I feel like I keep waking up in a nightmare of my mind.
I'm so trapped.
I can't escape the fact that I have to
wake up again.
               And again.
                     And again.
When will I learn that I'm the nightmare.
I'm never going to wake up from this one cause I created it.
The only way to wake up is to destroy it,
Destroy myself.
I need to wake up.

I grew up learning that
*** before marriage was bad
Being mean to others is bad
Smile to make other people smile
Get good grades
Make your family proud.
I was never specifically taught that
Suicide is bad
Starving is bad
Making yourself throw up is bad
Hurting yourself is bad
Faking is not okay
I was never taught that hurting yourself is not acceptable.
Maybe its because kids don't usually hurt themselves on purpose.
I was always told to be nice to others.
To be grateful for what you have.
I was never nice to myself,
I deserve much worse.
So ya I hate myself, I am just really good at faking.
Its easy when you've been doing it for as long as you remember.

The only way that I will ever end up getting help is if it gets so bad that someone notices.
I will always deny it.
I am functioning and healthy.
No one can physically see that I want to **** myself.
It's all in my head.

I don't know why growing up is so hard for me.
Maybe it's because things are already so painfully real to me..
people say that after highschool life gets real.
I don't know if I will be able to handle life if it gets more real.
Everyone who grows up changes.
I want to change, I hate who I am.
But I think that I will change for the worse.
I think that's why growing up is so scary for me.
I don't want to keep changing this way.

I don't know why I took metal to my skin
I don't know why I stopped eating
I don't know why I expect so much of myself.
All I know is that it's me.
I'm the issue
Blood used to scare me and now I crave it.
I don't understand what I did to myself.
I don't get why I changed so much
I scare myself.
I wish I was different
But I found out that wishing for the impossible just makes you start to blame other things.
If you want to get anywhere, sometimes you have to blame yourself.

Maybe beyond today
There is something waiting
There is a clock ticking
Waiting.
Its waiting for you to do something
Waiting for you to kick a gear on this clock
Waiting for you to go to tomorrow
Okay so don't give up
The clock is waiting
Do something
Stop taking advantage of the clock
Soon it will break down

There was a girl
She was beautiful
Everyone loved her
She wore a smile, whiter than snow
She talked in the halls
She laughed in the locker room
She flirted with the jocks
Even though on the outside she looked beautiful and happy, she wasn't.
Her clothes got bigger
Her friends became mean
Her smile got faker
Her parents thought she was fine
She wasn't
No one knew it but she was plotting her own self destruction
She locked herself in her room
Put a chair against the doorknob and started swallowing.
Swallowing demons friends life
She never came out of the room.
The ambulance took the body
But they left the girl
She couldn't leave.
But maybe she was already gone.