falling asleep in your arms has to be my favorite part,
still.
i will always love watching your eyes go from fluttering to completely shut.
us having competitions as to who could stay awake longer.
tears would be brought to my eyes sometimes from how beautiful you are.
my chest on yours, feeling your breathing slow down and then feeling mine.

you're 15 years old today.

i remember holding you when mom brought you home from the hospital,
my little baby sister.
your small hand wrapped around my finger.
beautiful.

you started high school this year and i'm ready to hold your hand through it all.
you got this, girl!
i'll try with all my might to be there for you so you won't feel alone if you do.

it was just an indescribable feeling really. loving you, falling in love with you. it felt like warmth.

my heart beat so loudly yet with ease around you. my cheeks feel pink and all i can focus on is light in your eyes when you talk about the most simple things. roasted dandelion tea, your dog, the way the leaves fall from trees in autumn and how you feel yourself move with the wind.

i can't count how many times i've looked at you and just thought "i love you" without verbally saying it.

i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

it seemed impossible that flowers bloomed during the winter but with you around,
it was a meadow.
it felt like spring then summer then spring again.

one year, my love.
365 days without you.
my heart is dark today.
i miss your smile.
i miss seeing you everyday.
my baby boy, my best friend, my sun,
my moon,
my everything.
i keep clenching my teeth to keep sobs silent,
it's been like this for a year now.
i can still hear your laugh sometimes.
i swear i see you in a crowd of people sometimes.
i need you to hold me again,
to tell me i did well.
but you can't,
so i'll tell you.
my heart is forever yours.
these breaths i take are yours.
we'll see each other one day again,

i'm seventeen years old.
out of those seventeen years, i spent more than half of them depressed.
the world fell apart around me and on top of me over and over again.
i asked for hugs from people who were supposed to love me and got hit instead.
but ---------

the sound of snow being stepped on reminds me of us.
i liked the times where we would sit on the park bench in the dark and listen to silence,
occasionally talking.
the moonlight that kissed your face made you even more beautiful that you already were.