i know what this is,
this is madness,
this is craving for a touch, for the
self-destructive nature
of his clutch, these are
soulmates who only
want it rough,
these are kisses
and we never get enough:
these are chances
and we only get them once.

I drink
A majority of the time to have fun
To hang out with friends
To laugh
And sing
And just be me
Without being ME
To get out of my head
Because everyday is a constant battle
With anxiety
Or boredom
I'd say depression but I'm not Depressed
Everyday I freak myself out
Is the world going to end
Am I going to die today
Are we even real
Why am I in pain
Should I **** myself
Should I **** someone
WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME
WHY ARE THEY YELLING
ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ME
HELP SOMEONE HELP ME
OH GOD I CAN'T BREATH
WHAT IS AIR
IM DROWNING
IM LOSING CONTROL
IM FIGHTING BUT AM I WINNING
IM SCARED
CAN THEY HERE MY THOUGHTS
IS THIS ALL FOE NOTHING
WHY AM I LIKE THIS
so I drink
A majority of the time to have fun
To laugh
To sing
And just be me
Without being ME

"No one's gonna love you if you don't love yourself"* is what they always say.
I finally understand why I still doubt everyone who came to stay.

I bite my cheek and pinch my arm
In a place that mom cant see

“Why are you so pissy today?”
“You’re such a drag to be around
when you act like this”
She says

“sorry”
I say
Instead of the retort that comes to my mind:
‘So are you on the days you’re mad,
When you’re done with everyone’s ****’

But i know that will earn me an even bigger glare
A clenching of teeth
And a good ol’ grounding

So i sit quietly brooding and fuming and say simply
“sorry”

sorry im not good enough for you
sorry i have feelings unlike you
sorry im
not
enough

“How are you?”
Asks my good friend via text
“Pretty good hbu” i reply with vision blurred from tears
The marks i clawed into my arm still burning

“Dinner’s ready!”
Yells someone upstairs
“I’ll be up in a sec!”
I reply
Hastily pulling down my sleeve
and wiping away the messy makeup around my eyes

‘Whelp’
I think to myself
‘I hope they dont notice’

They dont
And if they do they dont mention it
For which im grateful

I dont feel like launching into a discussion that typically ends with me a blubbering mess

Anytime we have that discussion anyway

I know we need another one,
But i just cant bring myself to reveal anything
That might make them think somethings wrong with me

So for now ill just
Smile
And keep saying
“sorry”

Imagine yourself
a linear expression of experience,
a long strip of film like
the kind in old projectors with the
sepiatic sputters and flickers--
yes! Imagine yourself a strip of film but
rolled up messily like
the earbuds in your pocket or
folding fitted bedsheets.
You are a movie and the filmstrip endpiece lies at your feet,
you are knots and coils and tangles and
if you were to lie down at the top of this mountain for a moment--just a moment!--perhaps
the wind would catch the loops of film and
you would feel yourself
unravel.

sometimes i talk too much about wanting to die
i don't really and thats why it's too much really
but running out of the doctors office crying
was a lot for someone who talks a lot about dying

and talking gets stale like crackers do and
people don't like stale food or stale words
but i haven't been out in a while
and these words are pretty much
all that i've got. i'm sorry.

(2)

Oh,
So it is bad again

But it's never the same is it?
It's always something, isn't it
It's lonely but unfamiliar
A minute and you're here, there,
you forget to breathe so you panic
go figure.

summer seemed like a dream but I've passed on now, and I'm beginning to wake myself up
you see these people in love
but I can't even unwrap my ******* tongue

it's hurts to think that you might never become
and you just wanna talk to someone, anyone
but isn't this the start you asked for from God?
my god, doesn't it seem so hard to believe in me anymore?

this patience of mine is wearing thin and what happens when it isn't
when an impossible wish, a sorry strength, a terrible addiction to perseverance what happens when it isn't?

i'm gone, or perhaps this is all
i've moved, i've waited for months, now what?

be yourself
but then who's in control?