"Anything" we said
For you,
"Anything"
& in undying infatuation
I hold my word

However
Your promised "Anythings" turn to "nothings" lately
Your kisses, rushed to end
Your talks, short & everywhere
What ever happened to anywhere?
Perhaps I am overthinking!
I'm aware they often tend to take what's good for me & make it out bad

These Thoughts.

But aren't you the one that wanted one?
My carnal mind,
Locked up for fear of repeating past sins
I hid this side for a reason.
You told me you wanted this freed
Well now, darling, he tortures me with "anything"
& I can't seem
To tame this wild beast, see?
With more of my love ever-growing,
He wants you.
So why did you want him free
Muddling up my mind with unsweet "anythings". Was I
Reefing him out of my darkest seas
So he can blame you while he crushes me?

I never liked this side
But I give you "Anything"
& I always figured I'd give you my pain
I guess I also partly assumed you'd notice it.
Unreciprocated? Over-thought? Or am I simply going insane?

I heave them: Silence
But unlike the others
He does not work at hurting me through me,
Through things that I have done & have let made me. No.
He, villainous,
Hurts me through you
What you don't do.

Well unlike him, I am very patient for you darling
So I will leave him free for your pleasure.
Yet, in the meantime, I have to ask of you this. Please.
Because now, be that as it may be temporary,
our infections have to slumber in separate rooms
& textbooks conclude we meet on separate moons
So darling, will you talk to me soon?
Before he brings my fear come true
& finds a way for me, to use
to lose you.

Having Depression is like finding out that mermaids are real
It doesn’t make sense to you until you’re getting dragged to the bottom of the ocean
And then you think
Oh
That’s what this is
And I’m drowning now,
That’s just……… great
And eventually, with your last vestiges of breath left
You float back to the surface
And you’re fine.
And that’s it.
Mermaids stop existing again.
Because you never actually saw what grabbed you
You only felt the claws around your leg
The cold, clammy hands tugging
With a force that you could never fight against
But you never saw her
So it was all a dream
Right?
And it happens again and again
You are drowning again and again
Until the water begins to feel like home
And the only thing reminding you that you are alive
Is the burning in your lungs
And when everything you had balanced so very carefully starts falling
Off the shelves of your life
When your “mild” depression starts deciding it wants to be more
When being alone makes you feel dead inside
And when losing your cool for one ******* second makes you contemplate your own demise
When do you admit to yourself that you are slipping
You are sinking and just because you can slow your descent
Does not mean that you’re not still drowning
And at the end of the day just because it took you longer to get there this time
Doesn’t mean you aren’t still lying on the ocean floor
Devoid of light and sound
And if you had just climbed onto that now distant boat and sailed away
You’d be fine.
But climbing was too hard
And sinking is so much easier
And you’re scared that if you reach out
Your hands will feel clammy and cold
As they wrap around your friends throats
And drag them down with you
And you would rather rot at the bottom of an endless sea
Than let that happen
So you lie in darkness and wait
For a sound
The singular resounding sound
Of failure
And you slowly float back to the surface
Take a deep breath
And you’re fine.
Because mermaids aren’t real
It’s all in your head

They say be still child
For every drop of love you hold concealed within your heart will
Eventually
Find their oceans.

But ribs are cages

They say when we are young,
The wilderness in our chest will seem untameable at first but will
Eventually
Find its Peace.

Some too fearful to permit further damage to these wild hearts behind ribbed cages pose tranquility
In Romeo’s potions,
Inevitably finding numbness.

Yet strangely enough no matter how much light one sheds on the shadows,
“The world is a dark place” always

Then perhaps this concept of being still
much like procrastination
Is only to calm the seas for a moment

While the moon escapes...

To love the sun...

Eventually...
No More.