​
All we do is drive.
All we do is think about the feelings that we had.
All we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign.
Sick and full of pride.
All we do is drive.

I never thought that someone could make me smile just by hearing their voice, or want to break down when they're away from me for more than a couple hours.  But isn't that weird, how these two things are both positive and negative but both show how much i love you.  I guess thats why so many people say love is a weakness, because while it strengthens you, it also makes you the most vulnerable you've ever been.

​
        he is the ocean waves
    and i am the stars
               we hold one another’s gaze each night
         until the morning light comes
     and we break

Recently, I haven’t been feeling myself.
I feel like I’ve lost myself over the years.  

There are more times of me feeling hollow, empty than of me being happy.  I don’t know how to explain it.  Nor do I even know how to fill that hole.  

People say that it’ll get better.  
                            What will? When? Why did it happen?

People say that things will change.
                            For better?  No. You don’t know that.

Often, I look out the window and imagine an alternate world.  Some place where I would be smarter.  Prettier.  Liked more.  Better.  

That wish might overlap with some people.

Being a Marvel fan, I always wanted to have Spider-Man powers.  And maybe a piece or fragment of Tony Stark’s intelligence and creativity.  

Creativity that I had lost over the years.  Intelligence that I never had to begin with.  Powers or abilities to make me proud of who I am.  Now I have none of those and the only thing that is left of me is the empty shell and the mask that I wear to hide.. me.

-

I’m not proud of myself.  Nor are my parents.  Not even my friends.  If they were to know who I was.  I hide behind smiles and jokes.  I use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance.  

No, my parents aren’t divorced.  No, I’m not disabled.  
Yes, I attend a fairly good school.  Yes, I have good people around me.  

Despite all the good things I have, I can’t stop feeling. Useless. Worthless. Not enough.  I don’t feel motivated to do anything.  I feel like the part of me that wants everything to end is taking over me day by day.  I sometimes want to jump out of the window but I fear pain.  I’m weak.  I want to buy pills and swallow the whole bottle but I don’t know what pills to buy.  It’s hard to get ahold on them here in Japan.  Should I burn everything I own before I die?  Or disappear after selling everything?  

I feel the need to do so so that my parents don’t have anything to look back on.  So they wouldn’t have to feel so ashamed about having me as a daughter.  I cry often now.  My father tells me that I did this to myself.  Bad grades.  Bad friendships.  No motivation.  I’ve disappointed many people in my life.  I cry feeling sorry for myself even though I have dug my own grave.  

I somehow never seem to learn.  I think there’s something wrong with me.  I’ve been telling my parents there’s something wrong with me but they just tell me I’m making up things.  Excusing myself from the reality that I am a disappointment.  That I messed up.  That I am dumb.  Useless.  I will never amount to anything.  I am hollow.  I am but a shadow of everyone else that used to be friends with me.  

I am not writing this for hope that I will change.  I just feel the need to put this out there.  Not for help.  I don’t seek help anymore.  Nothing will ever change.  

Some say, “Not with that attitude” but I’m tired of hearing those words.  I’ve already made and broken so many promises that I am not worthy of change.  Or a miracle.  I sometimes wish that whenever I go out to buy groceries, a car or truck will hit me.  I wish for an accident to happen so that I will die.  Or that something drastic would happen to me so that I will be away from everything.  Possibly in a hospital bed.  Possibly dying on the side of the road.  Possibly giving me a disability so that I could finally have an excuse of being who I am.  

I’ve imagined people at my funeral.  Not many will be there.  And even those who attend, will have never known the real me.  My true feelings.  About my friends, parents, education—everything and anything.  

I am writing this because I can’t tell anyone about this.  I understand that it doesn’t make sense.  Don’t worry about posting comments on this.  I will be glad that it has been read.  Although it was long.  I don’t know who you are or what you have been through.  I apologize for taking up your time.  

I don’t know what I am.  Who I am.  What I will be in the future.  I know nothing.

am i wasting my time
picking up broken pieces
of what could've been us?

am i wasting my time
fixing what could've been us?

am i wasting my time
thinking about you?

you're all i can think about
and it's killing me.

If you want to text first, do it.
Want to double text? Go for it.
If you like someone, tell them.
If someone makes you happy, say it.
If someone made you upset, talk to them and tell them why.

We spend so much of our lives playing games and trying to figure out our next move. We are afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of looking weak. ***** that. Do what you want to do and the right ones with move along with you. Life is too short to play by some made up rules.

you are not mine,
but sometimes
i pretend that
you wish you were

i create this idea
that you secretly
want me

and i often forget
it's just something
i've made up

you can smile as long as we're together

“i was thinking”

“about what?”

“those strange, irretrievable days”

Your lips tasted like alcohol that night, and since then I can't stay sober..

a prism

so dreamy,
      capturing that little fragment of time

from my      e y e s

autophobia;

fear of being alone or of oneself

I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶
I don't think there is
any comparison
between the current
hard times and
the coming good times

Z
　　E
　　　 R
　　　　 O
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.

"can we just stay like this for a little bit more?"


"ill stay anywhere, anytime, with you"

they tried to bury us

but they didn't know

we were seeds

The worst part about anything that's self destructive is that it's so intimate. You become so close with your addictions and illnesses that leaving them behind is like killing the part of yourself that taught you how to survive."

