and in the
cracks and crevice
and crannies
of my broken heart

light entered

brightness filled me

and illuminated
the darkness within

Wishing, aching, dying
For your touch,
Hungry, Starving, ravenous
For your love.

My figure, forlorn
My cheeks, hollow
My eyes, lifeless

My breathing, labored
My stomach, rumbled
My heart, empty.

Touch me,
Let your fingers linger, delving further,
Feed me,
I am all skin and bones.

Fill me up,
Cup by cup.
Until I'm full
To the brim.

Be my panacea,
Be my manna,

*Be mine.

Why does it hurt?

Because you assumed
Because you expected

Because for you it was
True
Because for you it was
Real

But for him
It wasn't

Because you fell
Down a flight of stairs
No one there to catch you

Because your bones
Arms
Elbows
Wrist
Legs
Knees
Ankles
Are now broken

Because your heart
Is now *broken

so, you long to escape?
escape to the heavens?
you want to be lost in the cosmos,
let the velvet sky wrap you
and the stars comfort you?
you want to hide behind the sun and the moon
and take solace in the planets?

so, you long to escape?
please take me with you

i may not cross paths
with you
during the day
as often as i'd like
but i see you everyday
at night
every night

i see you
in the stars
and
in the moon
i see you
in the velvet sky
in the clouds that pass by

i see all of you
all five feet eight inches tall
paisley skin
tousled hair
****** eyes

i see you

Ahh,
To be fed by
Your smiles, your kisses,
Is all that I've ever
Craved.

To be enveloped by
The pen of your arms
Is all that I've ever
Longed.

To be touched and caressed by
You,
Your flesh agaisnt mine
Skin to skin
Fingers trailing down
My back
My *******
Is all that I've ever
Ached.

Ahh,
To be loved by
You
Is all that I've ever
Craved
Longed
Ached.

To be loved by
You
Is all that I've ever
Dreamed
Wanted
Needed.

ANG BABOY by John Iremil E. Teodoro

Sugot takin nga mangin baboy
Kon ang tangkal ko mga butkun mk.
Basta damogan mo lang ako
Kang imo nga yuhum kab haruk
Aga, hapon.
Dali man lang ako payambukun.
Ang pangako mo man lang
Nga indi ako pagpabay-an
Amo ang bitamina nga akun
Ginatomar.
Kag kon gabii gani
Ang mga apuhap mo man lang
Sa akun likod kag dughan
Anb makapahuraguk kanakun.


THE PIG translated by Leoncio P. Deriada

I am willing to be a pig
Provided your pen is my arms.
As long as you feed me
With your smile and kiss
Morning, afternoom.
It is easy to make me fat.
Your promise
Not to abandon me
Is the vitamins
I take.
And during nighttime
It's your touch
On my back and breast
That can make me snore.

You're staring daggers
Right at me.
Your tongue,
a sword.
Your mouth,
a gun.
Your words
Are bullets,
And you never miss a shot.

I am stripped bare
Before you:
No shield,
No mail hauberk,
No helmet.
I am stripped naked
Before you.

My skin pockmarked
Blue, violet,
And in some cases black,
As I suffer the bruises
From the punches and the jabs.

My body covered
In exit wounds:
Bullet wounds,
And knife wounds,
As I endure the
Metal piercing me.

My fingers bleeding
As I hold on to the shards
Of our broken hearts.

You are my downfall.
My undoing.
You are the
Bane of my existence.

And everyday,
I die
A thousand deaths
Because of you.

A few days, weeks,
Months, years
Have passed.
Still, I can remember.

The naked, exposed,
Trembling turtle
On its dying breath.
Still, I can remember.

The waves lapping
On the hollow shell,
Flesh exposed to the ocean.
Still, I can remember.

The memory of the
Hawk devouring the turtle,
Naked, exposed, trembling.
Still, I can remember.

A few days, weeks, months,
Years have passed.
Naked, exposed, trembling,
I can still remember.

When shall I ever forget
The cry nobody hears
Of a naked, exposed, trembling,
Dying turtle?

*In response to Lucila Hosillo's poem:

I witnessed
the feasting of a hawk on a turtle,
it was upturned and exposed dry
after it had been left by the high tide on the shore,
and I didn't notice it right away;
the soft belly
was unshelled by the hawk's beak,
the white flesh pecked,
swallowed fast;
when I drove it away
the hawk poised for attack,
I scooped sand with my hand, cast it at the hawk,
it minded not;
I threw a stone at it,
hits its back with a thud,
it let go of the trembling turtle
and disappeared in the air.

