Substitutions are short term solutions
To problems that we cannot resolve
Even though I am human, I need to evolve
My hand is not my companion
It doesn't ask me how happy I am
The twitch happens and its time to go again
Is this how sobriety is supposed to play out?
Kicking ***** to the curb, only to receive
In return an obsession, over my depression
To try and write down life's lessons?
Yet with all these journals half empty
What exactly am I saving for me?
Disappointment, because I missed the
Appointment to my own creativity?
I do have a proclivity to playing out
My own self-fulfilling prophecies
Oh well, that's just me

You're such a *******
Do you really think you're legit?
Why do you tell yourself these lies?
Can you not see it in their eyes?

My mind can be so intrusive
Making self worth ******* elusive
I spend time alone
Hoping these thoughts throw me a bone

Why are compliments so scary?
Especially from the ones who are merry
Instead I thrash them like a swordsman's parry
Thinking they've mistaken me for Harry

I got money in the bank
But no money on me
Putting pen to paper helps me see
Honestly be whoever the hell you wanna be

Are we all fake?
Are we all getting baked?
Are we all looking?
Are we all searching?

For a simple solution
To shake the focus from this illusion
Finally looking up to the sky
Stars shining and twinkling in your eyes

Or is it just the glare
Pining over your cell phone in despair
Comparing yourself to others
Moments that look like perfection

Also lead us in a misdirection
Down a path of self doubt
All because of some dude's clout
Putting the most in every post

To answer all the above questions
We be searching for the real
And be looking to get baked ;)
At least that's this ****** dude's opinion

Heartbreak hurts more than just the heart
It's a terrible thing to see love fall apart
Tragedy that unfortunately followed me
Now all I have left is a memory

My issues alone did not capsize this ship
Sinking from the beginning, doomed was the trip
Overwhelming ideas of how to live
Shiver from the thoughts " I can't deliver"

Ensuing selections of expensive directions
Lead to the apprehension of my vice, shots poured over ice
I wasn't always nice, never followed my own advice
To her I had failed, to me I had paid the price

Love left the soul as I began to dig the hole
Rock bottom just meant no more progression of the regression
Arise, I set my eyes upon the light, not so bright
Steady climb, I leave behind the doubt that's been in my mind

Time and love for I created the will to try
To start anew begins with you
I'm not a coward, I'm moving forward
Toward a future the will include the inimitable her

Working on the tenacious tendency
To reduce myself and render me ruined
Describing the dictating feelings is dire
Sometimes I wish to go forth and set myself on fire

The firewater was a necessary fuel
For I can only burn from the inside out
The doubt, the drought of positivity
Were kindling enough to ignite the fright

That fear was a mere beginning
The story passed down from generation to generation
Resulting in a confrontation, an activation
Sometimes things must be incinerated

Then it can start again, become educated, bloom
"I hate myself" turned to " let's change thyself"
Laborious toil upon the charred soil
Brought forth the grounds in which to root

They say April showers bring May flowers
Though it's never told how hard it is to conjure up the storm
It takes something from within, the want of a win
Only me, myself and I can decide to arise

I remember the little bottles
All lined up neatly on the floor next to me
Waiting to feel my hands around the cap
The little "crack" as the seal is broken

The room temperature liquid slowly emptied
Rushing down and giving warmth to my belly
False sense of numbness rising to my lips
Believing all the pain is gone

One after another, each little bottle giving it's life
The numbness turns to darkness...lights out
I awake to realize that nothing has changed
The pain I thought I chased away returns

The cycle repeats itself, pain grows stronger
Numbness is not easily attained, chased with more
Darkness is all I wish for, permanent like a sharpie
Sadness turns to rage, rage to shame

Fog sets all around my world
The darkness spreads, so much darkness
Shame turns to regret, regret to change
28 days cracking my skull to find the spark

The spark becomes an ember, glowing
Therapy and a hard look in the mirror provide the oxygen
It turns into a small flame, the light
The light pushes out the darkness

Fog rises up and becomes clouds on a sunny day
I see it all clearly now, life anew
The pain doesn't go away but is managed
Hard work, perseverance, honesty are my new friends

A Yukon Boy,
Becomes a Sober Man

Sad days lie in wait
It's on those days that I create
A symphony of "what ifs" inside my mind
Like time can be turned back as easy
As it is on the watch on my wrist

Calculations of consequences come easy
When those consequences have been had
Past decisions determined to be detrimental
But they do not define who I am

Depression hits like bird **** on my shoulder
Random and a nuisance
Much like the burden of my drinking
Thinking things would change with the change
I spent on the Dark Eyes staring back at me

Connection to my feelings turned to self-reflection
Work that seemed pointless now brings satisfaction
Active participation helps me avoid temptation
Watching the seconds tick away deep in contemplation