let me understand the clouds
their moods and patterns that

they display in the sky

a single cloud crosses the sky,
from the ground, we can watch it go by

holding my world up there high
in the sky, we look as time passes by

happy clouds, quiet clouds
calm, still clouds

soft echoes
sweet sugar
blurred sight
whispering smoke
lost my mind
with you gone

the world is full of kings
and queens, who blind your
eyes and steal your dreams

you have more freedom
than you’re using

"it *****, doesn't it? feeling like you're not good enough."

to be like icarus
to taste the clouds
to reach for the sun

to fall
as your wings melt
down your back
then on your skin

you enchant me with your soft, glowing light

"i love you",
you said,
and i waited for
"but...."

but instead came
your arms
and a
"no matter what."

I'M SORRY THAT I'M DISTANT AND
NEEDY AND SAD ALL THE TIME AND
I'M SORRY THAT I OVERTHINK
EVERYTHING AND I'M SORRY THAT I
DON'T SAY THE RIGHT THINGS I'M
SORRY THAT I SAY SORRY TOO MUCH.

sometimes i just want to close my eyes
and forget

IT’S 2:38 AM BUT I NEVER SLEEP
ANYMORE BECAUSE
OVER TIME I CLOSE MY EYES
YOUR PICTURE BURNS IN MY
EYELIDS AND THE THOUGHT
OF YOU SITS IN THE BACK
OF MY BRAIN

don’t stop us now
we were born to make history
we’ll make it happen
we’ll turn it around

mass is not proportional to volume

Recently, I haven’t been feeling myself.
I feel like I’ve lost myself over the years.  

There are more times of me feeling hollow, empty than of me being happy.  I don’t know how to explain it.  Nor do I even know how to fill that hole.  

People say that it’ll get better.  
                            What will? When? Why did it happen?

People say that things will change.
                            For better?  No. You don’t know that.

Often, I look out the window and imagine an alternate world.  Some place where I would be smarter.  Prettier.  Liked more.  Better.  

That wish might overlap with some people.

Being a Marvel fan, I always wanted to have Spider-Man powers.  And maybe a piece or fragment of Tony Stark’s intelligence and creativity.  

Creativity that I had lost over the years.  Intelligence that I never had to begin with.  Powers or abilities to make me proud of who I am.  Now I have none of those and the only thing that is left of me is the empty shell and the mask that I wear to hide.. me.

-

I’m not proud of myself.  Nor are my parents.  Not even my friends.  If they were to know who I was.  I hide behind smiles and jokes.  I use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance.  

No, my parents aren’t divorced.  No, I’m not disabled.  
Yes, I attend a fairly good school.  Yes, I have good people around me.  

Despite all the good things I have, I can’t stop feeling. Useless. Worthless. Not enough.  I don’t feel motivated to do anything.  I feel like the part of me that wants everything to end is taking over me day by day.  I sometimes want to jump out of the window but I fear pain.  I’m weak.  I want to buy pills and swallow the whole bottle but I don’t know what pills to buy.  It’s hard to get ahold on them here in Japan.  Should I burn everything I own before I die?  Or disappear after selling everything?  

I feel the need to do so so that my parents don’t have anything to look back on.  So they wouldn’t have to feel so ashamed about having me as a daughter.  I cry often now.  My father tells me that I did this to myself.  Bad grades.  Bad friendships.  No motivation.  I’ve disappointed many people in my life.  I cry feeling sorry for myself even though I have dug my own grave.  

I somehow never seem to learn.  I think there’s something wrong with me.  I’ve been telling my parents there’s something wrong with me but they just tell me I’m making up things.  Excusing myself from the reality that I am a disappointment.  That I messed up.  That I am dumb.  Useless.  I will never amount to anything.  I am hollow.  I am but a shadow of everyone else that used to be friends with me.  

I am not writing this for hope that I will change.  I just feel the need to put this out there.  Not for help.  I don’t seek help anymore.  Nothing will ever change.  

Some say, “Not with that attitude” but I’m tired of hearing those words.  I’ve already made and broken so many promises that I am not worthy of change.  Or a miracle.  I sometimes wish that whenever I go out to buy groceries, a car or truck will hit me.  I wish for an accident to happen so that I will die.  Or that something drastic would happen to me so that I will be away from everything.  Possibly in a hospital bed.  Possibly dying on the side of the road.  Possibly giving me a disability so that I could finally have an excuse of being who I am.  

