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Raj Arumugam Nov 2014
so King Lion
summoned us for a meeting
and King sat on his throne
and before he started
the King looked in my direction
and he roared:
"Hyena - don't you dare laugh;
here in Council what we deliberate over
is no laughing matter"

And I ****** in my pants
(in a manner of speaking)
and sat throughout the meeting
trembling in fear, as it seemed
to the King -
but also because I had to keep
my suppressed laughter
rocking in my tummy
throughout the meeting
final in my current series of hyena poems...
Raj Arumugam Nov 2014
it's woman power here
in the clans of the spotted hyenas -
the women are bigger and the males fear;
fathers are kind to daughters
so at least the daughters will be nice to them

so women really just give orders
and the male hyenas obey
with mirth and laughter

Did you take the garbage out?
yeah, ha, ha, ha, yeah, yeah, yeah
Did you put the toilet seat cover down?
yeah, ha, ha, ha, yeah, yeah, yeah
Have you mopped the floor?
yeah, ha, ha, ha, yeah, yeah, yeah
Is dinner ready on the ground?
*yeah, ha, ha, ha, yeah, yeah, yeah
information in first stanza on spotted hyenas from wikipedia
Raj Arumugam Nov 2014
I hate school
because teacher Giraffe is always
picking on me
in his high and lofty manner
He's always pointing at me
with his prehensile tongue
and snorting: "Maybe you'd
like to stop laughing
and share your joke
with the rest of animal class?"

But I don't know no joke;
I just laugh
Raj Arumugam Nov 2014
I went to this meeting
(when I was a kid)
of hyenas;
and the ritual
consisted mainly of laughing
and they laughed and they laughed -
you know, and I just didn't get it

I demanded an explanation -
but no fellow-hyena could explain it

everybody laughs
nobody knows why;
and now I am an adult hyena
and I just laugh -  *it's something to do
with survival, I think
Raj Arumugam Jun 2014
When I was a teenager
(like Dave Allen must have been)
I was at confessional
and the priest asked me what my sin was

" I have been in bed, Father
with a woman
of loose morals,"
I said
and refused to give a name

He sighed and he said:
"Was it Anna Berley?"
I said I couldn't tell
"Was it Sue Saxton?"  he persisted
I insisted I was sworn not to tell
"Nora Muxton?"  he asked again
I remained silent
And he dismissed me then with
5 Our Fathers and  5 Hail Marys

My mate Sam was outside
and he asked what I got
and I said to him:
*"5 Our Fathers and  5 Hail Marys -
and 3 good leads is what I got"
poem based on an existing joke
Raj Arumugam Jun 2014
the woman came in
to our office
and my deputy took her statement

her husband had been missing
over three days;
and she handed in a photo
for identification

and she had a message
for her husband, faithfully recorded
by my deputy:
*"Come home, darling-
mother didn't come to visit after all"
*final poem in my series on murders, detectives, criminals, crime, lawyers, and such delights...
Raj Arumugam Jun 2014
Look, we prosecutors in Law Town
we are so well-practiced
that if we set our minds to it
we can even put on trial a turkey sandwich

In fact
just last week we managed
to get a banana convicted of ******;
sure, the conviction was overturned later on appeal -
but hey, the point is, we can skin anybody
5th poem in my current series of humorous poems on crime, ******, detectives, lawyers, and such delights
Raj Arumugam Jun 2014
For sure the woman
killed her husband -
she served him hot soup
mixed well with poison

But her defense lawyer wanted
to give her a chance
so maybe she could get
a few years instead of life

And so he asked her as
she stood in the box:
“Mrs Tile, did you feel any remorse,
considering you killed your husband?”

“Sure, I did,” said Mrs Tile
*“when he asked for second helpings”
4th poem in my series of poems on ******, detectives, lawyers, crime and such delights
Raj Arumugam Jun 2014
We had to camp out in the woods
my deputy and I, on duty
at the last Town Music Festival
and as we lay down
I said to my deputy:
"Deputy, tell me what you see"

And my deputy described the stars
and the moon and the heavens
with infectious passion and poetic intensity;
and the deputy spoke with feeling
of soaring heights and sublime elation -
and then with a triumphant air
he turned to me: "Now it's your turn,
Sheriff - tell me what you see"

And I said: *"Someone, deputy,
has stolen our tent..."
3rd poem in my series of poems on ******, detectives, crime, and such...
Raj Arumugam Jun 2014
Well, my deputy had been in the job
a month into it
and the deputy called me on the phone
from the woods nearby, on routine duty:
"Hello sheriff – there’s a body here,
I just noticed, below a tree…he appears dead
What do I do?"

"Well," I answered, with authority
"Before we take things any further,
first, let’s ensure he’s dead -"

And my deputy said:
"Hang on..."
And then my deputy was back on the phone:
*"OK, I just put 3 bullets in him
I’m dead sure he’s dead
What do I do next?"
2nd of my poems in the series on murders, detectives, and such...
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