie Andrews

So really, in spite of Thomas Malory
and Richard Harris and Richard Burton
in spite of all skills literary and vocal,
and Hollywood special effects -
Camelot was just a night club;
the English have always loved a good drink

When Mr Dracula goes out to work
on his permanent night shifts,
Mrs Dracula checks to make sure
her hubby’s taken his coffin syrup
and he’s got his coat on
and she warns him:
“You stay away from the girl necks door!”
She reminds him if he needs
to cross the seas
he should use the blood vessels

And the Dracula Kids too
(and their visiting drug ******
Auntie Drugula)
come to the door
and hang about wherever they can
to see Mr Dracula go off to work
driving off in his
Mobile Blood Unit
and they all bite each other
as they flap goodbye

And if you should wonder why
the Dracula family is so close
much more than most ****** normal families, well –
Blood is thicker than water – that’s why!

*Well, fangcy that!

The other day
my colleague came up to me
with his iPad
and he said, “You love Rembrandt?”
“Uh ha,” I said
“Well, look at this google image.
This is Rembrandt’s Parents Making Love”
And I looked at the image he had conjured
and sure enough there was a portrait of
Rembrandt’s parents in bed, you know,
doing that, doing it…
Rembrandt’s Parents Making Love

And I protested: “How can that be?
That’s not a Rembrandt, no!”
“Sure it is,” said my colleague.
*“That’s what they are making.
It's definitely an artist’s conception.”

it is Little Amy’s
first set of crayons
and so she grabs one
and scrawls
like mad and crazy
on the sketch pad
on the floor and on the walls;
and the crayon discovers
in a matter of hours
what humans take years to understand:
*life is short

Yeah guys, just back from the doctor’s
Turns out he’s worked at Apple
and Samsung and such –
he’s really into technology and all that,
you know
the latest stuff, really
“The heart,” he pronounced,
“is really a technology”

anyway, he’s given me
a pacemaker for me heart
and the doc, he said also
it’s state-of-the-art technology
so I can also download apps for my liver,
kidneys and my bowels
if needs be
yeah, I really feel good
inside out and all the way down

1)
my wife came out of the shower
last month
still unwashed and dry as a bone
You’ve forgotten, she snarled, haven’t you,
to pay the water bill?

Ooops! I’d done it again!

2)
last Monday
she came waving her hairdryer at me
and she screamed;
You’ve forgotten, haven’t you -
to pay the power bill?

Ooops! I’d done it again!

3)
last winter
she was trembling
and she said, shivering:
You’ve forgotten
to pay the bill for the gas heating ,
haven’t you?

Ooops! I’d done it again!


4)
and yesterday
when I returned home from work
I found everything in the house floating -
the chairs and the sofa
and the oven and the dog
and my wife too, upside down
up there in mid air
And she hollered:
You’ve forgotten, haven’t you
to pay the gravity bill?
And she reached out for my neck
as I levitated too

*Help! Somebody
Help! Anybody
Help us get back
down to earth!

Danny drops his broad bottom
back on the seat
beside his wife
at the food court
with 3 donuts for himself
each soaked in oil and fat
and each thick with white sugar coat

“Danny, why do you eat this stuff…?
That’s all fat, three donuts of fat,”
moans his wife

“Not really,” says Danny to his wife
who eats lettuce and carrot
and who looks like a knitting needle
*“Fastfood donuts are healthy;
look at the air in the middle -
but no doubt
one has to get through rest of the donut
for sure
but the air in the middle
is pure life-giving health
when one gets there”