"please don't fall in love with me.
i'll write about the way your collar
bones curve and the way your lip
trembles when you're upset. i'll focus
more on the way you twiddle your
thumbs counter clockwise rather than
the words slipping from your mouth.
i'll remember your favourite song and
listen to it on repeat until the lyrics are
engraved into the crevasses of my
brain, but i'll forget why you prefer*
coffee over tea.  please don't fall in love
with me because once you realise i'm
not good enough, i'll write about you
until my palms bleed and my bones
begin to ache to serve as a reminder
that i should've tried harder to make
you stay. i should've focused more on
the feeling i got when you held me
rather than how many *******
freckles you had on your arms. i
should've woken you up to a fresh cup
*of coffee, not tea."

I'm just a broken piece of a puzzle
who will never find its other half

and who will be broken forever
and lost without the other half

knees wobble,
hands shake.

words tumble,
smiles fake.

heart racing,
nervous pacing.

sentence stutters,
voice falters.

feeling dizzy,
cause you'd see me.

lately
i haven't been
feeling well
and i'm sorry if
i don't smile as much
i'm sorry if
my words hurt a bit more
i'm sorry if
you don't like how i do things
and
i'm sorry if
instead of hurting myself
the way i used to
i am hurting you instead
it's hard to scream
without my voice
now i can't cry for help
now i have to wait
for someone to see me trying
i'm sorry.

don't feel bad.  
you're not the
only one i have
pushed away.

you're one of
the billions of
people that i
have pushed
away.

i don't want
someone to
stay and find
out that they
don't like me
at the end of
the day.

so don't feel
bad.

i don't let
anyone in
after what
happened
after i had
trusted
somebody
with my
heart.

i lost it.  

and him.

"time has already past, john"

                                                  "we can fix this.  please...we can-"

"i...i can't do this anymore"

                                                  "please... i'm sorry and i-"

"just stop. please."

                                                  "..."

"john...our love..what used to be our love is gone"

"we can't go back anymore"

"goodbye"

​
i never meant to start a war
i never meant to make you bleed
i never meant to hurt you
i never meant to start a fire
i never meant to make you cry

i do.
but I am afraid of making that love too important.
because you’re always going to leave me.
we can’t deny it.
you’re always going to leave.

the blue eyes they spark
but not without the sunshine
reflected from you

i sit here,
watching the
darkness, as it
swallows the
light of the day.

i sit here,
while the
moon climbs
its way up to
the dark sky,
and settles
itself, on the
high chair of
clouds in the
sky.

i sit here,
while the
chilly wind
hugs me,
and takes
my thoughts
with them.

i sit here,
waiting for
something
that will
never come.

i sit here,
out in the
moonlit city,
gazing up at
the stars.

the stars,
that gleam
with hope.

i sit here,
watching
stars that
gleam with
hope and
desire.

i'm sensitive,
i over think every little thing,
and I care way too much.

that moment
your lips
touched mine,

​
Everyone is afraid of it, the feeling of darkness and the icy coldness. The moment you see: no colours, no sounds, no light, nothing.

I need your love before I fall

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.

“
1. When I watched my favorite tv shows and movies hoping every character in love would be us one day.
2. When I started writing about you. Lyrics, poems, letters. It was all for you. I was never poetic before, but **** you gave me something to write about.
3. When I was crying outside, because my brain convinced me I didn’t deserve life and you just took one look at me about to cry, picked me up, and spun me in circles until I cried of laughter.
4. When you wiped away my tears in algebra after my best friend stabbed me so hard in the back my heart fell out of my chest.
5. When our conversations kept me wide awake, until the sun’s rays flooded my room, wondering what I was feeling. I knew I didn’t just think of you as a friend anymore.
6. When you FaceTimed me for hours after I broke to make sure I had someone to help me put myself back together. You wouldn’t let me fall apart.
7. When I couldn’t breathe after you’d surprise me by hugging me from behind at my locker or holding my waist as we walked from lunch.
8. When you called me at midnight asking if I was home, because you needed a hug. The moonlight lit up your face and the stars were nothing compared to your eyes.
9. When your touch set fire to my skin and your words set off explosions in my heart.
10. When she hurt you I wanted to break open her ribcage and fill it with dead flowers, because she was killing your soul.
11. When I held on to you. Even when you loved her after she tried to break you.
12. When I defended our friend to her boyfriend and he cussed me out and you told him that you’d break open your knuckles into his face if he ever talked to me like that.
13. When your brother was driving crazy to be silly and you told him he could drive like that with you in the car, but never with me.
14. When your smile made me feel alive, and your tears made me feel dead inside.
15. When your happiness became so important I felt it override mine.
16. When you told me you needed to leave and I agreed so you could find what you were looking for - I knew it wasn’t me.
17. When I told you to fight for her. Fight until it either works out or you realize she isn’t worth fighting for anymore.
18. When I saw your flaws.
19.When you saw my flaws.
20. When you said, “Love you,” and I said, “Love you too, buddy.”
21. When I realized I loved you over 20 different times, but didn’t say a word because I knew I wasn’t the one who made you happy.
”
—  When I knew I loved you. (All 21 times)

it is eerily terrifying that there is no sound when a heart breaks. car accidents end with a bang, falling ends with a thud, even writing makes the scratching sound of pencil against paper. but the sound of a heart breaking is completely silent. almost as though no one, not even the universe itself could create a sound for such devastation. almost as though silence is the only way the universe could pay its respect to the sound of a heart falling apart.

"im so tired."

                                                        ­                                                      "then sleep"

"it's not that"
                                                           ­                                   "then take medicine"

"it won't help"

                                                          ­                                       "then ask for help"

"it never helps"

                                                         ­                                             "are you okay?"

"you don't understand.
no one ever understands me"

listen to your body

talk to plants

       ignore people

if you can't see the other side
of my body, will you doubt its
existence?

there's no such thing as 'love'

am i that easy to forget?

we watched the sunset  
over the castle on the hill