a splash, the water seeping into her clothes as malia went down, floating
deep even breaths, inhale, don't let go, eyes closed



she was eight when she pricked her pinky with the thorns of a fresh white rose having accompanied her father to buy a boquet for her mother's birthday, relinquishing on the droplets of blood painting the once plain rose realizing a beat later that she was hurt; such a mindless little action, the essential kick-start of these events; a snowball effect

she was ten when she rode her bike after failing her english exam and made herself fall down by the rocks, coming home with bruised, scratched knees, her mother quickly rushing to her aide with bandages and words of comfort. it was the first time she muttered an ironical set of im fine's and acted so cold in their warm home

she was eleven when she skipped her meals for two days and didn't come out of her room,holding herself in bed as her heart rocketed, for outside the door were her parents' deliberate fighting

she was twelve when she made her first ever cut, followed by three more slices and in the same year she threw up all the strawberry crepes in her friend's bathroom on her friend's birthday party, stuffed all her packed lunches in the bin on school days. it was the year her parents finally split up and her friends picked their other friends over her and the world around her was changing and she had not even her shadow's hand to hold but the glint of sharp silver and the taste of ***** and the feeling of melancholia and loneliness and despair,these unwelcome visitors turned her only friends

she was thirteen when she blew out the thirteen rainbow colored candles on her birthday cake as the people she once knew so close now like foreign continents sang her the birthday song and told her to make a wish. little did they know that she wished to be found dead

she was fourteen when she quit the dance team because it was as if she was a robot fueled by the techno beat and electronic rhythm, she felt as empty as the quiet minutes when the song finishes and went to her first ever party, got wasted and walked around town sleeping under the bridge blanketed by stars thinking my mother did wrong at picking out my name so so wrong she never should have sugar coated it for destruction could only be suppressed til it  destroys everything, the catalyst my mother should have named me destruction for it is the only reason for every bad thing that happened to my family, my friends, my life i am the reason and she slept, the only thought stuck in her mind

she fell in love when she was fifteen and it was a lovely time if not the best in her entire existence apart from the time her family was whole and they all loved one another and her childhood was golden. and this boy taught her how to dream again and cared for her heart and she once again cared for herself, like a dam broke inside her and water flowed everywhere in delight, like the curse was broken. together they snagged stars but believed that they shone triple times more when they held hands and had children in their dreams frolicking in their kingdom

but they broke up and their empire fell apart after a year of bliss and love it wasn't love but he made her believe in love, made herself believe it was love they shared til they ran down the fun house mirrors and saw the mockery in their distorted reflections and all their differences and their sins and the rubble and he looked at her with no recognition, utter disbelief and told her she wasn't good enough and this is never going to work and this should've never started and im sorry im sorry im sorry  sounding like cruel laughter in her ears and that was that and she craved for pain and destruction again because this is just how her story goes there are no cliff hangers or plot twists and once again she found herself alone and she listened to sad songs alone, blasted them in anger and took out her lighters and her blades, burned his letters, all the love notes and the things he gave that she once cherished and found herself in a flurry of mutilation because of course this was all her fault too, she let him have her and use her, empty her out and leave and she was love's fool.

her mother always told her to always tell the truth, her father telling her to never lie but they've all been doing it all along hadn't they? because love was a lie and her parents loved each other loved her and look how that turned out and the lover she once called told her so many times that he loved her more than the sun, the moon, the stars, and all the planets and he had a blackhole's force of ******* her into his lies and making her believe liars and she was no different and she had been doing all these things to hurt her because her name was destruction and she was destruction and she destroyed herself as well, punished herself for all her mistakes and this was the last punishment,

and she was seventeen when she was institutionalized after her "railroad accident" and she ended up with bruises and stitches and ***** failures alot worse than all the punishments she gave herself. so she failed at ending her life and her mother sat beside her in the hospital with stained glass eyes and mostly kept quiet because if she dared talk shed break and she couldn't do that when her daughter broke already while she stayed oblivious, drowning in her own grief all these years but malia knew what she wanted to say "how could you do this to yourself? to me? why malia? why?"
and for a year she was locked up with therapists and pills and people who held destruction within them people like her

she was eighteen and she was back at school and had decent grades enough to impress the universities and she found herself a group of friends who were okay with her past,she and her mother have started spending time together again catching up and talking things out and sometimes she'd eat out with her father and they'd hang out for a bit. it was finally a life worthy of being called a life



now she just sits there in the bottom of the swimming pool as nightfalls
there was no explanation but they've gotten it all wrong
deep breaths and hold it in the longest you can with your head underwater and then think about everything until you're close to drowning

she didn't do this all the time, just when things got bad
everyone thought that she was better, that she healed
well she did
but not completely, not for eternity

she wanted to believe that she's okay
that the meds worked and all that therapy succeeded and all that mental health days were worth it and that she was going somewhere in the future

she knew that people cared and worried about her but sometimes wanted more like a greedy void because sometimes all they did was care but they didn't know how to help, like they don't really understand but merely grasping

her mother thought she was better
her friends thought she was better
her father whom she saw once a month thought she was better
her doctors thought she was better
they didn't know about this about her compromise with self harm

she still had the scars and the burns as well as the stitches from the "accident" like tattoos on her body which may never fade. she really wanted to get past all of it but tonight she succumbs and it hurt less than what she used to do for punishment
she didn't even know what she was punishing herself for this time; she just wanted the general feeling of pain, the only thing she's ever been sure of for years like a visit from an old friend





she woke the day after with the damp floor tiles under her and the glisten of the lapping pool water beside and she was glad that she did