i am a culmination
of sad eyes
goodbyes
and self hatred
rooted since
youth

health in a jar
or words
maybe wine
lots of wounds
lots of remedys
nothing works
for everything
but laughter and time
usually help
to some extent.

I always run from the ones who care the most

but it scares me to bare my true self, to be fully exposed

it takes a lot for me to come undone, to let my mind repose

but the ones who care the most never run.

they love me for me - all my flaws and my ripped seams - and they pull me in close

but somehow I still find myself lying to my own heart

I guess I've been running from the start.

How do I know, to love you or to leave you?

What will it feel like if I lose you? Did I ever really have you?

Through every toss and every turn, every night without your arm across mine

I wonder what it would be like

If I went through life without ever having known you

Would I be happy or sappily obsessed with the idea of happiness?

Would I smile the way you made me smile? Laugh with the same joy that yours brought mine? Or would I find joy in different things without you by my side?

Maybe I would meet someone new, another one I could pursue and who could make me feel the same way you used to

Or would I still wish it was your arms around mine every time I got close to someone else at night?

How do I know, to love you or to leave you?

I'm willing to admit an amount more than I've been given,
is about the love that I've so longingly hidden,
deep inside a place -
where doors are locked and walls are dark
where I don't even go
for fear that I might know,
what love looks like -
even in the shadows

I remember the night we had our first fight,
it was like the tide that crashed too high -
         and pulled back only for a little while
until it met the shore, kissed it once more
before the night was over -
it was the storm that somehow brought us closer