What would I do with a turtle
still alive, without flesh, trembling?
if I buried it, the worms would eat it
so I let it drift towards the ocean depths;
it was no longer my concern
where the waves would take it;
I didn't want to watch
its final quivering.

It was etched in my mind
that in extreme agony
the dying turtle
couldn't weep, couldn't shout.

On tv one night
I saw the shooting
of a soldier of his friend
wounded and no longer of any use.

When shall I forget
the cry nobody hears
of a dying turtle?

Our story told in seven years, fourteen verses.

YEAR ONE
I met you and
You met me and
We got to know each other.
There were ups and
There were downs and yet
We never stopped getting to know
each other.

YEAR TWO
We got separated but
It never stopped us.
Long distance friendship
Never stopped us.
Never stopped me from knowing
You have an older brother.
Never stopped you from knowing
I have two younger ones.

YEAR THREE
We couldn't take the
d i s t a n c e.
We couldn't take the
time apart.
Through this closeness,
I got to know that
You liked your coffee
In the morning with
No breakfast.
You got to know that
I liked my mornings
With milk and
Breakfast.

YEAR FOUR
We've had silly arguments
Here and there,
But that didn't stop us
From getting to know each other.
Your favorite color is
Pink.
Mine is orange (and blue and white).
And you said,
"Who in the world likes the color
Orange?"
And I replied,
"Me."
I never said anything about the
Color pink.

YEAR FIVE
We surprised you
This year.
Hazelle, Rol, Love,
Min, Zaska, Nin,
Bo, Lyng, and Agustin,
and Me.
It was your
18th birthday.
18 years of you,
17 years of me,
5 years of us,
5 years of our
F r i e n d s h i p.

YEAR SIX
We go together this year
On my birthday,
You and a couple
Of our friends.
A few days earlier
You turned the tables
And Hazelle, Rol, Love
Min, Zaska, Nin,
Bo, Lyng, Agustin,
and you
Surprised me.
18 years of me.

YEAR SEVEN
They say when a
Friendship
Exceeds the seven -year mark
It is for a
Life time.
So this is our take
Of making something
That will last
Even when
Our bones are crushed,
Our bodies numbed,
Our voices hushed.

But the truth is a far cry
From this.
The truth is
Less pretty
Less romantic
Less.

YEAR ONE
I met you and
You met me.
Laboratory mates
On search
During
Independence Day.

Lunch mates
Text mates
Days in between
Group mates
(School)Work mates
When the need be.

But bonds can be
b r o k e n.
And you became
One of them
Itches
We call you.
Rich *******
Get it?

But then we
Rekindled the lost fire
Bonds can be broken
(Bonds with the wrong people)
Laboratory mates
Lunch mates
Text mates
Group mares
(School)Work mates
F r i e n d s
(Best friends maybe)

YEAR TWO
We got separeted
And at first
It didn't stop us
But eventually
We began to
Drift
A p a r t
Bonds CAN indeed be broken
B r o k e n
(And you became one of them)

What happens when
You don'y exceed the
Seven-year friendship mark?
You begin to
Drift
A p a r t
Until your bones are crushed
Your body numbed
Your voice hushed.

A part of me is falling for you: my tears.

If only I could give you
The sky,
The moon,
The stars,

I would.

But I could only give you
My heart.

I hope that's enough.

You've stripped
Me down,
Unclothed me,
Til I am
No more
Bare skin and bones.
But
Naked Emotions
Running wild,
And you've seen
The parts of me
You shouldn't have.
And you've reached
The depths of me
No one has ever
Had before.

people are colors
in my life
of black and white

but you are
a spectrum
of hues and shades

and though
some colors left
i never truly felt
dull

In the silence
That followed
After I tore
Us apart

I learned that
My mind
Could be
So loud
My heart
So restless

A sigh escapes
My lips
Tears fall down
My eyes

Loving you was
All I've ever known
Yearning you
And craving us
Is all that's left
For me
To do.

