More and more I’ve been thinking about how you ruined me. Skinny little girl arms and legs and tummies and chests, being touched for the first time, just a little-girl-playing-big with a boy-who-was-already-big. I peeled off layer after layer until I lay in front of you, exposed, fighting the urge to cover myself with my hands because it was you, because I trusted you, more than I’ve ever trusted another person. I would have let you lead me into a burning building.

I always heard that there’s nothing like your first love. I never quite understood until recently. There was nothing like my first love because I put all of myself into it, into you, pressing myself into your hands, trusting that you would take care of me.

I didn’t know, until I was in another boy’s bed years later, him kissing up and down my neck, me feeling the first awful tickle of panic in my chest. I didn’t know, until he told me that he loved me, til I felt every muscle in my body tense up like I had run into a ******* war zone.

I didn’t know. I’ve broken up with every single boy since you. I didn’t know. I haven’t been above to love any of them right because of you. Because you ruined me.

There’s nothing like your first love, they said. And they were right. It’s been four years and I’m still trying to pry my heart out of his filthy hands.

The worst thing that can happen in a long distance relationship is when you stop receiving texts without a warning.  You immediately notice but try to play it off.  You start telling yourself excuses like "maybe they're busy" or "they're just having a bad day".  
But that day turns into a week;
one week turns into two;
two turns into three...

You finally ask them what's going on.  You see your phone go off but you're too scared to read their reply. Six minutes later, you finally read it:
"I'm trying to use my phone less"
Normally, you wouldn't think too much of it.
But then you realize
The only way you can communicate is by phone...

If you love someone, tell them.
Even if you are scared that it's not the right thing,
even if you are scared that it'll cause problems,
even if you are scared that it will burn you life to the ground,
you say it, and you say it loud.
And then you go on from there.

There is something so intoxicating
About fooling around with someone that you love
Who does not love you back
It sounds ballistic and ludicrous
That you could give your body away so easily
To someone who isn't careful
With how he takes it
There is no genuine gentleness
There is no slow rhythm
Only anticipation and hope that he does not drop you
I am only giving myself away because I love the way your hands hold me
You do not grip or restrain
I am free to leave whenever I want
And so are you
And that is the most freeing, yet heart wrenching thing of all