they say she's a rainbow
but all I saw in her was a million shades of black and gray;
she's more like an earthquake,
destroying everything in sight
with one bad decision based on a million thoughts.
she may have been beautiful
but she split the world in half
with trembling cries and sliced wrists.
she's a natural disaster,
no one saw her coming

As the cold air of November beings to settle in
I feel the warmth of the happiness I once had
Being drained out of my body.
My eyes feel heavy,
I can't eat again.
My thighs are once again marked
with the expression of my sadness.
empty.
A constant roller coaster
I can't get off of,
for the past five years
I've been going straight down
with small, sharp peaks
of a temporary happiness
that always slips through my hands

'Darling', they would say, '...it's all in your head, the voices, the shadows, there's no one under the bed.'

oh how I wish that that were true
           for now my face
has turned
                      a blue.

I remember the first time I had my heart broken
except I really don't
it's just that familiar sense, that familiar feeling
of feeling less than everything
of wanting so badly
to not exist, to have never been born
to die a hundred deaths
and have every ***** in my body
completely torn to shreds
anything to never feel the way I'm feeling

nights are so strange
there is a world we are missing out on while we are asleep
the night is filled with noises we'll never live to hear
during the day

reflections are so strange
shadows are so sad
so much time wasted trying to get to know your image
through a mirror
a mirror, your only self

could it be that the blind see more clearly?
paintings and photographs, sickening nostalgia
what use will have my photograph
when I'm no longer here?
will you remember me a while longer?
will you still think of me as strange?

I'm thinking of a few things to consider
this tends to happen a lot around 2 : 03 A.M.

I was thinking
of perhaps
putting an ad in the penny saver
submitting a few poems
submitting my phone number and
some pathetic description
a description sincere

"I am sad
I am lonely
I am just as lost as you
I want to know your story
you can't sleep, and neither can I
sooner or later
we are going to die
talk on the phone with me"

I'm not very fond of summer
I feel lovely in the fall
winter is sad, cold, and romantic
it reminds me of my youth

I miss wearing sweaters
I'll be twenty-one soon
I want to get drunk
I'm already lost
I want to be wild

I want to kiss strangers
I want a beautiful body and beautiful hair
I want to live in stupidity
and travel the world by train, trolley,  
and aero plane

I want to be asleep

I could be dreaming right now
it's all ending, keep writing
it doesn't matter, but it does

one day I'll be happy
I'll be lovely soon enough

I am a half-smirk grinner
an addict and a sinner

I am lonely and broken
a screamer yet soft spoken

I am dead serious
could be delirious

I am not one to eat food
on words I'd rather chew

I am a running joke
the fire and the smoke

I am the forgotten
lost and unwanted


I am the last one picked
I am twisted
And I am sick

i think we still exist
somewhere in the universe
behind the sun
where all of earth’s abandoned
soulmates go to rest
i think i can see us
when i look up at the sky
and squint directly into
the rays of light,
your brown eyes burning
into mine

i think we are together
in the time that trails behind
the present, dancing
in circles until the last stars
fizzle out

i think that our promises
seeped into the soil, like
february rain, our souls sown
together, tucked in
beneath the world

i think what we had is
somewhere just out of reach,
pulsing in the dim spaces
between heat lightning

and although, in this lifetime,
we became nothing but shadows,
monsters that linger on bedroom walls

we are there, we are alive,
and we are still in love.