is this what you wanted?
that bone-biting piece to shut the other down?
that old, sappy love song that meant so much to you, gone!
well congratulations, you've vaunted enough now.

you frowned upon seeing a work of yours praised,
why was that?
are you so selfish as to want to choose which pieces turn to dust and which become loved?
or is it that you are so greedy and to crave both pieces be famous, yes that's the one!
you don't care about either writes,
you only wish for more attention, and more!

is this what you wanted?
it must be, after all that has passed you have finally reached notice from other individuals
other than your family!
well congratulations, I hope you feel you've vaunted enough now,
you even wrote another piece to shade the other two!

is this what you wanted?

is this what you truly wanted?

oh snap.

guess who's back?

I'm one step closer to a heart attack.

these flashbacks drawn from a cutback, turned me into an insomniac,
twas only a matter of time until I had a cardiac

arrest me now, officer. I've done you all wrong.

'cause my heart lying in my breast no longer plays a loving song.

I'd love to play the rest, see who else would try and sing along,
but I best not cause more distress, I know where I belong.


this girl KC.

man, she's killing me.

thoughts grilling me, yeah they drilling me!
this thrilling feeling's chilling me to the core, like it's refilling a sea

that just won't quit. My anchor's heavy as ****.

my head's split a bit, teeth grit cause I'm full of these images of misfits, and culprits
whose crimes I didn't know they could commit-
they're all me- I'll admit I don't have a permit to

park my *** in this waste of mass class.

just mind the sass, my ego's thick as thick glass, and I don't have the strength to be harassed (rn).


hold up
>>Boi

I don't got time for this.

I need help, man, tell me what to do, I'm ******.

this story's this; I miss the abyss in which I could hiss at KC's every bish she brought home,
reminisce that shish in whish I could blissfully talk about french kissing her.

but now I got me a man.

but now she back I've got no game plan.

tell me can you show me again how life is more than her?

her name
it always came back to her beautiful ******* name
want to know how to make me truly happy for a moment?
say her name.
then watch as the hope from my face drops as quickly as it came
as I turn away blinking back petty tears
then cease to even look at you for the rest of the day
and barely engage in conversation for the rest of the week
not to mention the multiple bandages that appear along my arms and legs and stomach

her smile
I never saw it
after all we never sent each other pictures
just two kids talking across the world from each other
one trying to save the other
not knowing yet why anyone would dare cut their skin on purpose:
me
the one resisting to be saved:
her
trying not to put all her problems on me
knowing I was stupid enough to believe an 'I'm fine.'
sometimes smiling however at my lame jokes
and as I began to say
I never saw it
but I felt it
I felt it coming all the way from wherever she lived
it could have been down the road for all I know, we don't talk to our neighbours much
but even if she was living in Australia
I felt her smile

her voice
I never heard it
but I knew what it sounded like
deep
but smooth like honey
comforting and sweet
the best sound in the world
the only reason I could fall asleep at night

her gay posts on G+
the place we met
the place where I learned
she was gay as heck
the place I learned
I was bi as heck
the place she gave me a nickname
It had been a nice thing to do when you were young,
sending kiss emojis to your friends.
She took this as a romantic gesture
yet knew that when I did it, it was for fun.
She called me 'Frenchy'.
as in french kissing
except we said it was short for something else
'French fries', the American way of saying 'chips'
I found it fun
I called her 'Lavender'
Because I love the smell of it
I love the name
it helps me fall asleep still
plus
I could call her 'Lav' for short
which sounds like 'Love' if you think about it

I didn't mean it in any way like that though
Not at the time.

There were many things she said to me
that I will keep forever
locked away in the deep dungeons of my heart
never to be exposed
for fear someone might know too much
no friends for me, thank you. no one could be like KC.

However there is one thing I would like to share.
I posted a picture because I liked it's background.
It's quote meant nothing to me
at the time
It said

'I just want someone to hold me and tell me I'm not as worthless as I think I am.'

Only one comment.
From KC.
From Lavender.
She said

"You're not worthless Frenchy, you're priceless."

I,
being the way I was at the time,
replied with a
"Thanks Lavender, you too