I may write
Like someone
Who doesn't
Know the
Difference
Among

Their
They're
There

I may not
Be like
Neruda, Barrett-Browning
Or Shakespeare

But these
Words

They have
Helped me

These
River of words
Ocean of thoughts
Sea of feelings

Have soothed
My soul

Helped me

Healed me

Filled me up

Until
I am
Whole
Again

Ours is a love
so intense
It burns us
to our cores
Revealing our
naked bodies, our
raw emotions

We succumb to it
engulfed by it
Until we are no more
two  bodies

but one.

If love is when reality is finally better than your dreams, then I’m exactly the opposite of it. Reality can’t seem to bend its rules to let me have a good life. Dreams though are different. They are the products of our imagination. Dreams are something that we truly own. We can force it to be whatever we want it to be, whatever would suit or satisfy us. It was given to us because sometimes, we need a temporary escape from the cruel clutches of Life.

When you
Realize
That life
Is one piece
Of
Shameless
****

You decide
You no
Longer
              care . . .

And the girl sits in the corner, staring into nothingness, remembering the signals she misread. She thinks she was a fool to believe that he liked her. She was so full of the Love crap that she closed her eyes to the possibility that maybe the guy was just fooling around. Because of too much expecting, look what happened to her now? She now has this permanent faraway look that suggests that her soul is not in her body. She is so passive that you may think she is a rag doll. She has changed. The once magnet of all things bright and cheerful has turned into the queen of loneliness. Days and weeks pass and still, she remains the same. Her shattered heart remains broken. The guy that’s supposed to fix her left her to fix herself. Her world crumbles as if Atlas is finally giving up because of the weight of all her problems. Her knight in shining armour is no more than a fake pardoner tricking people.

Friends try to reverse the process but to no avail. She is different now. The happening opened her eyes and brought her to a whole new level of experience. For weeks she has been impassive but now, she awakes to find herself looking through the world with a new pair of eyes, she has learned to take that mistake and turn it into a weapon to be used for future emergencies. It gives her strength. It gives her knowledge. It gives her a sense of freedom. To be free from her old naive self and to feel the authority that resides within her. The thirst to redeem herself, her dignity. As she tries to recall everything, an explosion erupts inside of her. And as the old self burns away, a new one, a fierce one is formed from the ashes. The fire that burns inside her turned into a fierce, blue flame; dangerous yet beautiful.

Reminiscing the Moments
Do you remember me? Because I remember you. YOU. Everything about you. The way you walk. The way you talk. How you dress up. The night we argued. How you wanted to say sorry but I wouldn’t let you. You caressed my cheek and held my arm. You looked into my eyes and it seemed you were trying to reach my soul. I remember the glimmer in your eyes, it sent sparks down my body when you touched me. I was filled with warmth and happiness. A tingling feeling engulfed me and I could have melted right then and there, but I didn’t. I just stared on ahead, ignoring you. There was a sly smile playing on your lips as you were thinking that you finally got me. You were right. You did. My face stayed blank but my mind, my heart, my body, they were one. If my face registered ignorance, my body sure didn’t. It was screaming, and my organs were trashing around, dancing to the rapid beat of my heart, matching their tempos to that of my thoughts.

As I’m typing this right now, reliving the memories, I could feel the same warmth, the same flutter in my stomach, craving for the electricity that once flowed through me.

  I remember you.

the only difference
between
you
and me

is that
you're a rich
b^tch

i'd give you that

you may also be
b e a u t i f u l

but sweetie
when you open
your damnf^ck
mouth

ALL your b e a u t y
flies out of it

when you
f^cking
talk

no doubt
everyone
would say
"The problem with the world
is that
intelligent people are full of doubts

while
the stupid ones are full of confidence."

you laugh
that scandalous laugh
all the while

looking like a f^cking druggie

you high b^tch?

you call yourself tripolar

Raava most high
forgive her

My dreams are made up of you
I even thought that It will be "I do, I do too."
That kiss that started our whole history
Will just vanish and forever be a mystery.

I always thought this would be forever
But I don't think that we could still recover
It stings like beautiful honey bees
But this feeling will slightly fade into the seven seas.

Dreams that are fading away,
Dreams showing that you will forever stay
The end of this wonderful and beautiful journey
The last chapter that closes our story.

For the colors red, orange,
Yellow, green, blue,
Forming the rainbow
With indigo and violet too,

For the sun over head,
The ocean, the waves, and the sea,
The heat and the warmth I feel,
The footprints in the sand I see,

For the stars and the moon,
That twinkle in the night,
They accompany me
Providing the evening light,

For good times and bad times,
And things in between,
The places I've been to,
And the things I have seen,

For the food that I eat,
The music I hear,
Sweets, and sweet melodies
Are always near.

