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you are
giving me
this feeling,
like
nothing
else
matters.
the world
could fall
apart,
in a thousand
little pieces.
but I would
not notice.
cause
nothing
except
you and I
matter.
not
right
now.
not
in this
very
second.
I’m To young to be old
To old to be young
My daughter
Constantly told me
Grandmothers
Don’t dress like that
Raising her eye brow
In disapproval
Giving my that looking
I’m conservative
But trendy
Victoria Secrets
Nike
Michael Kors bags
Only the latest designers
My Grandson
Gave me the BEST
compliment
he called me a Baller
I had to look it up !!!
For those of you who
do not know
What that means
I’m dressed to the nines
everything matches  
trendy on point
My reply to my daughter
is yes they do
because I’m rocking it
My birthday is a week from today
I always take stock of the past year
Where I am we’re I want to be in the future
And most importantly
Who I have become
I like who I am for the most part
The rest is a work in progress
Raised by my father
I was knee high to a grasshopper
My brothers and sister and I had
Many Nannies and Babysitters

When I turned sixteen
I applied for my drivers permit
The paperwork returned
Wrong date of birth

It had to be a mistake
Crazy right  everyone knows
their own birthdate

I Requested my birth certificate
Come to find out
My birthday is 13 days later
I felt lost in the shuffle

Forgotten hurt
Of course leave it to
One brother to call every year
On my fake birthday
Laughing
happy fake birthday


the irony I was my father’s favorite
Charmin Carmen
Well at least he calls right in a day when families drift apart
As I drift throughout fits of consciousness,
My soul flutters about the exposed space,
Surrounding me.
Its wings span out and glide gracefully.
Yet, so easily affected by nearing influences,
It instinctually dips low for a means of protection.

But when fear takes charge of its path,
Positives go undiscovered.
Perhaps fear debilitates reaping the potential warmth,
Another is radiating.
Maybe the individual’s soul is imbedded with good intentions.
Maybe the person’s heart is comprised of purity.
I know that you like it
But i hate it
I ******* hate it
But you like it when i hate it
You may win this game
But i win at life
I stayed on this Earth
I chose life
I stayed. Alive

Oh depression
I ******* love you too
Every time you mess up my mind
Take my breath away
Haunts me like humidity and dandruff in my hair
When i haven't got the motivation to wash it for weeks
Oh it strangles me like a cat

In a dark night
During your favourite time of the day
You worst nightmare
Silence cannot save you
But they see you
They see the most vulnerable parts of you
And they laugh
Boy they laugh
'Cause well **** it
They don't understand
The pain
The dying
The fighting back
How are you so brave and strong
Just getting out of bed in the morning
Which sometimes
I don't
I can't
I lay on bed
Until i know i'd miss my train
Then i'd miss school
Then i'd feel ****
Helpless
You know
I don't have a choice
It's like both paths are full of monsters
And you linger at the cross-section
Until the lava consumes you

Anxiety I'd marry you if i could
And keep you up all night
On our wedding night
To give you the sweetest taste of your own medicine
Shut all windows
And fill the room with hydrogen cyanide
I'd die with you if i have to

Oh honey you know you have hobbies too
Things that get you passionate, excited
You know
Once you were a happy person too
But those things
Be it reading
Catching up on your favourite shows
Go for a run, swim, hike
Bake treats with the aroma of home...

You shut everyone out
Convincing yourself that you only let people down
Telling yourself all the mean things you will never tell another soul
Because you know
It hurts
Those things aren't exciting
Nor do they give you passion
Your happiness has expired
Longer than the milk in your refrigerator
All you do is sleep
You either eat way too much or starve for days
You cry
You scream
You cover the scars on your arm
You either are in desperate need of attention
Or you avoid everyone and everything

We are all so young
So damaged
But baby it's okay
You're doing good
You are fighting with every last breath
You are still alive
And living comes with possibilities and new opportunities
You wouldn't wanna miss out of those
Would you?
Baby it's okay
I'm okay.
Love a suicidal person while they're still alive.
First level was simple denial,
I argued with myself for awhile,
counted each and every bathroom tile
while I waited until sedated so that I could smile.

I felt the anger twinge inside myself,
I cursed all the time spent seeking wealth,
and bathed in loathing for my careless lack of health,
and my inability to ever ask for much needed help.

They say no one is ever ready to die
and there's always regrets when you go,
but when my number's up I won't try
I won't fight; I'll have no punches to throw.
Five stages and seven hells,
turn the pages and hope it sells.

Next was bargaining but I had nothing to give,
no reason to be here, no reason left to live,
but I took my chance on a lie a and fib,
and offered up my heart along with a shred of rib.

Every layer always gets warmer,
until it surely burns your skin,
you'll find the next is worse than the former,
is this the punishment for sin?

They say no one is ever ready to die
and there's always regrets when you go,
but to say life is short would be a lie,
'cause some of us just feel it's too slow.
Five stages and seven hells,
open the cages and ring the bells.

Depression walked in like an old friend,
it was no big change, there was no letter to send.
I realized I was defective with no chance to mend,
my spine officially broken even though I didn't bend.

Then acceptance finally washed over me,
with a conclusion some things are just not meant to be,
I didn't bow my head or fall on one knee,
words can't describe that feeling of being free.

They say no one is ever ready to die
and there's always regrets when you go,
I hope to find a comfortable home in the sky,
or atleast in soil for something else to grow.
Five stages and seven hells,
I'll live through the ages, constantly shedding my shells.
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