waves of pain
crash against my skull
with each collision shaking my insides
and every thundering bolt
pushing me closer and closer
to grabbing the forty-five
in a desperate attempt to stop
my head from shaking and screaming
to be set free
breathe in, breathe out
to a cold barrel against my temple
pull the trigger, count to three
we were "so nearly free."

and in that instant, you were gone
like a puff of milk white smoke
crashing against a wall of wind
i can smoke until my lungs turn grey
i still won't be able to smoke you away
but just when i get used to the thought
that you are going to stay
just like a puff of milk white smoke
whistling through my teeth.

i knew you wouldn't stay for long
and in that instant, you were gone

i've been alive seventeen years
and I am just now scratching the surface
of living.

you are an ocean
i'm simply swimming
through waves of
"i miss you"
and
"where did you go?"
a heartbeat mutters
if it can't be heard
hopefully someone
is swimming, too
finding ways to drown
in your calming eyes

darling, i love to swim
but not if you drown me

blood stained fingernails
hollow eyed
intestine pasta
with a beating heart side
you don't need it
but i need it
a swig of ipecac
to polish off your favorite shade of wine
a kick of copper and regret

but i am eating
her stomach grew smaller
she drowned a little deeper
a nasty lie beneath gritted teeth

come back darling,
dinner is served

i don't feel like crying
and pitying my poor, poor soul
now i'm screaming ****** ******
begging you to come home
and make everything okay
little did you know
that everyone's world would fall apart
when you made the decision
to swing in the sunlight
and take away ours
with tears in my eyes
i'm praying to a god in the sky
pray for me, take care of you
thought I was crazy then?
well wait until they see me now

people and things are
sometimes
not what they seem

remember when you told me
you'd never fall apart?
now you're just a fish out of water
flopping around to the pretty sound
of no one there to save you

your word is your bond
our bond is blood
leaves on a tree
like birds of a feather
you promised me you'd be here forever

come crying back to your little girl
tell me everything you're sorry for
how you never meant to hurt me
you're a half-baked conundrum
and I am too
if this is all we have, then
I guess we're left to reconcile
and settle the waves