The sudden empty feeling in my gut
That once held so much promise
The overwhelming sadness every time my period arrives with the searing reminder that no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't stop the blood
Watching my body revolt the only good thing to come into my life an feeling so betrayed
trying so hard not to be spiteful of those whose babies are happy and healthy
laying in the hospital bed begging to god to please just let my twins make it
feeling all I had worked for slip through my fingers like sand.
they may have just been an A and a B but god to me it was so much more.
they were the sun finally breaking through the storm clouds.
I was supposed to be their protector  
but I found myself so drained from the pain
praying for it to just end
but the hours dragged by
not even being able to look at myself, with the guilt that it was my fault tainting every once hopeful thought.
It was not my fault.
I did everything right
Changed my life for them
the hope in my eyes emptying down my cheeks
But they came an went
like the tide at dawn almost as soon as they had arrived
the most beautiful specks I have ever seen.
they showed me how strong I could be an hugged me inside out
I know they would have been proud to have a mommy like me.
the baby commercials that used to bring such excitement an joy
now just bring sobs.
and the rifts created between those who just cant understand
with the friendly advise to just keep it quiet since "no one will
believe you if you tell them anyways"
the shame that comes when I passed someone who knows
feeling like a failure.
fighting back tears as people who do not know ask how my babies are coming along.
I  do not know what I did to deserve this, but I know someday when the time is right.
they will be back
to heal the wounds left by unspoken goodbyes.
or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

I am an old puzzle
Once artfully put together by loving hands
trying to make out the picture
Tenderly admiring how every piece so abstract can be put together to make something so stunning
But time is crule
And my edges are frayed
I know I might not always glide perfectly into the spaces you cut me to fit.
But I was left half finished
When the artful hands became bored and preoccupied by new and more beautiful things.
With pieces of me slowly getting lost a long the way
Yet even though I am unfinished and forgotten
I hope someday
when your moving through your day
You find a piece tucked away
Somewhere your mind
hasn't drifted in years
And you remember how you put me together, with loving hands
And couldn't wait to see me complete
I hope you remember me

Death is in a way a pleasing thought
But also a permanent choice
It's better to wait
Death will always be there
Life won't

You call it drowning, but I call it breathing.
For I kiss temporary lips with permanence hoping I can train them to stay.

I feel lonely.
And thats very hard to admit.
Though there's always people just out of reach, I am always seemingly lonely.
The people who I tell this to all promise they are there an never beyond my finger tips.
And yet I am lonely.
The wish to just sneak away an leave this world behind is always tucked in plain sight in my mind.
But The fear of those who would hurt there after is worse then the desired pain of the impact. The problem lies within the thought if I die. Are any of the problems solved? Am I any less alone,
Or have I just forced That pain onto the ones who clame to be Within grasp. But if they are to be So near. when I drop towards the ground arms wide ready to leave this all behind will they notice in time to hold out there arms and catch me.
Or will they only see the stain of a smile That once wore proudly across my face.
Not realising in time that it had faded to nothing but a memory I was unable to pry back from my soul.
Would they unknowingly stand by as I didn't dare cry. But hold my head high as I bid goodbye, would I no longer feel lonely if I was in heaven with you.

I do not welcome death with open arms, but I want to swim out in to the ocean untill im to tierd to swim back.
An I wonder if I haunt his dreams the way he torments mine.
To hold close for such a breif second, only to have it riped from my finger tips for he cannot love me as I Need.
I want to fall asleep in his arms I just need him to want me.
Why is all my poetry to him, when he couldnt care less but someday when I am gone I hope he reads these an knows.
Knows he still dwells with me in my dreams.

If you could feel the weight of my words. You would sink to the bottom of the ocean like a brick.
When I Say that I miss u I truly do mean it.
I could write You a love poem That could summon the gods. But it would never fully portray my lust. For I will take you to every beautiful place. Hold your Hand as the stars tumble down. I will show You how much it can truly hurt when I leave. Then you will finally miss me. For dear  my lust is to heavy for words. No man such as you could understand.  i crave the feeling of your body close to mine the warmth from your breath on my neck.
I will show you how to make love. Your hands sending shock waves thougout my body. But As the clouds of dust  settle from my steps I will prove why storms are named after people. I will hold you as the clouds close in. I will hurt You So beautifully you shall beg for it. over an over again