For my head, and my body,
My hair, nose, and eyes,
My mouth, and my mind,
A being so wise.

For my parents,
Brothers, and sisters,
All my loved ones,
Friends and teachers,

For all of these,
And many more,
For all of these,
**It is you Father, I thank for.

You
With the unthinkable past
Of carnal assault
And emotional onslaught,

You
With the walking dead dad
In the abandoned great house
Of unfilled pool of dreams,

You
Who always gets oppressed
Lashed, slashed
With harsher words from tongues of swords,

You
With the strained smile
But with the striking laugh
Behind caged, teeth,

You
With the broken geometry fantasy
Full of unstable biological chemistry
Ready to burst,

You
With the muffin top
Sausage arms and beefy legs
With the bacon skin,

You with the holed shoes
Holed pockets
Holed soul...and heart,

You
Who is reading this now
Who is my greatest opportunity
(not my best mistake because honey, you ain't mistake)
Who is the love of my life, center of my being


Who is my all,

**i love you

To my innocence, naivety, and viridity
Childish ways, high school days.
A mere three weeks, I say good bye
With a cry, a tear, a sigh.

To blue slacks, and a polo
Black shoes and white socks
To my pink skirt, and white blouse,
Pleated, soon to be folded.

To the OHS rooms of our first and second years:
The broken windows, and tantrum-kicked chairs,
The broom box behind the spider webbed chalkboard,
Messages on the wall hand printed in red and green.

The broken doorknobs, and broken floorboards,
Carved armchairs, and eaten chalks,
Missing brooms and dustpans and garbage cans and rugs
That show up in who knows where
Stolen by jani- we know who.

The witnesses and victims
To our random laughter (from some Chinese-looking girl’s corny joke).
Our random tears.
Our not so random learnings.
The pillars of our memories.

To the PF rooms of our third year:
The storage room turned gigantic garbage can and dressing room (maybe because ours keep being stolen)
The exploding socket causing sparks to fly (and us to fly away from it), and
The amazing “alambre” lock; who knows who installed (as if that could keep us away).
The earthquake resistant rooms would be missed.

To the New High School Building of our last years:
The kicked door (not our fault!), and cancerous blinds (like hairs falling after chemo),
The jigsaw floor (not sure if better than broken floorboards),
The “Halayan 2012”, and
The mind-boggling “no key needed” lockers.


The UTMT with its fair share of mango sentences,
The old guidance office now turned “tambayan”, and
The Computer lab with its fragile yellow chairs and bruised bums.

To Ibong Adarna plays, and the half cooked uncooked Teriyaki,
Generation X (and Generation NOW! and Generation Facebook),
Jai ** dances, and cheerleading,
Kalagon Kamo Namon,
And Mickey Mickey Mouse Kabit-bintana memories.

To the NikJep Tandem,
Kanlaon Boys Behind the Flowers,
D.H.A.I.N.G. (not sure if they remember this),
Fred vs Gino version
And DewBheRhieTart.

Keep the volcanoes of memories burning.

To blue paint, and blue shirts,
And Geometry teaching us
“There are a lot of solutions to a problem.
We just have to find one that suits us.”

To saying “***”,
And cooking imbutido.
And wearing (for some designing) reduced,
Reused, recycled clothing.
And dissecting.
And parrot-Filipino teachers (she gave me P30 for load though).

Keep the river of rumination flowing.

To being scared of one whole sheet of paper,
Two becoming one,
Party rocking to make up for the tears,
And knowing we should have won.

To the hand sanitizer girls,
The Cream-o-holics,
The Canterbury Crusaders,
The Valenciana eaters.

May our tree of friendship continue growing.

To our winnings!

The glow in the dark madness,
The Lakan at Mutya clutch-heart-moments,
The Sports Fest *******,
Basketball girls’ coronation!

To the fieldtrips and failed trips,
To air conditioned crammings,
And space and time bending
To comparing notes (and sometimes other things)
Copying notes, sometimes photocopying
(Not Xeroxing)
Sharing words, phrases, sentences
And giving pictures (via Bluetooth).

May you keep walking on the right direction,

To the expectations achived,
Broken, overtaken.
All the skepticism,
Constructive criticism.

All of it.