I’ve imagined people at my funeral.  Not many will be there.  And even those who attend, will have never known the real me.  My true feelings.  About my friends, parents, education—everything and anything.  

I am writing this because I can’t tell anyone about this.  I understand that it doesn’t make sense.  Don’t worry about posting comments on this.  I will be glad that it has been read.  Although it was long.  I don’t know who you are or what you have been through.  I apologize for taking up your time.  

I don’t know what I am.  Who I am.  What I will be in the future.  I know nothing.

lost myself
on the edge
so close to the
tempting death

loving eyes
overlook my
vulnerable heart
exhausted life

the trees did not complain
the day we carved our initials
into their calloused skin

and isn't it sad that something
so beautiful would put up with
that pain for a love that
would not last?

you feel the same way

I'll leave you words
underneath your door
underneath the singing moon

near the place where your feet may pass by
hidden in the holes of wintertime
and when you're alone for a moment

kiss me
whenever you want

so much to say but the words won't come out

but ive said too much already

my mind is full of words

that haven't been said

maybe one day someone will come into my life and actually mean what they say

and like the moon,
she had a side of her
so dark, that even the stars
couldn't shine on it;
she had a side of her
so cold, that even the sun
couldn't burn on it.

"how did you get so empty?"

"when people leave, they
take a part of you with
them. so many have left,
and there's nothing left to
take."

"please don't be sad."


"darling, you can't be sad
when you're empty. you
can't be anything."

your name is always
on the tip of my tongue
and if you
wrap me in a blanket
and place me by the fire,
in the flames,
i'll see your smile,
but if i blink
it'll disappear
because our time
while full, was fleeing
and now you are just
dandelion seeds
in the summer breeze
that will land
in another yard
to make someone else's
wishes come true

​
if i showed you my teardrops,
would you collect them like rain,
store them in jars,
that are labelled with “pain”
would you follow their tracks
from my eyes down my cheeks
as they write all the stories
I’m too scared to speak
would you stop them with kisses
bring their flow to a halt
as you teach me that pain
isn’t always my fault
would you hold my face gently
as you dry both my eyes
and whisper the words
“you’re too precious to cry”.
if i showed you my teardrops
would you show me your own
and learn through we’re lonely,
we’re never alone.

why do you never want me the way i want you?

It’s your life. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for living it your way.

you can't hide
your lyin' eyes

and your smile
is a thin disguise

i thought by now
you'd realise

there ain't no way
to hide your lyin' eyes.

​
All we do is drive.
All we do is think about the feelings that we had.
All we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign.
Sick and full of pride.
All we do is drive.

as the night
she pretends to be
intellectually
complicated,
but in the light
we see loneliness
and desperation.

please don't fall in love with someone else

please don't be in love with someone else


please don't have somebody waiting on you

i hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
i hate the way you drive your car.
i hate it when you stare.
i hate your big dumb combat boots,
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick;
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate it, I hate it when you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.  
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.  
But mostly I hate it the way I don't hate you.
Not even close, not even a little bit,

not even at all.

this Friday is Friday the 13th

you said you would protect me but
instead you were the one who broke me

you can smile as long as we're together

"it's okay if i'm not
your favourite
chapter you have
written,
but i hope you
sometimes smile
when you flip
back to the pages
i was still apart of."

autophobia;

fear of being alone or of oneself

the worst
thing is
watching
someone
drown
and not
being
able to
convince
them that
they can
save
themselves
by just
standing up.

​
you are not your age,
nor the size of clothes you wear,
you are not a weight,
or the colour of your hair,
you are not your name,
or the dimples in your cheeks,
you are all the book you read,
and all the words you speak,
you are your croaky morning voice,
and the smiles you try to hide,
you’re the sweetness in your laughter,
and every tear you’ve cried,
you’re the songs you sing so loudly,
when you know you’re all alone,
you’re the places that you’ve been to,
and the one that you call home,
you’re the things you believe in,
and the people that you love,
you’re the photos in your bedroom,
and the future you dream of,
you’re made of so much beauty,
but it seems that you forgot,
when you decided that you were defined,
by all the things you’re not.

in the moonlight
when i look up at the sky

i can see our scars

late at night
when i walk through the streets

the clear memories of the past
come up