a striking slice along the creamy white
freckle galaxy that is my thighs

is this what i've become?

a dab of crimson, slow pour at first
then a scarlet waterfall, perfect picture of my pain.

why did i do this

throbbing pain, dulling my senses
my mind is numb, almost at ease.

it hurts, i knew it would

gently easing cotton over wound,
bittersweet burgundy blood, feeding into pristine purity

what have i done

If birth control pills could give a buzz
"Unwanted" pregnancy would no longer be a
Problem

I bet the one who survived best
Was the one who did just enough
to spare the lash, but taste no ire
who slipped away when shots were fired

I wonder how they saw themselves
a rat, a man?
God knows what else

In thought as in plan,
in work as in bust

Everything is as was ever done.

Once
I was with a boy
Who was the video games I played to waste time
He was a few years older than me
And had better understanding of love
I couldn't love him
The way he loved me
And so I hurt him

Once
I was with a boy
Who was the songs that played in my head
He loved me
But I couldn't say it back
I know he cared
But he brought out the worst in me
Encouraged me to let my demons take control
So I left him

I never thought I'd love someone
It took me a long time
To realise that I had loved before
And that I could love at all

Now
I'm with a boy
Who is the words in my heart
He inspires me to be better
Makes me laugh on quiet days
And understands when I can't smile
He holds me
Doesn't let me be sad
He's everything I want
And everything I didn't know I needed

Those sometimes
    those moments of time….
I’ve Had My Times.      

        I’ve had my times….
times of feeling loss, pain, hurt
   times of wanting to run, to leave
   to go far away where nobody knows me…
   there was a time when i was carefree, loving life
   and in one moment,
                      in one little moment, it was gone.
i’ve been beaten down, i’ve had my innocents ripped away
     [fifteen-year abusive marriage]       [***** at sixteen]
i’ve cried a river or maybe it’s been an ocean of tears….
           [pain consumed my life for many years]
i’ve felt the hand of death too many times
my soul has bled, my heart….. has known much pain
    i’ve looked through windows of dark blue
seen streaks of red…
                               pondered black holes…
                  have had days of staying in bed…  
sometimes i’ve wanted the world to just go
                                                         leave me behind
let me be, let me die….

BUT……  
I’ve had those moments of time when….
    
                               i’ve held new life in my hands
heard the beauty of a newborns cry
       i’ve seen the beauty of an ocean sunset
gazed wondrously at sea spirits’ dancing on the water
i’ve breathed deeply in the fresh mountain air
          felt the softness of a breeze
                like gentle fingers moving through my hair
           i’ve seen the old find new love
                  an amazing magical sight to see…
i’ve watched my children build beautiful lives
      not always perfect but, full of hopes and dreams.
i’ve learned to give through my pain
   i’ve seen and felt passion
            i’ve walked through fire
               and found true beauty on the other side.
   i look for beauty every day, even when it’s hard to do
i let love flow to every part me
                                                 giving the best to you.
  i let it consume me because falling into the depths
     of the demons of my past, would destroy
that part of my soul i have fought so hard to get back
to keep, so i let love, passion, and beauty consume me.
   And I Forever Will…..
                                          ~
              A sweet release we give our heart
                from pain of past that tore apart,
                    relief that only one can find
         when hearts we let, become unconfined
             to leave behind those stormy skies
                      letting self-love baptize…
                                         ~