you came and left my life quicker than i could tell anyone that you felt like home.
i should've known that because you felt like home that things would be broken and imperfect,
yet i still loved you and loved us.

i can't forget the first time i heard your voice.
i describe the moment as a moment that can never be forgotten but i can't even remember what you said.
you just sounded like an angel and even before that day,
i knew i wanted to be yours, that maybe,
just maybe,
we were meant to be.
but hearing your voice felt like the universe confirmed it.

maybe it's stupid young love.
both of us only 18,
barely 18,
and so in love like we knew what it was and what it meant.
but it felt like we invented it.
they'll never understand the electricity and warmth that was sent through your fingertips to mine.

we talked about grocery shopping together, cooking together, living together, loving together, being together,
forever
as if we weren't in different universes,
different books.
because that's where things went wrong again.
that was the second error in Us.

one, you felt like home.
two, we were both in different universes.

you're just as beautiful as i remember.
you stood there,
rose cheeks,
towering over me,
light,
you,
you,
you.
you and you again.
you held my hands and i felt warm,
falling into your palms then your open chest.

we drove to the sea and i looked at you the whole ride there.
barely talking, i knew that you were still home.
the sea this time was unfamiliar and you were my sea this time,
you became my home.
it's like you always were.

you held me tight and i begged myself to not wake up.
i can't describe the cold and ache in my heart when my eyes opened and they were locked into yours.

will i see you again tonight?

i hope that after i tell you i'm your son,
you'll still love me.
that's my biggest fear.
losing you.
losing the people who raised me and were there for me when things kept falling apart.
the generation gap is a bit big but i hope that you can find it in your heart to,
at least,
accept me.
hug me and tell me i'm your son.
don't abandon me.
i know i'm older now but a boy still needs his parents.
i need you.
please keep loving me.

hello, you.
it feels like sitting with someone new.
i can barely remember the first half of last year and can barely remember the reasons why i cried so much last year,
sometimes.
i know this year will be different
because you feel different.
but nonetheless,
i ask of you to treat me with kindness.
i'm starting everyday with deep breaths,
holding my hands to the ground,
reminding myself that you are in fact not out to get me.
you, please treat me kindness.

last night, i let go of you.
i stopped waiting by the phone,
as if you'd ever even called in the first place.
i closed my eyes and thought of
your rose tinted cheeks,
your smile,
your laugh,
your emerald colored eyes,
the way you said you said you loved me,
the way i could feel you even if you were far away from me,
just one last time
i thought of all these things.
i held my chin up high and i swallowed the lump in my throat.
goodbye.

how are you still so perfect?
after all those sleepless nights and tears you've gifted me,
how are you still everything to me?
how are you still the light and the love of my life?
i remind myself of the time and yet,
it never changes the fact that i love you.
i always love you.