I started missing you early on.
I started missing you while I was still with you.
I missed you while I was sitting across from you
while your grin still lit up my heart.
I missed you while your mouth was on me
with your tongue sending me into a spiral.
I started missing you when I realized we wouldn't last.
I started letting you go before I left you.
I tried to pretend that that wasn't the case,
I tried to stay oblivious.
I should have left you the first time.
I could have left you the first time,
if I had just let myself face it.
If I had faced the fact that you would only warm my bed for a small portion of my life.
But I stayed long enough for you to latch on
and begin building a home inside of my heart.
It wasn't fair to either of us;
I should have let you go the moment I started missing you,
but I'm a hopeful dreamer.
My kindness in the end hurt us more than it could have.
But I still don't know what that means.
Does that mean I should give up the second I'm unsure?
That jaded lifestyle will leave me lonely.
But I don't want to stay long enough to let it fester,
for my heart to commit another naive suicide.
Your presence may seem a cruel one for life to inflict on me,
but life isn't supposed to be easy.

You ignited a fire in me;
A hungry desire to do better;
One that was seemingly waiting to be lit.

I've learned so much.
You've helped me put things together,
and to find some pieces.
I curse life for breaking my heart like that
But I beg it to do whatever it needs to do
If I need to break
Hundreds of times
To become who it is I want to be
Then so be it
Life should not be bland
I should experience everything there is to
I feel like it's debatable on whether I can survive this
Like if I have to face it again I won't be able to
But I can
And I will
I will grow and become stronger
Though it will ******* me still
Sooner or later I'll begin to know
What to give and what to leave to fate
Though you seem big right now
In comparison to the picture life will paint for me
You are but a small part
To a large masterpiece

Like the wide open sky surrounding us
the day I brought you home
with the warm breeze feathering my flushed cheeks

Surrounded
with a hint of the deep quarry
that I grew up splashing in

And the clouds
that bring rain down to patter
on the plants in my garden
and wet the leg of my jeans

I'm too young
to have lived like this;
I'm too young
to have given my heart,
my bed,
my life,
To you.
But I offered it to you.
No man could resist

                                    If you loved me;
If you were truly the man I worshiped,
you wouldn't have let me.
You would have tried harder
to tell me to care about my life.
But you and I
withhold a sweet selfishness,
and not even I can blame you
for stripping the last pieces of my childhood
right off of my body

Before I left you
You sheared off all of your long hair
The hair I spent endless hours admiring

She'll never have those soft curls wrapped around her fingers
That one thing
She'll never have

My beautiful curls

Thank you for putting me through hell. You made me realize
how much I wanted heaven.