The in-your-face-we-did-it-baby-
We-are-awesome-you-can’t-bring-us-do­wn-
Coz-we-rise-back-up-attitude.

To Arielle
And Mhae

To Amica
Marie
Narzcisa
Cyan
Fred
Theo
Alvinson
Anthony
Faith
Karmil­la
Matt
Jeffson
Lourince

To Carolyn

To Makayla

To the thirty-five castaways in this room
The thirty-five castaways who struggled
The thirty-five castaways who persevered
The thirty-five castaways who fought, cried, made up, laughed, shared, gave, back-stabbed, and front-stabbed, celebrated, suffered, passed
Thirty-five
Thirty-five castaways who loved,
Thirty-five

Thirty-five castaways who made it, who did it.

To Nikki
Hazel
Alyssa
Gef
Veni
Alex
Jaykee
Bernard
Myra
Vince
Chanta­lle
Josen
Jerian
Shaira
J
Uriah
Ihra
Renz
Bless
Steffany
Angel
Fl­orey
Bernadine
Antonette
Rency
Owen
Majah
Gino
Marcelo
Ney
Keith
­Joselle
And Jessa,

We did it guys.
We really did.

Bruised and scarred
Save my heart
It's bleeding out
Demons coming out.

Time flies.

My love, it's shattered
Replace me, replace it
Shake it out
Shake it out

If you only knew
I wish you knew

Sitting
Waiting
Wishing

Until the last falling star.

No one on my side
I walk alone.
This barren path I trod, full of
Broken glasses, sharp nails.

No one beside me
I'm on my own.
A one man army
Against these demons that haunt me.

No one is with me
I am alone.
Facing hail, snow, storm
**I am alone.

Afternoons spent crying, weeping
Nights a-howling, raging.
Love covers them all up, calming
Like chocolates a-dripping.

Loneliness, frustration, sadness,
Melancholy, and anger boiling.
Love coats them all up, sweetening
Like chocolates a-dripping.

A bar of caramel, a sound
A visit in sense from all around
You fill me all up, embracing
*Like chocolates a-dripping.

Swift things are beautiful:
The fleeting glance of your crush,
The heartbeat that hauls,
And the cheeks that red flush.
In the blink of an eye,
Stomach filled with butterflies,
The high waves that you ride.

And slow things are beautiful:**
The small pause between you two,
Time seems to stop the world
Except for the both of you.
The feelings you harbor
The heartbeat and butterflies,
Cheeks red with color.
You wait for it to subside.

I love you
I love you more each day
I love you more
I love you even more than i say
I love you most
I love you most in every way

I love you
I love you too**, that's all you have to say.

Marmalade trees tangerine skies
Honeyed rays from the sun
My citrus feelings are starting to peel
Orange emotions started to run

Riding the peaches
Round and round we go
The seeds in the middle
The sweet juices flow

Pulps around my melon thoughts
Or cinnamon flesh
You and i both know
Our caramel love forever fresh.

I don’t know
I’m confused, can’t think straight
Dizzy, blurry thoughts, can’t focus on one,
Zooming in, zooming up; passing in, no way out.

I don’t know**
What to feel, what to do
What to say, how to react
And especially who to choose.

I’m weighing the chances
I’m weighing my feelings
I’m weighing the consequences
I’m weighing everything.

Still, I don’t know
I can’t decide; I’m lost in the valley of Choice
To go left or right, I don’t know
I’m lost in the sea of Confusion.

Milky way around me
stars, sun, planets, the moon
interstellar, interplanetary
orbits, i commune

The heavens surround me
galaxies, constellations, nebulae
across my cosmic journey
for revolutions i'll stay

The cosmos envelope me
dark stars, black holes, supernova
flames in my tail I see
celestial brightness of my strata

Heavenly bodies you and me
falling star, giant star, dwarf star
my love is quasar-like energy
a bolide of us is not far

Astronomical intensity
alpha centauri,sirius, achernar
encompasses their enormity
unlike pulsars, we are shooting stars

No communication, no contact
No anything. Just memories
Memories which I feel don’t mean anything to you.
I couldn’t let go of them.
Memories – the only ones I hang on to when all others around me crumble.

I couldn’t seem to let go of them.
Even when I know its over,
I still think about it, the past.
Now, I don’t think you feel the same way;
I think you’re slowly backing away from me, from us.
But when I think about it, there’s no us.
There never was. Just you and me. You. Me.
You and me, but never us.