It leaves
Then it comes back
It haunts me
I forget about it
It's still there
It does not exist
Yet it is my greatest fear

The monsters in my head
That I call fear, jealousy and insecurities
They are ghosts that should have died
Lingering and following me around

They make this puzzle so complex
Though I am almost finished
And already holding the last piece
Why am I searching for other pieces
to complete the missing space,
when the answer is already in my hands?
And all I have to do is to place it down

And what seemed like an easy jigsaw
Becomes a stage performance
And I am the actor with only one line
The monsters, they scream
They try to taunt me
I struggle to fight back
But I see them in the crowds
And what seemed like one line
Felt like a dictionary I had to memorize
And I mess up
And the monsters have won
They always find a way to take over me

Bring me back to the time
Where everything felt fine
Where I felt you were mine
And it was not just you
And it was not just me
But me and you together
Where it was us

Your lips pressed against my cheek
Your voice so gentle as it speaks
Your hand lightly brushed my fingers
Oh your touch will always linger
Why do I crave your touch?
Did not realize how I missed it so much

Why am I so scared,
That I'm always being compared?
I know I can never compete
With all the better girls that you will meet

When will I ever see you again?
Will I ever feel wholesomely happy? Not sure if I can
Why are you so distant?
Wish you were here in just an instant

When I close my eyes, I see only black
Then I picture you and I and I wish you would come back
Sit down, lie down with me
So once again I can feel happy

It saddens me how we are not together
Things right now just are not getting better
I just want to be with you
I feel empty and I don't know what to do

I just hope you miss me as well
You have no idea how hard I fell
Your eyes, your touch, simply everything about you is perfect
And I hope my wait for you would be worth it

At least I get to see you in my dreams
Now reality is better than it seems
But dreams are only in my head
Temporary bliss felt late at night when I'm in bed

When I wake up I again feel dead
For I think about all the feelings left unsaid
Why can I not say how I feel?
Why can I not show you what is real?

I hate that you are so adored
By girls from here and there
I hate that you know nothing about me
I hate that you don’t care

I hate your stuck up attitude
I hate that you’re so rude
I hate your smile that looks so bright
Every time I look at you

I hate the way you made me feel
I hate it that you stayed
I hate the way you let me down
No matter how hard I prayed

I hate your friend that always lied
I hate that for you, I cried
I hate the nights I spent on you
Wishing you were mine

I hate that I looked up to you
Just like how I looked at stars
I hate that I scrolled through pictures of you
Whenever you felt so far

But mostly I hate how I was waiting
For a time that never came
I hate the impact you made on me
And now things just aren’t the same

your last words hit me like cold air
and I remember how my eyes fogged up just watching you leave.
it wasn't easy
remembering someone I thought of as beautiful white snow turn out to be
just cold frozen ice.

you made my insides feel like dirt until I met him.
I met him with utmost serendipity
like a sunflower in the middle of walking through sands of an empty desert.
he sowed me with seeds of random compliments and little surprises.
it didn't take much time before he grew inside me a garden.
within me was a clear blue sky
and the taste of sunlight that melted my frown
and I remembered how to grow again.

he made everyday feel like the first day of summer.
there was no stress when I was with him,
only carefree raised hands outside a car window with the wind in my hair and the car radio turned up at maximum.
everyday, I slowly forgot what snow felt like.
his kisses tasted like sweet lemonade
and his hugs felt just the same.

as time went by, once again, I was wilting.
I realized that summer didn't last long because at the end of everyday, the sun will be gone
and be yet again replaced by darkness.
one part of me still felt his presence.
he was warm.
but I couldn't control how he felt for me anymore.
I no longer heard the car radio turn up to maximum but instead, I heard the leaves crunch beneath my worn out sneakers.
I was on the ground again;
ready to get lost in fog, to freeze from the snow,
to feel all the things I thought I've already forgotten.